Graduation is upon me in a week and a half and I really don't know what I want to do with myself. I've had so much time to think it through but I still don't know and the frustration is starting to get me down.

It's like everybody went to school knowing or came out of school knowing what they wanted to do like it was so natural to them. Here I am, still lost and soon to be the holder of an undergraduate degree. Why can't it come as easily to me?

My aunt keeps telling me I'm afraid of failure and she's right, I am but that's not the reason that I'm not going out there and doing something. She keeps telling me that I need to stop looking back and start moving forward but she doesn't really understand my thought process. I don't really expect her to since my thought process seems to be oddly different from everyone else's.

I look back and I dwell a little bit because I keep trying to figure out what went wrong and I keep thinking that if I figure it out, maybe I can fix it. There are so many things that my mother did to screw me up or over and I'm trying to decipher all of them so I don't repeat those mistakes and I want to understand what made me the person I am today. So I keep looking back and I keep trying to figure it out and hopefully in the process figure out why for the life of me I can't make a damn decision. I'm trying to figure out what I used to love and I keep drawing a blank.

The frustration is finally stating to take a toll on me though.

I think I also have a lot of these preconceived notions of where I'm supposed to be in my life at this age and I'm not there. I'm kind of disappointed in myself. Actually I'm really disappointed with myself. I thought I'd graduate and I'd find a niche for myself and I'm not finding it.

What to do what to do what to do...

I had an interesting conversation with my aunt tonight.

We talked about parenting and reasons behind the problems that I have and the problems my brother is likely to face.

Essentially the way she parents, and may of my friends' parents parent, is by setting their child up for success and allowing them to grow-up and do things themselves. They are given a chance to explore and learn about themselves and really just get out there and take advantage of their life and the way they want to live it. When they leave home it's with the expectation that they will return home to visit and the obligations that their parents put on them is minimal. It is assumed that the bonds built between parent and child is strong enough to withstand not living within the same four walls. These parents want nothing but the best for their child and don't hold them back. Eventually they'll need care but their children are not raised for the purpose of their care. They love and love and expect nothing back.

That's how Cayden and Conway will be. In fact that's the way a lot of kids are these days.

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Motivation is something that you can't really be taught. They say I lack motivation and drive. They're right.

They also say I have issues motivating myself because I was raised to take care of my parents, never to explore the world out there. I was raised to be confined to my parents' house when I was told the sky's the limit.

One step at a time. The four walls are gone.

Oh money money money...you can only buy so much and you can only fix so much. All the toys and gadgets in the world couldn't solve this problem now.

Why do I feel like it's time to move onto a new blog? This one has been active for almost 3 years now. WOW.

The Fact of the Matter is...

I wouldn't be able to stand living with roommates for very long.
I don't respond well to threats or guilt trips.
I'm too independent for my own good.

So, with my uncle threatening to shut off the wireless if I don't move my stuff off my Vaio to the wireless hard drive so my aunt can have the Vaio, my response is as it always is when threatened. Do it.

Telling my aunt to cut off the wireless, charge me rent, kick me out of my room, etc, etc, etc...is not going to work. It's going to ruffle my feathers and cause me to get on the offensive. You want it? Ask me nicely, give me a good reason why you need it on a certain date and why my Facebook-ing and leisure time needs to be disrupted for it, and I'll do it.

Yes, I should just do it because it's my aunt and I probably would have done it this weekend. But now I'm pissed and I'm a stubborn bitch. I'll probably do it and not give her the laptop for a while just to be spiteful.

For the cousin who may or not be reading this will be thinking "you owe them blah blah blah blah". I feel what I feel and I get angry when I get angry. It's ingrained in my personality, not gonna change. This is why I never got along with my mother. Her way of getting me to do things was to take things away and threaten and guilt trip. I, in turn, flip up my virtual middle finger and think of vengeful and spiteful ways to get back at you without getting caught.

Dear Viv,

What are you going to do with yourself?

Because of You

An oldie but a goody:

Kelly Clarkson - Because of You

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

The problem is...

I get so easily frustrated sometimes. The problem seems to always be the same thing: my own space and my stuff.

I've always had my own room so I'm not used to sharing space to begin with. But despite having my own room, I've never really had my own space. That space where no one comes in and touches anything and a place that I can call my own. My space was always being invaded by parents and little brothers. Annoying. My stuff is also the same thing. It didn't matter that it was mine or that I bought it, it always became communal property. I hate it. I hate people touching my stuff and I hate people going into my room and moving my stuff around and fucking with my stuff.

So staying in my aunt's living room for the last year and a half was VERY difficult on my temper and my patience. Grateful for a place to stay and all, but I can't help the way I feel about these things. Woken up every morning by 7AM or earlier by little kiddos jumping on me. Okay, I can handle that. They're cute anyway. TV on so the kids can watch their morning shows, I can do that too. It's when the aunt and uncle come into the living room and turn on all the lights and shit and open all the windows that I get frustrated. Especially since I don't get much sleep to begin with. Petty, I know.

My stuff is another thing. I had no where to put my stuff. Like...no where. I have a small closet in the hall that isn't even a closet. I can hang like 5 sweaters in there and that's it. That's where I have to put my stuff. I've always had a lot of stuff. But things like my laptop and shit do not go in a closet, so where do I put them? Anywhere I pray no one will touch. And if you know anything about me and my laptops, you know never to touch my laptop. I will fucking kill you if you touch my laptop without permission. Double death if you use it without permission. Either way, no space and nothing at all. It's almost like living on the street (luxuriously I suppose). You can sleep at night, but you get up on someone else's accord.

Of course I don't complain out loud. Just in my head.

So, I finally have my own room and I'm sharing a closet again. Similar to what I had at my mother's but not as bad. So, I've got space and ish now and I'm a happier person for it. The grandparents are coming to town so I move my stuff out of the way so they can stay in my room. I come back and find my side desk has moved a long with the stuff on it and my clock radio is unplugged and my shit has been shoved into my closet left and right. Needless to say, I get pissed.

So now everyone's gone and I'm left to clean up the mess that is left in my room. The floors and ridiculously dusty and my closet is a mess. My shelves are hazardous and there's a random pair of socks in my room. I'm doing it because I want my room back. I want a lock on the door too but that's a whole other ball game.

SIGH.

A toast to new beginnings.

I read on Jolene's Facebook status this quote: May the best moments of 2009 be the worst moments of 2010.

Everywhere I look, I notice people's joy that 2009 is over and 2010 is here and everyone keeps mentioning how difficult 2009 was for them. I finally understood the line "it's so hard to believe we're staring at the end when all we think about is starting up again." 2009 was not good to so many people.

But as many have wished, 2009 has left us and 2010 is here. Welcome 2010, please be good to us.

I promise I'll post something worth reading at a later time.