shu shu berry

This morning at 5:30AM I woke up in tears. I don't understand my dream in the least.

It looked like it was another day when I asked my aunt if everything was taken care of. They said the headstone and everything was taken care of a plot was ready for me. I walked out with a smile and headed to Rose Hills. They showed me my plot and there I saw my name large across what looked like a piece of metal. My name was scrawled across the top in a font that I didn't like and I didn't stop the read the rest. The headstone was about 3 feet tall and it was embedded into a hill so it looked like it stood.

I stopped to talk to my aunt and uncle a bit. Apparently I was choosing death. I was choosing to be put to death despite being perfectly healthy. In the dream, I had made this decision and I was ready to go through with it but I had told no one but my aunt and my uncle. I was content and I was ready even if I was a little scared. So I called Monica up and told her and she said she'd get back to me after she was done e-mailing some people. I took a walk with my uncle and asked him what he thought the other side was like. He said he wasn't sure but he believed in angels and judgment. My uncle took me to my baby Conway and he was there in some underground area that was almost like an underwater viewing area in an aquarium and he was standing there dressed in red. I remember I grabbed him and I said goodbye and I hugged him and didn't want to let go and I cried for the first time. My aunt brought my mother down and I said "bye mom" and that was it. My aunt said she told her about my decision and my injuries, but I remember thinking "what injuries?" We walked back outside and I stood by my headstone and I said that I was having second thoughts but still willing to go through with it. I kept thinking if I would be in pain and if everything would be okay. I cried and then I woke up.

I've never had a dream about my death before and it scares me. I always believed dreams to part of my subconscious and that if I could decipher it I could understand myself better. This...was something else.

Is Conway my savior?

小孩子

Today I bought something new. I always buy something new, but this was different. I bought a scale for my aunt and my uncle because their old scale had a margin of error of 5 pounds and they were dieting. I thought this would be beneficial.

So today when they came home with the kids I was excited to show them, especially my aunt. Of course they were all stressed out and I was brushed aside before I even got a chance to tell them. When I showed my aunt all she could tell me was "later, I'm really busy right now".

I mean, I guess it's fine. My reaction to that should not have been as strong as it was. Then I realized that that was the story of my life. Always brushed off to the side by my parents who wouldn't take 30 seconds to acknowledge me.

All the gifts in the world, and never any of the time. Story of my life.