Graduation is upon me in a week and a half and I really don't know what I want to do with myself. I've had so much time to think it through but I still don't know and the frustration is starting to get me down.

It's like everybody went to school knowing or came out of school knowing what they wanted to do like it was so natural to them. Here I am, still lost and soon to be the holder of an undergraduate degree. Why can't it come as easily to me?

My aunt keeps telling me I'm afraid of failure and she's right, I am but that's not the reason that I'm not going out there and doing something. She keeps telling me that I need to stop looking back and start moving forward but she doesn't really understand my thought process. I don't really expect her to since my thought process seems to be oddly different from everyone else's.

I look back and I dwell a little bit because I keep trying to figure out what went wrong and I keep thinking that if I figure it out, maybe I can fix it. There are so many things that my mother did to screw me up or over and I'm trying to decipher all of them so I don't repeat those mistakes and I want to understand what made me the person I am today. So I keep looking back and I keep trying to figure it out and hopefully in the process figure out why for the life of me I can't make a damn decision. I'm trying to figure out what I used to love and I keep drawing a blank.

The frustration is finally stating to take a toll on me though.

I think I also have a lot of these preconceived notions of where I'm supposed to be in my life at this age and I'm not there. I'm kind of disappointed in myself. Actually I'm really disappointed with myself. I thought I'd graduate and I'd find a niche for myself and I'm not finding it.

What to do what to do what to do...