飛就飛

飛就飛

主唱：側田．吳雨霏

時間常逃走　從來撲塑迷離
誰若錯過　寶貴時機　像趕走了空氣

只有永不捨棄　才有夢想車飛

誰都知一秒價值　也不菲
遲多一分鐘　可否碰到你

若愛飛　就要飛
無謂花心機　去洞悉天機
若要等　下世紀　甚麼更悲
若愛飛　翻天地　才望可得到　快樂的專利
若愛飛　大霧四起　都要飛
都要飛　靠自己

曙光我也想追蹤
別理是否做夢
連自己雙手　亦懶去動
別說大紫大紅

曾經試過升空　活得要夠感動
曾一分鐘　帶著笑容　到星空
明日我共你　便有事蹟溝通

飛就飛　伴你飛
無謂花心機　去洞悉天機
若要等　下世紀　甚麼更悲

飛就飛　伴你飛
才望可得到　快樂的專利
若愛飛　大霧四起　都要飛
靠自己

冰河時期　艱難時期　大勇氣
聯想才神奇　難捨難離　了不起
到過雪地　便已算勝利　視野遠大無比

飛就飛　伴你飛
無謂花心機　去洞悉天機
若要等　下世紀　甚麼轉機　無道理
飛就飛　伴你飛
才望可得到　快樂的專利
若愛飛　大霧四起　都要飛
用兩手　也識飛

Just because I love this song. It's the Chinese version to High School Musical 2's "Everyday" . The title says "Just Fly".

完美主義

So once upon a time long long ago I was part of a group on JCNET called "Wan Mei Zhu Yi" or WMZY. Also known as "Perfection".

Now, today I went to CAPS like I do just about every week, and I met with Dr. Muir as always. We, as always, got into our normal gist of things where he asks me how I've been doing and if there have been any changes. I tell him nothing's been very different but I've been having difficulty waking up in the morning and getting myself going. We didn't get too into that but we did get into a good talk about perfectionism and being a perfectionist.

We talked about the nature of the perfectionist and why sometimes I would feel socially awkward.

Perfectionism is usually viewed as someone who has to have things right, they have to be perfect. A lot of people have noticed that I like things to be perfect and if they're a little off, I would fix it. I hate it when my notes are not neat and I hate having to cross things out on my paper. Some people have made mention that I can be an extreme perfectionist, but I never put much thought into it. I just thought that I wanted things to be right.

So today Dr. Muir asks me about it and I tell him that I am. I have habits that would make me a perfectionist and a lot of the time it was "all or nothing". Kind of like an action potential. Then comes the socially awkward part. So then he asked me about what I was going through my mind as I tried to make conversation with someone I tell him I'm not sure. I tell him I was always kind of the quiet girl. I can talk to my sorority sisters and my friends, but that's it. I have a hard time keeping conversation with people outside my comfort zone. I tell him that I never raised my hand in class despite knowing the answer to whatever question or having questions.

And finally he asks me, "when you do raise your hand in class, what do you feel?" And I tell him that I feel like all eyes are on me, and they are critical eyes. And as I've learned today it's because perfectionists tend to feel like the world is criticizing them. It's like, if I fall below perfect nothing is right. I know that I'm harsh on myself, but at the same time I feel that if I'm not perfect, the world is criticizing me. And seemingly, the world gives off a negative vibe like they are judging my every move.

I'm in a race with the world. But even in the end, if I beat the world out...I'm still running a race with myself. That's what it's like in my head. Gosh I sound like I'm crazy but I swear I'm not.

哈哈哈!

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon." -Chris Rock

I totally took this off my cousin's profile but it made me laugh.

討厭討厭討厭!!!

My grand lil is going to DP and Sammi's lil is gonna cross. I see it already. I see myself taking two steps back. I can't help it.

I'm just bitter.

不公平

So this goes hand in hand with my last post.

Perhaps it's just jealousy, but I feel like ever since Jess's line no longer went straight down, everyone's been kind of lavishing the other half of her line. Playing favorites with the other side.

While I am technically Jess's little sis now, I don't even feel like I'm part of her family line. I feel like...my relationship with her isn't even that of Pledge Mom and Kid. It's more like...me and Allie. We're just really closer than others, but there's no special relationship there. Well okay my relationship with Allie is special but I'm sure you know what I mean. I think that's why losing Gina was so hard on me. I knew it would never be the same. Marlene and Jess both lean towards Sammi and that side of the line. And from me down, we're left floating.

Now some people may think that I'm being silly. Of course my side of the family is loved. We get letters from great grand big/grand big and grand big/big sis...but letters aren't the world.

I love my family line...but the truth is that sometimes I wish I did jump. Because I know Laura would have been the big sis that I needed and wanted. After all this time I still feel this giant gap. Maybe it's the same gap that Laura felt with Xera. Will it ever close?

還有問題

I have to admit that I have this inkling something against Sammi. I really don't want to. Honestly, I don't.

The truth is that I actually think Sammi is great and she's great to be around. She's a sister and everything to me. The problem is just that, no matter how hard I try, I always feel this bit of bitterness towards her. But this is something that we have to go into the past to understand.

When Gina needed some time to fix herself, Jess made a mistake in not giving her the attention that she needed at the time. It crashed and went to hell from there. Then at pizza night, things blew out of proportion. Now, let's not get into too much detail here. I'm not here to explain how things happened between them.

At the time, I thoroughly blamed Jess for everything. It didn't help that there was so much drama going on and I hated how things were going. Things weren't great and then Jess picked up another lil sis. That was Sammi. I loved Sammi from Day 1, in fact I would have wanted her for a lil sis as well. I love my lil sis of course. However, just the fact that she was "Jess's other lil sis" gave me this little bitterness. I thought about being harsh on her, but I wanted to have her as a sister. I felt like she had everything that Gina should have had and my perfect family was being split in a different direction. It didn't help that she had the attention of my pledge mom and my great grand big. It was like, my balance was thrown off by this addition of another line. I hated it. And I wanted so badly for her to drop.

I always thought I had gotten over it. Turns out I had just gotten used to it. Because when Sammi got the lil sis that I wanted for a grand lil, I felt that bitterness rise up again.

I have long gotten past the Jess and Gina thing. In fact, I've had a paradigm shift. I don't see it the way I did last year. I don't blame Jess for it. I just wish I could fix things.

And I wish I could get over this bitterness. I'm a horrible person, but I don't want to be.

沒有想過

我真的沒有想過她們會那麼自私...有時候我想偷偷跑掉。　可是我怎麼做呢﹖