大學

So I managed to get sick at Disneyland. Go figure.

It's been a while since I've made mention much of anything other than nothing. So today I'm going to fill this place with more nothing.

Why do I post here? This is, after all, the Internet. Things can be found. This can be found. So why do I post all these things when I know that there will be this chance where people can find my blog and expose all of its secrets? I think for the same reason that anyone blogs. I kind of want them to know.

I post and I post and I type and I type and only a few people know about this blog. Maybe 2 or 3 people at most. Those two or three people are the select few that I want to know about all of this. But what about the rest of the world. What about the other bajillion people that I've met over the course of my lifetime? Or even the few that I still keep close? Who knows?

I don't want them to come into this little private space of mine. If they happen to stumble upon it, then good on them. But for me to disclose my drama like that, nah.

還有兩天

I'm two days away from being 20 and no longer being a teenager. Oh goodness.

Well, the one thing I like about my birthday is that it signals the holidays are in full swing. :) I've been emo lately, but that's because I've been listening to old emo like songs.

So for some reason I felt this indescribable need to post that I was applying to HKU. Well, I'm also applying to CUHK, PolyU, and HKUST as well. I just need to get away from here. Enough of that for now.

I've been listening to N Sync songs lately. It's a Christmas thing. :) Every Christmas I listen to N Sync Christmas songs just because I love them so much. There are a couple other ones too but I don't think I have them anymore. Anyway, there's one N Sync song that has been sticking out. Two now that I think about them. "You Don't Have To Be Alone" and "Don't Wanna Spend One More Christmas Without You".

And now I just killed my emo mood listening to happy songs. HAHAHA...Too bad! :)

Happy Birthday to me -2 days! <3

一類

So today I've decided to apply to Medical School. In Hong Kong.

Weird right? I've talked about it since I got home from Hong Kong but I've never really put too much thought into it until today.

I feel like I'm rushing things, but it's something that I want. I've started my applicaton process and the only thing remaining is for me to write my personal statement and collect documents.

Am I doing the right thing? Am I pursuing the dream that I've always wanted, just in a different direction? I'm worried and I'm kind of scared, but I really need to get out of here and so many people know that.

If possible, I want to start off on a fresh clean slate where whatever happened at Cal Poly stays at Cal Poly. I want to start off brand new in a place where no one knows me. I want a second chance at college. I won't graduate til I'm about 25, but I'll be an M.D. I'll be a doctor of medicine. Isn't that something that I've always wanted?

勇氣

I’m not sure why, but I’m waiting for midnight to pass before I post this.

Every week I go to CAPS and meet with my psychologist. We talk about everything, from ADHD to emotional concerns. And somehow, I feel like I’m a lost cause. But more about that next time I go to CAPS. Truth is, I think I need a break from it. So I’m going to step away from it until next quarter. There was one particular session that I had that I feel like I should talk about though.

I finally got myself to talk to Dr. Muir about Gina.

During that session, I explained the entire situation from my point of view and what I know of Gina’s point of view. We went into great detail about my reaction to it and my actions. It was only then when I said it to him did I realize by myself how familiar the situation was. Two people that I loved dearly were feuding and all I wanted was for it to stop. For everything to soothe over and be better again. I felt torn in between the two. Where did my loyalties go?

It was then that it dawned on me that during the time Gina and Jess were feuding, my parents’ divorce heated up. I was caught in two different fires. But they still burned.

Dr. Muir told me to imagine a little girl on a boat dock. One foot in the boat, the other one is still on the dock. Of course the boat wants to leave the dock and go with the current, but the little girl is still one foot in the boat, one foot on the dock trying to hold them together. But she’s small, and eventually all that will happen is that she stays on the boat, stays on the dock, or drowns. But no matter which option she chooses, the boat or the dock, she always wants to be able to reach out and grab the other. And it’s an unfortunate battle.

He told me that most children who are in a family with conflicting parents often feel they need to keep the family together. That they wouldn’t survive without both of the parents. So while it’s “keep the family together” it’s more of a survival response. That why we try so hard to keep our parents together. We feel that it’s our duty to do that. But deep down inside, we know that it really isn’t.

I told him about a dream that I used to have often, it was a dream that I was never sure was real or not. My parents had me by the arm, one each, and they were pulling and tugging and I’m just crying. He said that whether that particular situation physically happened or not, it happened. It was what I felt, and it happened.

All of what he said hit me hard. But then he said “It’s unfortunate that these two situations happened at the same time, because you could’ve learned from one situation, and who knows how that could’ve changed the outcome of the second.”

The biggest what if is “What if I had picked up the phone” that one day she called.

I’m in control of this situation too, he said. I could put a stop to it. Our entire relationship is not based solely on Gina. I can say stop. Yes, I could. But what if while I’m unavailable to her, she decides she wants to talk. Is it worth risking?

