Something new

So, today I went out to dinner. SHOCK. I went out!

But no, that's not why I'm posting. Sure Saturday is normally my nap day but whatever. The new part was who was joining me for dinner.

Sitting across from me was my big sis. And it makes me smile. :)

And here I am

So I've been missing from the blog world for a while now. I just wanted to say I'm alive and that I'm still at my aunt's house. I do love it here. :) I love my little cousins, they're so precious.

I do, however, miss my big sis still. It's hard for me to accept the fact that I haven't replaced her but I've been replaced.

As time passes...

It's been a few days since my last post and I've made SOME amount of progress, not much.

Nothing's really changed.

Trauma

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I need to go back to a shrink.

I went to counseling for about six months and I stopped going in January. This last situation has really got me thinking about going back. I actually think I will.

I honestly think I'm traumatized. My hands shake, my back aches, and I want to throw up and the idea of going home. Yesterday when I was in the shower, I felt like I heard my mom screaming from the other side of the door. I literally turned off the shower and stuck my head outside just to check. Today I keep hearing the phone ringing! I was laying hear and I told my aunt the phone is ringing, and then I questioned it. And I said, "It is ringing right?" I got up and looked up at the phone sitting in front of the TV and realized that it was all in my head. I keep hearing the Cingular ring tone, the one my mom's Blackberry plays when it rings. Everything in my head is a jumble and I'm starting to hear things. I'm going to start hallucinating next...

Fuck. This isn't fair.

You'll never change.

I'm in such a jumble I don't even know what to type.

So this morning, I woke up at around 11AM and I started to finish typing up my term paper on diseases vectored by insects. About 2 minutes after I start typing there's a knocking at my door. Thinking that it was my little brother, I ignore it. I figured if it was anyone else they would state their name. So then the door gets opened despite the lock and my mom comes in and stands there glaring at me.

She demands an answer as to why I didn't open the door when she was knocking. I told her I was doing homework and thought that she was Aaron. She stands there, continues to glare, and asks me if it's hard living at home. Before I can answer she starts screaming about me "sneaking off" to my aunt's house every chance I get. I told her that I had informed her of me going out and she said I didn't. She continues to scream at me about how I never clean my room or mop the floor, etc...Finally I told her that I did come home and mop the floor last night. She yelled at me said I didn't and I told her to ask anyone and they'll tell her I did. She continues to ramble on and on and on about how horrible everyone in the house is and how no one cares about her. Finally she screams that she's moving out and that she can't be our mom anymore because she doesn't know how to deal with us and she's leaving us in the care of our dad or whatever. So I yell back that she's disowning us because she can't stand the fact that I go out or that Aaron is struggling in school. We get into this heated argument that ends up with her hitting me and yelling at me and then my brother. Finally I told my brother to get his towel and some clothes and that we're leaving. So I deal with her and then my brother goes to change. When I'm done I go to his room to get him and she says I can't take him. I ask her why not because she said she was done with all of us. That she disowned us which includes him. Which means he's free for me to take under my care. We get into a screaming fit and I lock myself in the bathroom for about 2 minutes. Then I grab my brother and I leave. She has since, packed and left.

So here I am, blogging at my aunt's house. I feel stiff and tense. I'm lost.

I don't want to care. I want to tell her to go fuck off and leave us alone. She's been weighing me down for so long. Controlling my life to every extent...My head is a clogged mess and I don't know what to do.

I really don't know...

Sometimes I wonder...

You know...recently I have been wondering.

I think about what happened with Gina a lot. Some days I just let it slide, but a lot of the time I just keep wondering. There's so many loose ends that gives me so much false hope. And even though I know it's false, I want it to be real and I keep getting burned.

What do I do?