勇氣

I’m not sure why, but I’m waiting for midnight to pass before I post this.

Every week I go to CAPS and meet with my psychologist. We talk about everything, from ADHD to emotional concerns. And somehow, I feel like I’m a lost cause. But more about that next time I go to CAPS. Truth is, I think I need a break from it. So I’m going to step away from it until next quarter. There was one particular session that I had that I feel like I should talk about though.

I finally got myself to talk to Dr. Muir about Gina.

During that session, I explained the entire situation from my point of view and what I know of Gina’s point of view. We went into great detail about my reaction to it and my actions. It was only then when I said it to him did I realize by myself how familiar the situation was. Two people that I loved dearly were feuding and all I wanted was for it to stop. For everything to soothe over and be better again. I felt torn in between the two. Where did my loyalties go?

It was then that it dawned on me that during the time Gina and Jess were feuding, my parents’ divorce heated up. I was caught in two different fires. But they still burned.

Dr. Muir told me to imagine a little girl on a boat dock. One foot in the boat, the other one is still on the dock. Of course the boat wants to leave the dock and go with the current, but the little girl is still one foot in the boat, one foot on the dock trying to hold them together. But she’s small, and eventually all that will happen is that she stays on the boat, stays on the dock, or drowns. But no matter which option she chooses, the boat or the dock, she always wants to be able to reach out and grab the other. And it’s an unfortunate battle.

He told me that most children who are in a family with conflicting parents often feel they need to keep the family together. That they wouldn’t survive without both of the parents. So while it’s “keep the family together” it’s more of a survival response. That why we try so hard to keep our parents together. We feel that it’s our duty to do that. But deep down inside, we know that it really isn’t.

I told him about a dream that I used to have often, it was a dream that I was never sure was real or not. My parents had me by the arm, one each, and they were pulling and tugging and I’m just crying. He said that whether that particular situation physically happened or not, it happened. It was what I felt, and it happened.

All of what he said hit me hard. But then he said “It’s unfortunate that these two situations happened at the same time, because you could’ve learned from one situation, and who knows how that could’ve changed the outcome of the second.”

The biggest what if is “What if I had picked up the phone” that one day she called.

I’m in control of this situation too, he said. I could put a stop to it. Our entire relationship is not based solely on Gina. I can say stop. Yes, I could. But what if while I’m unavailable to her, she decides she wants to talk. Is it worth risking?

Of course a few days later my horoscope said that I needed to cut someone out of my life because they were doing me no good.

Everything he said was right. It was right on the dot. And it only made me cry harder. It made my chest hurt like my heart was breaking. The truth was revealed. The words finally left me.

And today everything came rushing back to me for some reason. Happens often, I suppose.

I feel like Dr. Muir has given up on me. And that hurts the most. I used to look forward to our weekly meetings. I’m lost now. I feel like, his level of commitment to my case has dropped because I haven’t been responding to therapy. I feel like a lost cause. I thought I knew everything there was to know about myself and emotions and feelings. I’m learning more every time. But right now I feel like a little fish in the open sea. No sense of direction and nothing to steer me in the right direction.

Run away again. Run away where no one can reach me. Run away to a place where my heart can mend and I can find myself.

傳統

Today is Thanksgiving. As per tradition, I always give thanks to certain people who have impacted my life.

I am thankful for...

My dearest cousin Jeffrey. This blog would not exist without you, even though yours had died. Thanks for always picking up the phone regardless of how random or stupid it is...even at 7AM. <3 The one person who shows up on this list year after year...

My beloved Aunty Tianna and Uncle Chi. You two have been my guiding light this last year. Showing me everything that I needed to know and encouraging me to pursue whatever I wanted. You've shown me what true happiness is.

My absolutely adorable Cayden. All my worries go away when I'm with you. You are true innocence. Something that I feel that I've tried to preserve within myself, but failed still. Everytime I see your adorable self I can't help but smile. Thank you for being the light in my life.

My baby Conway. You're so cute, yes you are! :) I love you oh so much even though your still oh so tiny. You, just like your brother, are the light of my life.

My Laura/Molah. When my world fell apart the person I reached to was you. Even though I had barely spoken to you too much before, I always felt like you were my only life line. We've had some great times and gotten through some moody days. And I'm so thankful to have you in my life. Life would be so boring without you. Thank you so much for always being there.