Of course a few days later my horoscope said that I needed to cut someone out of my life because they were doing me no good.

Everything he said was right. It was right on the dot. And it only made me cry harder. It made my chest hurt like my heart was breaking. The truth was revealed. The words finally left me.

And today everything came rushing back to me for some reason. Happens often, I suppose.

I feel like Dr. Muir has given up on me. And that hurts the most. I used to look forward to our weekly meetings. I’m lost now. I feel like, his level of commitment to my case has dropped because I haven’t been responding to therapy. I feel like a lost cause. I thought I knew everything there was to know about myself and emotions and feelings. I’m learning more every time. But right now I feel like a little fish in the open sea. No sense of direction and nothing to steer me in the right direction.

Run away again. Run away where no one can reach me. Run away to a place where my heart can mend and I can find myself.

傳統

Today is Thanksgiving. As per tradition, I always give thanks to certain people who have impacted my life.

I am thankful for...

My dearest cousin Jeffrey. This blog would not exist without you, even though yours had died. Thanks for always picking up the phone regardless of how random or stupid it is...even at 7AM. <3 The one person who shows up on this list year after year...

My beloved Aunty Tianna and Uncle Chi. You two have been my guiding light this last year. Showing me everything that I needed to know and encouraging me to pursue whatever I wanted. You've shown me what true happiness is.

My absolutely adorable Cayden. All my worries go away when I'm with you. You are true innocence. Something that I feel that I've tried to preserve within myself, but failed still. Everytime I see your adorable self I can't help but smile. Thank you for being the light in my life.

My baby Conway. You're so cute, yes you are! :) I love you oh so much even though your still oh so tiny. You, just like your brother, are the light of my life.

My Laura/Molah. When my world fell apart the person I reached to was you. Even though I had barely spoken to you too much before, I always felt like you were my only life line. We've had some great times and gotten through some moody days. And I'm so thankful to have you in my life. Life would be so boring without you. Thank you so much for always being there.

Ms. Allison Koga. The old fogie in the sorority, pretty much. Not the oldest, but close enough. Thanks for toughing it out this year. I know it's probably difficult to stay active when you know that you could be associate or alumni and not have to deal with all of the drama, but you know you love it! j/k :) Thanks for listening to my rants and ranting with me. I'd be a total loner without you.

Momma Tot. Despite all the drama of this last year, you're still here. What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger right? Even with all the ups and downs there are now you're still there for me, even as an associate that doesn't want anything to do with sorority. And I thank you for always being there regardless of the day or the hour. <3 you!

Lil sis, Aileen. We've gotten so much closer this year. I'm sorry that all the drama between me and Gina got in between me getting closer to you. It was just so difficult for me to talk to anyone about anything. In a way I was isolating myself, but you were always there when I came back. <3

Desiree, my dearest pledge sister. Can always count on you to set me straight, huh? I can't wait for you to come back, sis. Good times are waiting for us.

My parents, I guess.

Dr. Muir, who has effectively told me I'd be in counseling for the rest of my life to deal with the trauma my parents have inflicted on me.

My great uncle and aunt in Hong Kong. Thanks for showing me a part of Hong Kong that I never saw or remembered. You definitely tied my heart down there.

Finally, for Gina.

偷偷跑掉

So my laptop is down for the count. At least for now. It's having problems charging and it just gets worst and worst. So tomorrow it's going in to get fixed. In the meanwhile I'm stealing my brother's laptop. Let me tell you, he is NOT a happy camper.

I'll tell you now that this is going to be epic.

So lately I've been feeling kind of heated. I've never had much of an opinion on most things and I'm just the one that agrees with the crowd. However, these days I feel like I'm being pushed more and more to the extreme. Lately everything that the active class does bothers me so much that I'm left ranting and raving about it til forever.

The thing that bugs me the most though, is my own pledge sister. Harsh to say, but my own pledge sister is one of things that I want to escape.

Actually, I just had a sudden urge to escape. A sudden urge to hop on a plane and go to Hong Kong and never come back. I'll get more into that later. Back to the original topic at hand.

One of my pledge sisters has been ridiculously difficult these last few months. The more that I think about it the more that it upsets me. Tau class used to be the standard. We used to be the ones that people would say "I hope they turn out like Tau". Unfortunately, I can't even say that now. We've taken a turn for the worst and not even I am free from persecution. I'm a victim of my own bitterness.

When Gina turned inactive, Carol DAed, Desiree turn inactive, and Jess was no longer like a pledge mom to us, it was just me and Mel. During the whole year of drama and stuff, there was me and Mel. And Desiree at times as well. It was us against the world. Or at least that's what I used to say. The first summer of our active career was extremely difficult. It was hard on both of us. Our pledge mom was busy with Upsilon and being president. The stress got to her and to tell you the truth, we all felt the brunt of it. All the actives felt the drama and stress of that year. I don't want to say that my pain and drama was worst than anyone else's, but it was quite a lot.

