完美主義

So once upon a time long long ago I was part of a group on JCNET called "Wan Mei Zhu Yi" or WMZY. Also known as "Perfection".

Now, today I went to CAPS like I do just about every week, and I met with Dr. Muir as always. We, as always, got into our normal gist of things where he asks me how I've been doing and if there have been any changes. I tell him nothing's been very different but I've been having difficulty waking up in the morning and getting myself going. We didn't get too into that but we did get into a good talk about perfectionism and being a perfectionist.

We talked about the nature of the perfectionist and why sometimes I would feel socially awkward.

Perfectionism is usually viewed as someone who has to have things right, they have to be perfect. A lot of people have noticed that I like things to be perfect and if they're a little off, I would fix it. I hate it when my notes are not neat and I hate having to cross things out on my paper. Some people have made mention that I can be an extreme perfectionist, but I never put much thought into it. I just thought that I wanted things to be right.

So today Dr. Muir asks me about it and I tell him that I am. I have habits that would make me a perfectionist and a lot of the time it was "all or nothing". Kind of like an action potential. Then comes the socially awkward part. So then he asked me about what I was going through my mind as I tried to make conversation with someone I tell him I'm not sure. I tell him I was always kind of the quiet girl. I can talk to my sorority sisters and my friends, but that's it. I have a hard time keeping conversation with people outside my comfort zone. I tell him that I never raised my hand in class despite knowing the answer to whatever question or having questions.

And finally he asks me, "when you do raise your hand in class, what do you feel?" And I tell him that I feel like all eyes are on me, and they are critical eyes. And as I've learned today it's because perfectionists tend to feel like the world is criticizing them. It's like, if I fall below perfect nothing is right. I know that I'm harsh on myself, but at the same time I feel that if I'm not perfect, the world is criticizing me. And seemingly, the world gives off a negative vibe like they are judging my every move.

I'm in a race with the world. But even in the end, if I beat the world out...I'm still running a race with myself. That's what it's like in my head. Gosh I sound like I'm crazy but I swear I'm not.