Ms. Allison Koga. The old fogie in the sorority, pretty much. Not the oldest, but close enough. Thanks for toughing it out this year. I know it's probably difficult to stay active when you know that you could be associate or alumni and not have to deal with all of the drama, but you know you love it! j/k :) Thanks for listening to my rants and ranting with me. I'd be a total loner without you.

Momma Tot. Despite all the drama of this last year, you're still here. What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger right? Even with all the ups and downs there are now you're still there for me, even as an associate that doesn't want anything to do with sorority. And I thank you for always being there regardless of the day or the hour. <3 you!

Lil sis, Aileen. We've gotten so much closer this year. I'm sorry that all the drama between me and Gina got in between me getting closer to you. It was just so difficult for me to talk to anyone about anything. In a way I was isolating myself, but you were always there when I came back. <3

Desiree, my dearest pledge sister. Can always count on you to set me straight, huh? I can't wait for you to come back, sis. Good times are waiting for us.

My parents, I guess.

Dr. Muir, who has effectively told me I'd be in counseling for the rest of my life to deal with the trauma my parents have inflicted on me.

My great uncle and aunt in Hong Kong. Thanks for showing me a part of Hong Kong that I never saw or remembered. You definitely tied my heart down there.

Finally, for Gina.

偷偷跑掉

So my laptop is down for the count. At least for now. It's having problems charging and it just gets worst and worst. So tomorrow it's going in to get fixed. In the meanwhile I'm stealing my brother's laptop. Let me tell you, he is NOT a happy camper.

I'll tell you now that this is going to be epic.

So lately I've been feeling kind of heated. I've never had much of an opinion on most things and I'm just the one that agrees with the crowd. However, these days I feel like I'm being pushed more and more to the extreme. Lately everything that the active class does bothers me so much that I'm left ranting and raving about it til forever.

The thing that bugs me the most though, is my own pledge sister. Harsh to say, but my own pledge sister is one of things that I want to escape.

Actually, I just had a sudden urge to escape. A sudden urge to hop on a plane and go to Hong Kong and never come back. I'll get more into that later. Back to the original topic at hand.

One of my pledge sisters has been ridiculously difficult these last few months. The more that I think about it the more that it upsets me. Tau class used to be the standard. We used to be the ones that people would say "I hope they turn out like Tau". Unfortunately, I can't even say that now. We've taken a turn for the worst and not even I am free from persecution. I'm a victim of my own bitterness.

When Gina turned inactive, Carol DAed, Desiree turn inactive, and Jess was no longer like a pledge mom to us, it was just me and Mel. During the whole year of drama and stuff, there was me and Mel. And Desiree at times as well. It was us against the world. Or at least that's what I used to say. The first summer of our active career was extremely difficult. It was hard on both of us. Our pledge mom was busy with Upsilon and being president. The stress got to her and to tell you the truth, we all felt the brunt of it. All the actives felt the drama and stress of that year. I don't want to say that my pain and drama was worst than anyone else's, but it was quite a lot.

Gina was feuding with Jess and somehow I knew that inadvertently, I had done something wrong to upset Jess. And it showed because she acted out on those feelings. I was wrong not to delete those messages. And yes, she had every right to be upset. But where did my loyalties go? Did it go to my big sis or to my pledge mom? So I left it as it was.

Carol was gone, Desiree was gone, my big sis was gone, and my pledge mom was totally not into being my mom at the time. On top of that, my family line was split in two. But still, I had Mel. The last standing tots. That summer we stressed together and we wanted to DA together. But in the end we decided to suck it up and wait the year out. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger, right?

So we waited it out. In around March and April I felt like Mel's gut instinct was the benefit the sorority. No matter how wrong she was, she wanted the best for the sorority. However, she's is rather narrow minded. Once she has her opinion on something, regardless of how blindly guided or ill conceived or unreasonable, that's it. She's done thinking about it. So around March and April my big sis's letter was due. As everyone probably knows, it never came. And Mel would talk about how she wouldn't give my big sis the vote to come back. Right in front of me. Saying it to me. And she didn't know jackshit about the situation. Never bothered to ask either.

So my big sis DAed. And from that moment on, I felt this extreme isolation in the sorority. And a lot of the time I still do. Even though so many people tried to console me, no one really understood. I didn't understand it myself for so long. Sometimes I still wonder. There's a lot of "what ifs" hanging around in the air. My world fell apart from there on.

All the actives have a big sis that they can turn to. Or at the very least, they have a pledge sister at their side. For the longest time, it was no longer "us against the world". It was just me. Mel was saying "it's okay" for a bit. She was no more "there for me" than any of the other actives (except for Allie and Jess).