Gina was feuding with Jess and somehow I knew that inadvertently, I had done something wrong to upset Jess. And it showed because she acted out on those feelings. I was wrong not to delete those messages. And yes, she had every right to be upset. But where did my loyalties go? Did it go to my big sis or to my pledge mom? So I left it as it was.

Carol was gone, Desiree was gone, my big sis was gone, and my pledge mom was totally not into being my mom at the time. On top of that, my family line was split in two. But still, I had Mel. The last standing tots. That summer we stressed together and we wanted to DA together. But in the end we decided to suck it up and wait the year out. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger, right?

So we waited it out. In around March and April I felt like Mel's gut instinct was the benefit the sorority. No matter how wrong she was, she wanted the best for the sorority. However, she's is rather narrow minded. Once she has her opinion on something, regardless of how blindly guided or ill conceived or unreasonable, that's it. She's done thinking about it. So around March and April my big sis's letter was due. As everyone probably knows, it never came. And Mel would talk about how she wouldn't give my big sis the vote to come back. Right in front of me. Saying it to me. And she didn't know jackshit about the situation. Never bothered to ask either.

So my big sis DAed. And from that moment on, I felt this extreme isolation in the sorority. And a lot of the time I still do. Even though so many people tried to console me, no one really understood. I didn't understand it myself for so long. Sometimes I still wonder. There's a lot of "what ifs" hanging around in the air. My world fell apart from there on.

All the actives have a big sis that they can turn to. Or at the very least, they have a pledge sister at their side. For the longest time, it was no longer "us against the world". It was just me. Mel was saying "it's okay" for a bit. She was no more "there for me" than any of the other actives (except for Allie and Jess).

When Gina tore me to pieces on June 9th, where was she?

And now here we are. While we're not estranged, we might as well be. She's becoming the exact person that I would never ever ever ever want my lil sis to be. She's so concerned with the social aspect of sorority life that she's forgotten what sisterhood is. Or perhaps, she's just forgotten what it's like to be a tot. I don't even know how to describe it. The only way I've been able to describe it is not the nicest way in the world.

She is essentially my pledge sister at her convenience. She's a Rho all the other days. And Mimi was right. She's into partying. I'm not. But it hurts to know that just because I can't go party with her that she'd leave me in the dust for someone else. And I still can't get over what she told me this summer. I cannot believe that she said that.

Yes, the flat tire story. I asked her to come and get me and she asked me to call someone else.

And that was when I realized the truth of the situation. She was a 10 - 15 minute walk from me and she brushed me off. I called other people who offered to come from as far as 1.5 hours away. How can I call her "sis" after that? Easy, I don't.

When I asked for Associate status I knew it was going to be a tough one to get. There were a couple votes that I knew I could count on. Allie, Aileen, and Anita. Where's Mel? Not on that list.

When I didn't get it, my heart hardened.

It's amazing how everything can turn around. I was always the nicest active in the world. I couldn't be strict if my life depended on it. But I feel this bitterness arising in me that is just consuming. And I want to do something totally not characteristic of me. Someone stop me before I do something stupid. I have never (really) wished something ill upon another person. I have never wanted someone to feel the pain that I feel.

But I want to make it hurt. And right now the only way to do it is through two pledges. As wrong as it is, I want it. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it.

The count now is a little different. Carol is gone, Desiree is gone, Gina is gone, Mel is no longer truly present in my life. But I have Laura, Allie, and Jess. And my newfound Mimi. Love them to death for all that they've helped me with. They have most definitely been my support through the toughest times.

So now here I am again. Sitting around feeling a need to run away to Hong Kong and never come back. Sit on a packed Subway by myself and get off at Tsim Sha Tsui and walk over to Kowloon Bay and just sit. Take some time off and relax. Then walk back and head for Mongkok to walk down the Goldfish Market. And finally get back on the subway and head for Causeway Bay. Have a seat by Times Square and have some Gelato.

I'm always surrounded by people that smother me. More like my parents and my grandparents. I just need to get away. Away from Los Angeles. Away from California. I need that freedom that I had back in Hong Kong. Not even at my aunt's house did I feel that kind of freedom. Take the subway wherever I needed to go. Take the bus and the trolley every now and then. Run down to Causeway Bay to go shopping and get dinner. Walk back to Happy Valley. Stop at XTC Gelato and get some hot chocolate gelato. It was hot as hell, but it was great. Just wanna go away. Just wanna get away.

If I could, I would take a year off from school and get the hell away from here. And I'd head back to HK in a heartbeat.

For now this concludes my epic post. Who knows when I'll have something else to say again?

我找不到

I'm not sure if I ever posted this up or made mention of it but I'm too lazy to go through my old posts to see if I did or not.

So I went out with Ray some time ago. I think it might have been roughly one month ago. We were just hanging out and going to random places, and he says that I've calmed down a lot. And I say "nuh uh". I say something about being tired and the Adderall and something of the sort. But the truth is, even without the Adderall, I don't seem to have a bounce in my step anymore.

So it brings me to my point, when did I lose that bounce in my step? Allie says that I'm normal now, which is fine. But I want to know when I lost that child in me.

No one seems to remember, and I can't remember either. Somehow, I don't think it was something that just came on its own. I think there was something out there that influenced this. It could be the Adderall. It could be that I just grew up. Or, it could be that situation back in May and June that broke me to pieces. Where did it go? Can I get it back? This sense of normality is kinda worrying to me. Before I used to be bubbling over with energy. Now I feel kinda dead. Tired all the time as well. So what gives?

If only I could remember when was the last time I bounced off a wall. My lil sis can't even remember if I was like that for her pledgeship. I'm not miserable without that hyperness, but I feel like I've lost something. Something that made me who I am.

Maybe that's what I should bring up to Dr. Muir later on today. I'm supposed to meet with him in about 40 minutes anyway. Did Ms. Trix-R-4-Kidz really turn into something else?

Seems like it.

I miss the child in me. The one thing that kept me sane through all these years. The one facade I could always count on.

偷著

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much , and pray too seldom.

W e have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

飛就飛

飛就飛

主唱：側田．吳雨霏

時間常逃走　從來撲塑迷離
誰若錯過　寶貴時機　像趕走了空氣

只有永不捨棄　才有夢想車飛

誰都知一秒價值　也不菲
遲多一分鐘　可否碰到你

若愛飛　就要飛
無謂花心機　去洞悉天機
若要等　下世紀　甚麼更悲
若愛飛　翻天地　才望可得到　快樂的專利
若愛飛　大霧四起　都要飛
都要飛　靠自己

曙光我也想追蹤
別理是否做夢
連自己雙手　亦懶去動
別說大紫大紅

曾經試過升空　活得要夠感動
曾一分鐘　帶著笑容　到星空
明日我共你　便有事蹟溝通

飛就飛　伴你飛
無謂花心機　去洞悉天機
若要等　下世紀　甚麼更悲

飛就飛　伴你飛
才望可得到　快樂的專利
若愛飛　大霧四起　都要飛
靠自己

冰河時期　艱難時期　大勇氣
聯想才神奇　難捨難離　了不起
到過雪地　便已算勝利　視野遠大無比

飛就飛　伴你飛
無謂花心機　去洞悉天機
若要等　下世紀　甚麼轉機　無道理
飛就飛　伴你飛
才望可得到　快樂的專利
若愛飛　大霧四起　都要飛
用兩手　也識飛

Just because I love this song. It's the Chinese version to High School Musical 2's "Everyday" . The title says "Just Fly".

完美主義

So once upon a time long long ago I was part of a group on JCNET called "Wan Mei Zhu Yi" or WMZY. Also known as "Perfection".

Now, today I went to CAPS like I do just about every week, and I met with Dr. Muir as always. We, as always, got into our normal gist of things where he asks me how I've been doing and if there have been any changes. I tell him nothing's been very different but I've been having difficulty waking up in the morning and getting myself going. We didn't get too into that but we did get into a good talk about perfectionism and being a perfectionist.

We talked about the nature of the perfectionist and why sometimes I would feel socially awkward.

Perfectionism is usually viewed as someone who has to have things right, they have to be perfect. A lot of people have noticed that I like things to be perfect and if they're a little off, I would fix it. I hate it when my notes are not neat and I hate having to cross things out on my paper. Some people have made mention that I can be an extreme perfectionist, but I never put much thought into it. I just thought that I wanted things to be right.

So today Dr. Muir asks me about it and I tell him that I am. I have habits that would make me a perfectionist and a lot of the time it was "all or nothing". Kind of like an action potential. Then comes the socially awkward part. So then he asked me about what I was going through my mind as I tried to make conversation with someone I tell him I'm not sure. I tell him I was always kind of the quiet girl. I can talk to my sorority sisters and my friends, but that's it. I have a hard time keeping conversation with people outside my comfort zone. I tell him that I never raised my hand in class despite knowing the answer to whatever question or having questions.

And finally he asks me, "when you do raise your hand in class, what do you feel?" And I tell him that I feel like all eyes are on me, and they are critical eyes. And as I've learned today it's because perfectionists tend to feel like the world is criticizing them. It's like, if I fall below perfect nothing is right. I know that I'm harsh on myself, but at the same time I feel that if I'm not perfect, the world is criticizing me. And seemingly, the world gives off a negative vibe like they are judging my every move.