When Gina tore me to pieces on June 9th, where was she?

And now here we are. While we're not estranged, we might as well be. She's becoming the exact person that I would never ever ever ever want my lil sis to be. She's so concerned with the social aspect of sorority life that she's forgotten what sisterhood is. Or perhaps, she's just forgotten what it's like to be a tot. I don't even know how to describe it. The only way I've been able to describe it is not the nicest way in the world.

She is essentially my pledge sister at her convenience. She's a Rho all the other days. And Mimi was right. She's into partying. I'm not. But it hurts to know that just because I can't go party with her that she'd leave me in the dust for someone else. And I still can't get over what she told me this summer. I cannot believe that she said that.

Yes, the flat tire story. I asked her to come and get me and she asked me to call someone else.

And that was when I realized the truth of the situation. She was a 10 - 15 minute walk from me and she brushed me off. I called other people who offered to come from as far as 1.5 hours away. How can I call her "sis" after that? Easy, I don't.

When I asked for Associate status I knew it was going to be a tough one to get. There were a couple votes that I knew I could count on. Allie, Aileen, and Anita. Where's Mel? Not on that list.

When I didn't get it, my heart hardened.

It's amazing how everything can turn around. I was always the nicest active in the world. I couldn't be strict if my life depended on it. But I feel this bitterness arising in me that is just consuming. And I want to do something totally not characteristic of me. Someone stop me before I do something stupid. I have never (really) wished something ill upon another person. I have never wanted someone to feel the pain that I feel.

But I want to make it hurt. And right now the only way to do it is through two pledges. As wrong as it is, I want it. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it.

The count now is a little different. Carol is gone, Desiree is gone, Gina is gone, Mel is no longer truly present in my life. But I have Laura, Allie, and Jess. And my newfound Mimi. Love them to death for all that they've helped me with. They have most definitely been my support through the toughest times.

So now here I am again. Sitting around feeling a need to run away to Hong Kong and never come back. Sit on a packed Subway by myself and get off at Tsim Sha Tsui and walk over to Kowloon Bay and just sit. Take some time off and relax. Then walk back and head for Mongkok to walk down the Goldfish Market. And finally get back on the subway and head for Causeway Bay. Have a seat by Times Square and have some Gelato.

I'm always surrounded by people that smother me. More like my parents and my grandparents. I just need to get away. Away from Los Angeles. Away from California. I need that freedom that I had back in Hong Kong. Not even at my aunt's house did I feel that kind of freedom. Take the subway wherever I needed to go. Take the bus and the trolley every now and then. Run down to Causeway Bay to go shopping and get dinner. Walk back to Happy Valley. Stop at XTC Gelato and get some hot chocolate gelato. It was hot as hell, but it was great. Just wanna go away. Just wanna get away.

If I could, I would take a year off from school and get the hell away from here. And I'd head back to HK in a heartbeat.

For now this concludes my epic post. Who knows when I'll have something else to say again?

我找不到

I'm not sure if I ever posted this up or made mention of it but I'm too lazy to go through my old posts to see if I did or not.

So I went out with Ray some time ago. I think it might have been roughly one month ago. We were just hanging out and going to random places, and he says that I've calmed down a lot. And I say "nuh uh". I say something about being tired and the Adderall and something of the sort. But the truth is, even without the Adderall, I don't seem to have a bounce in my step anymore.

So it brings me to my point, when did I lose that bounce in my step? Allie says that I'm normal now, which is fine. But I want to know when I lost that child in me.

No one seems to remember, and I can't remember either. Somehow, I don't think it was something that just came on its own. I think there was something out there that influenced this. It could be the Adderall. It could be that I just grew up. Or, it could be that situation back in May and June that broke me to pieces. Where did it go? Can I get it back? This sense of normality is kinda worrying to me. Before I used to be bubbling over with energy. Now I feel kinda dead. Tired all the time as well. So what gives?

If only I could remember when was the last time I bounced off a wall. My lil sis can't even remember if I was like that for her pledgeship. I'm not miserable without that hyperness, but I feel like I've lost something. Something that made me who I am.

Maybe that's what I should bring up to Dr. Muir later on today. I'm supposed to meet with him in about 40 minutes anyway. Did Ms. Trix-R-4-Kidz really turn into something else?

Seems like it.

I miss the child in me. The one thing that kept me sane through all these years. The one facade I could always count on.

偷著

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much , and pray too seldom.

W e have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...