I'm in a race with the world. But even in the end, if I beat the world out...I'm still running a race with myself. That's what it's like in my head. Gosh I sound like I'm crazy but I swear I'm not.

哈哈哈!

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon." -Chris Rock

I totally took this off my cousin's profile but it made me laugh.

討厭討厭討厭!!!

My grand lil is going to DP and Sammi's lil is gonna cross. I see it already. I see myself taking two steps back. I can't help it.

I'm just bitter.

不公平

So this goes hand in hand with my last post.

Perhaps it's just jealousy, but I feel like ever since Jess's line no longer went straight down, everyone's been kind of lavishing the other half of her line. Playing favorites with the other side.

While I am technically Jess's little sis now, I don't even feel like I'm part of her family line. I feel like...my relationship with her isn't even that of Pledge Mom and Kid. It's more like...me and Allie. We're just really closer than others, but there's no special relationship there. Well okay my relationship with Allie is special but I'm sure you know what I mean. I think that's why losing Gina was so hard on me. I knew it would never be the same. Marlene and Jess both lean towards Sammi and that side of the line. And from me down, we're left floating.

Now some people may think that I'm being silly. Of course my side of the family is loved. We get letters from great grand big/grand big and grand big/big sis...but letters aren't the world.

I love my family line...but the truth is that sometimes I wish I did jump. Because I know Laura would have been the big sis that I needed and wanted. After all this time I still feel this giant gap. Maybe it's the same gap that Laura felt with Xera. Will it ever close?

還有問題

I have to admit that I have this inkling something against Sammi. I really don't want to. Honestly, I don't.

The truth is that I actually think Sammi is great and she's great to be around. She's a sister and everything to me. The problem is just that, no matter how hard I try, I always feel this bit of bitterness towards her. But this is something that we have to go into the past to understand.

When Gina needed some time to fix herself, Jess made a mistake in not giving her the attention that she needed at the time. It crashed and went to hell from there. Then at pizza night, things blew out of proportion. Now, let's not get into too much detail here. I'm not here to explain how things happened between them.

At the time, I thoroughly blamed Jess for everything. It didn't help that there was so much drama going on and I hated how things were going. Things weren't great and then Jess picked up another lil sis. That was Sammi. I loved Sammi from Day 1, in fact I would have wanted her for a lil sis as well. I love my lil sis of course. However, just the fact that she was "Jess's other lil sis" gave me this little bitterness. I thought about being harsh on her, but I wanted to have her as a sister. I felt like she had everything that Gina should have had and my perfect family was being split in a different direction. It didn't help that she had the attention of my pledge mom and my great grand big. It was like, my balance was thrown off by this addition of another line. I hated it. And I wanted so badly for her to drop.

I always thought I had gotten over it. Turns out I had just gotten used to it. Because when Sammi got the lil sis that I wanted for a grand lil, I felt that bitterness rise up again.

I have long gotten past the Jess and Gina thing. In fact, I've had a paradigm shift. I don't see it the way I did last year. I don't blame Jess for it. I just wish I could fix things.

And I wish I could get over this bitterness. I'm a horrible person, but I don't want to be.

沒有想過

我真的沒有想過她們會那麼自私...有時候我想偷偷跑掉。　可是我怎麼做呢﹖

好乖

Even though it only takes about 5 - 10 minutes for me to give a nice summary of my day I still don't post. Hahaha...I think it's because I forget. You know, once upon a time I used to update my Xanga on a daily basis. What happened? This thing called MySpace came around and everyone forgot about Xanga. So I stopped posting because no one was reading. I'm such a drama queen. :P

Anyway, I'm on a mission. I'm going to study at least every other day this quarter. It's like...not gonna happen but I can at least try. It's just difficult because I have a hard time staying up past 11PM and I get home from work at 10:30PM and I get out of lab at 9:00PM...so I'm never really home to study. On the other hand...I have cut back my hours at work so that I only work weekends. Soon to be only Saturdays at my beloved Atlantic-Garvey banking center. <3 So...now that I have at least posted SOMETHING, I am getting back to my Microbiology text book. Wish me luck!

今天我（不想）回家

Sooo...pardon for the lack of post but I've just gotten back from vacation and I am quite jetlagged still. I must say that I left my heart in Hong Kong. I love it there. I love the lifestyle and I love the city life and everything! And there are barely any squatting toilets so I don't have to worry about that anymore. LOL. For those of you who don't know what I mean by a "squatting toilet" let me give you a visual.

So, the image that is to the right is what I call a "squatting toilet". Some of you may call it other things and that's fine, but that is my "squatting toilet". Let me say, that we are spoiled here in the United States with our sitting toilets. Never in my life have I felt so blessed to be able to sit on a toilet in peace. Even a public toilet. Because let me say, that these things can get quite disgusting. Some of them do not have flushers. You have to manually pour the water in yourself and if you don't get it at the right angle, you don't get the "whirlpool effect" that you need to effectively flush down all of dinner or perhaps those two bottles of water you drank.

This next image that I am going to show you, is exactly how they would do it in Thailand. Ahem.
This is what I encountered when I was taken to a small village in Malaysia. I was not pleased as you might guess.

I guess I was rather lucky though, considering the majority of my relatives have a nice sitting toilet because they're all "upscale" like that. When I went to public restrooms, I always had to use the handicap stall...aka the stall with a sitting toilet.

So those of you who enjoy sitting on the toilet for extended periods of time, find someone to thank for your sitting toilet.

Here's a hilarious article that I found while googling for these pictures:

There’s no getting around it in some countries; you’ll have to figure out how to use a squat toilet and so will the kids.

Warning: relatively high gross-out factor in post below.

When we lived in Japan, our house had a squat toilet but you could buy a plastic converter thing that fitted over the toilet on the floor and allowed you to sit down above it.

Your business does not go into a water pool as it does in a European toilet. It just sits there, waiting for the toilet flushing action to wash it away. One of my more vivid Japan memories is a really cold morning when I thought I was dying of a disease; my morning offering was literally steaming.

Out in town or on the highway, we looked for the bathroom stall for the disabled, which generally had a European-type toilet. I don’t see how anyone with bad knees or other malfunctioning lower extremities can get in the ol’ squat position to start with, much less maintain it for, ahem, bigger business.

And what do you do with pantyhose? Or skirts? And do your jeans have to come all the way off? (Pretty much, I’ve found.)

And you sure can’t read a magazine on a squat toilet — or maybe my technique is lacking.

Remember when Mom said to always carry some Kleenex to use as toilet paper?

Friends, it is time to listen to Mom. If there’s no t.p. in the stall of a squat toilet, there’s trouble in River City.

In many parts of the world, there is never toilet paper. You use water, poured down your bottom. God bless Frank Bures, a fearless writer at World Hum, who provides us detailed insight into this process:

World Hum travel advice guru and Vagabonding author Rolf Potts has also seen a few squatters in his day. “In places like India, and many parts of Asia,” he told me, “a bathroom won’t have toilet paper. It will have a little cup of water. Basically, after you’ve done your business, you take your left hand and wash the exit hole of fecal matter, then wash your hand. That’s why nobody shakes hands with their left hand in most of Asia and the Middle East, because that’s your a**-wiping hand.”

Ah, another one of life’s little mysteries explained.

So, for those who may be contemplating a trip with the family to the domain of squat toilets, march off to the airport secure in your knowledge of operating procedures, and well-armed with something to use as toilet paper.

Kids may as well learn that not everyone around the world does things the same way, but do prepare them before you go. "

For those of you who have been to places like Thailand, Mainland China, Vietnam, Cambodia, etc...you know how true this stuff is. :) Always carry toilet paper, children.

Okay now aside from the toilet stuff let's get down to the more pleasant things. SHOPPING! Oh shopping galore let me see if I can pull some pictures up.

This, my dear friends, is Causeway Bay (銅鑼灣). I spent a great deal of time here as well as in Mongkok (旺角). Causeway Bay is shopping galore. All those fancy shmancy brand names can be find here. Gucci, Fendi, Coach, Burberry, Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Dior...all of it. All in one place. This is where Hong Kong's Time Square is. Time Square itself is just a pretty building with lots of shops. Lots of expensive shops so I didn't do too much shopping there but I did enjoy having many lunches, dinners, and late night walks here. There this one street, I believe it was on Lee Gardens street or something of the sort near Bossini where they had "outlet" clothing of brands like American Eagle, Abercrombie, Hollister, and the like. Now, I found some genuine American Eagle and Hollister...but the Abercrombie...? Looked kinda iffy to me. Either way it was cheap so I bought a shirt for my cousin. Speaking of which, he needs to come get. :P Anyhooo...at 旺角, I went to the Women's Market (女人街) quite often. Now the Women's market has plenty of men, it's just called that. There is a Men's Market too. But uhh...yeah. I don't want to go there.
This is what the Women's Market is like. It's like a street bazaar that goes on all day. You can find fake anything here. Fake Tiffany's, Gucci, Fendi, Burberry, Coach, Dior, Chanel, Hello Kitty, Kuma, Winnie the Pooh, Sunshine Friends, etc...

At the same time though, you can find some pretty nice stuff here that's not brand name for pretty cheap. I got a nice purse for 20 bucks. I was happy. :D I got some fake Sunshine Buddies for 5 bucks too. And...yeah. You can get seriously ripped off here though. Generally, unless there's something I really really really really really really really really really really really really like, I try to stick to places where the price is already labeled on the package. You can still bargain, but at least you know the standard price isn't going to change just because you're a tourist. I got a wallet for 6 bucks too. :D

There's also another place near the Women's Market that I loved to death. THE GOLDFISH MARKET! Let me tell you, I had the greatest time ever at this place just looking at all the cute little fishies. They had so many cute little Ranchus and I wish I could've taken one home! <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGWOzvdmSvObN-ozIry-iLsqsmDygtEyqcibMSsCN6gWCdnfTm3xUWzjcQHXSFYsYtprXk00A3E8EafQV4qM4sB1hyphenhyphenvXdqti45CcT5MzgSp8VFN5_gp4Qu6jJjZn6E4zlnJxytV349GUe-/s1600-h/IMG_1064.JPG">
This picture is from one of the stores I happened to walk by. The had these gigantic Orandas and Ryukins and Ranchus. Holy crap this one Ranchu I saw was like the size of my head!!! I wanted to buy it and take it home! And they are sooooo cheap! It's like 2 - 3 dollars for a nice big fish. Koi Fish were kinda expensive though. Some of them were cheap but not too impressive. Look at all the fishies!

Another strange thing that I saw was the way some stores were selling fish. It kinda bothered me actually.

This is the way that some of the stores sold fish. they were pre-bagged like this. The thing is that if you know anything about fish, you know that these things lose air and FAST. Yes it's nice that there's a plant to help give it oxygen, but it's not going to help if you can't sell the fish at the end of the day and leave them there overnight! They even put giant fish, like flowerhorns, in there!

I'd be kinda scared to buy my fish from a bag like this. Cheap as it may be though as you can see by the price markings.

But as I am getting tired because I am jetlagged, this will have to end for now. I leave you with one parting picture though!

I love my 意粉！

真相大白

So today on my way home from meeting I was utterly sad. It was brought on rather randomly actually.

I have this fear of failure that stops me from doing anything that may involve a "risk". Outside of being a science major (which isn't going so well), the biggest risk I've ever taken was to rush for a sorority and run for Pledge Mom. The second which is the cause of my drama tonight.

I ran for pledge mom in the Spring and didn't get the position. For some reason or another, the pledge mom stepped down from her position and a window of opportunity is once again presented to me. Every time I get the nerve to read my speech, something stands in my way. Now, I'm finally ready and another obstacle stands before me. They open elections up to associates and alumni. I suppose it's reasonable, but one this is for sure. Vivian has never been incredible strong willed and Vivian has never been known to step up to a challenge. So I'm left here with this incredibly trying situation that has me stressing yet again.

So back to being a science major. I have never been once to stay down when I fall. I get up and try again for the most part. Failures are a part of life and I accept that. But when is it time to give up? Everytime I fail and I fall, I lose a bit more hope. And I'm really starting to give up. I've pretty much lost all faith in myself these last two quarters and it has been an extremely trying two quarters. What if what I dream isn't what I was meant to be? Is there a meant to be? There's only one person out there who reads this, so I'm asking you. Is there? Is there hope for me? You know me as well as I do and tell me the truth now, is there any chance at saving me?

My biggest fear was never something quite tangible. My biggest fear is disappointing others. People have put their faith in me and told me that I could do it. And it would tear me to bits to see them let down. And all I'm doing is telling lies and disappointing myself.

So tell me what to do. Tell me how to save myself. To stop disappointing myself and the world around me. To finally step up to the plate. To stop falling behind.

I've scraped my knees and cried and got up and played again. But I feel like this time I've shattered my legs and I'll never walk again.

Just because...

Just because my cousin told me to post, I'm posting. We have this odd little system that we've not really worked out.

So for those of you who don't know, which is most of you, I'm going to Malaysia and Hong Kong in about...two and a half weeks. LOL. Surprise! :D I'm super excited. Retail therapy here I come! It's been so long since I've been to Asia and I plan on making the best of it. I'm going by myself so there aren't any parents to regulate me. :P How fun can this be! Of course since there are no parents, the funding for my shopping is also quite limited...

I'm thinking about what I really want from HK and Malaysia. I'm thinking of a new phone. A hot and handy Samsung U700 sounds good to me. Unless there's something else that tickles my fancy around that time. We will just have to see.

I've had my eye on this phone for a couple of months but I'm sure I'll find something else as soon as I get there. That always seems to be the case with me and electronics. I'm such a geek. It can't be helped. I grew up with boys. While I had Barbie Dolls, I spent much of my childhood playing with Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles. Forget ballet and skating, it was swimming and basketball. More on the swimming of course. There were too many mishaps with my clumsy ass in basketball.

Well, back to my trip planning. I plan on buying all my lovely gadgets for phones and such in Malaysia and Hong Kong. I have a feeling I may come home with more than I left with. With the exception of cash...

I want awesome bluetooth gadgets and maybe a new PDA/Planner and I want some totally fobby stuff for my car.

I would love to continue my babbling but it's 12:17AM and I have an appointment with CAPS at 10:00AM. So...TTFN!

Oh, but before I forget. I feel like I'm going to be turning in my two weeks notice to CVS by the end of this week. I hate the Wicked Witch and all of her evil spies.

流星花园

It seems that everyone is out watching the meteor shower except for me. I just woke up not too long ago from my "nap" so I can't really sleep. But that's fine. I seem to be sleeping later and later these days. This last week I've been sleeping at about 2AM which is rather odd for me. I'm usually in dream land by midnight. Yes. MIDNIGHT. Some of us like to sleep.

So how was your weekend? My weekend was a fun filled weekend of work work work and work. But then again I don't do much at my work. I kinda stand there and stare off into space most of the time. We did a grand total of 33 scripts today. Amazing. This is a trend. On a typical work day, for me, we do about 75 - 100 scripts if we're lucky. Most stores do 300+, usually towards 350+. Nope, not us. I seem to be blessed like that. I never really work at the "busy" stores. With the exception of when I was a lifeguard I guess. That time I worked at the busier of the two pools and my gawd could that place get packed. Mmm...I'm tired again. Over and out!

还没好

I've been drama lately as usual. When is my life not drama? LOL. The Jay Chou concert is ages away. Like...four and a half months away and I'm trying to get everything planned and what not now. I'm getting the tickets done so we can all sit together and I'm rearranging seats here and there and geebuz I've been at that ticketing office so many times it's ridiculous. But it's all in good fun and I know that I will thorougly enjoy this concert just like I did last time. Jay has always held a special place in my heart. <3 So corny. This concert is going to be great. Watch! :D

On a much fobbier note, I'm totally in love with this song:

不能說的秘密(電影[不能說的祕密]主題曲)
作詞：方文山 作曲：周杰倫

冷咖啡離開了杯墊
我忍住的情緒在很後面

拼命想挽回的從前
在我臉上依舊清晰可見

最美的不是下雨天
是曾與妳躲過雨的屋簷
回憶的畫面 在盪著鞦韆 夢開始不甜

妳說把愛漸漸 放下會走更遠
又何必去改變 已錯過的時間

妳用妳的指尖 阻止我說再見
想像妳在身邊 在完全失去之前

妳說把愛漸漸 放下會走更遠
或許命運的籤 只讓我們遇見

只讓我們相戀 這一季的秋天
飄落後才發現 這幸福的碎片
要我怎麼撿

冷咖啡離開了杯墊
我忍住的情緒在很後面

拼命想挽回的從前
在我臉上依舊清晰可見

最美的不是下雨天
是曾與妳躲過雨的屋簷

回憶的畫面 在盪著鞦韆 夢開始不甜
妳說把愛漸漸 放下會走更遠

又何必去改變 已錯過的時間
妳用妳的指尖 阻止我說再見
想像妳在身邊 在完全失去之前

妳說把愛漸漸 放下會走更遠
或許命運的籤 只讓我們遇見

只讓我們相戀 這一季的秋天
飄落後才發現 這幸福的碎片
要我怎麼撿

If you don't have it you need to have it. That's all there is to it. Now I must go IM a certain cousin to make him update his blog or he may forget. TTFN!

不能说的秘密

Wow. This is my first real attempt to blog again after so long. So, in a joint effort with my dearest cousin, here I am.

So lately I've been super hectic. I got my diagonosis back from CAPs at school and it is positive for ADHD Inattentive-Impulsive Type. Who woulda thought huh? Well, I suppose some people kinda always knew, like my aunt. But seriously, who would have really thought? I guess I'm doing a little better now that I have medication for it.

By the way, I totally hate my job. I do a lot of bitch work mixed in with other work and I really don't mind save for the fact that the store manager is a bitch. Seriously, I hate her ass SO much. She's not even in charge of me and she's not even my boss! What gives?! Is her front store not busy enough for her that she always has to come into pharmacy and bother us? She comes in every effing morning to complain about us.

"Oh so and so was in the corner hiding."

"So and so was reading a magazine on the side."

"So and so was eating in the corner."

What. The. Flip. This lady has nothing better to do. I'm not even exaggerating. I'm always looking at the camera like "can she see us from here?" Screw her. I'll eat in the back all I want. I'll do whatever the hell I want unless my manager comes in and tells me otherwise. She needs to just get out. Get a life. Stop staring at your damn cameras.

On a lighter note:

不能说的秘密 <--some people know what I'm talkin about. :)