It is what it is?

On September 9, 2009, my grandfather was attacked at Lashbrook Park. According to my uncle, I "lit a fire under the policemen's asses" and that's what it took to get them to do something. As they seemed to be doing their job, I let the rest of it go. It has been nearly 2 months and I have not heard about the other three attackers being caught, arrested, or any leads.

Last week I received a phone call from my aunt about another elderly Asian man that was beaten up at the same location. What's it going to take for there to be a change?

I feel like I should lay low and wait it out, see if anything happens. Another part of me is screaming for me to go out there and do something. I'm tired of the Asian community keeping their mouths shut and not doing anything about it. I'm tired of the police in El Monte disregarding things like this and filing it away. I'm tired of justice not being served.

I want to see change. I just don't know how.

There's the song from John Mayer - Waiting on the World to Change. The timing of everything makes me feel like it's time for me to do something. But what?




It's not that we don't care, we just know that the fight ain't fair.

Shoes

Every girl needs a pair of...

Rainbows
Old Navy Flip Flops
Casual sandals
Mid-calf boots with a flat sole
Mid-calf boots with a heel
Ankle boots with a heel
Flats
Sneakers
Colorful Nikes/Pumas
Peep-toe heels
Pointy-toed heels
Wedges
Stripper heels
Metallic heels
Gladiator flats
Gladiator heels

Just trust me on this. <3

So I really don't know what brought this on, but today I realized that my pledge sisters are irreplaceable. It doesn't matter how much I talk to one other person or what not, at the end of the day I still go back to them.

It doesn't matter how much hurt in the past they have dealt me, I love them.

I miss them.

I miss her. :/

難

I see your face in my mind as I drive away.

None of us thought it was gonna end that way.

And it's killing me to see you go after all this time.

Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie.

It's the kind of ending you don't really wanna see.

Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down.

And we know it's never simple, never easy.

Never a clean break, no one here to save me.

Never wanted this, never wanted to see you hurt.

Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.

People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out.

Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

Hope you know it's not easy, not easy for me.



And we know it's never simple, never easy, never a clean break...

shu shu berry

This morning at 5:30AM I woke up in tears. I don't understand my dream in the least.

It looked like it was another day when I asked my aunt if everything was taken care of. They said the headstone and everything was taken care of a plot was ready for me. I walked out with a smile and headed to Rose Hills. They showed me my plot and there I saw my name large across what looked like a piece of metal. My name was scrawled across the top in a font that I didn't like and I didn't stop the read the rest. The headstone was about 3 feet tall and it was embedded into a hill so it looked like it stood.

I stopped to talk to my aunt and uncle a bit. Apparently I was choosing death. I was choosing to be put to death despite being perfectly healthy. In the dream, I had made this decision and I was ready to go through with it but I had told no one but my aunt and my uncle. I was content and I was ready even if I was a little scared. So I called Monica up and told her and she said she'd get back to me after she was done e-mailing some people. I took a walk with my uncle and asked him what he thought the other side was like. He said he wasn't sure but he believed in angels and judgment. My uncle took me to my baby Conway and he was there in some underground area that was almost like an underwater viewing area in an aquarium and he was standing there dressed in red. I remember I grabbed him and I said goodbye and I hugged him and didn't want to let go and I cried for the first time. My aunt brought my mother down and I said "bye mom" and that was it. My aunt said she told her about my decision and my injuries, but I remember thinking "what injuries?" We walked back outside and I stood by my headstone and I said that I was having second thoughts but still willing to go through with it. I kept thinking if I would be in pain and if everything would be okay. I cried and then I woke up.

I've never had a dream about my death before and it scares me. I always believed dreams to part of my subconscious and that if I could decipher it I could understand myself better. This...was something else.

Is Conway my savior?

小孩子

Today I bought something new. I always buy something new, but this was different. I bought a scale for my aunt and my uncle because their old scale had a margin of error of 5 pounds and they were dieting. I thought this would be beneficial.

So today when they came home with the kids I was excited to show them, especially my aunt. Of course they were all stressed out and I was brushed aside before I even got a chance to tell them. When I showed my aunt all she could tell me was "later, I'm really busy right now".

I mean, I guess it's fine. My reaction to that should not have been as strong as it was. Then I realized that that was the story of my life. Always brushed off to the side by my parents who wouldn't take 30 seconds to acknowledge me.

All the gifts in the world, and never any of the time. Story of my life.

剛剛記得

One day I was sitting in the computer room with my parents. My dad as sitting next to my mom on the bed and I was sitting in the chair. We were having a jolly old conversation when my mom picks up the phone and strikes him in the head with it.

End.

Hong Kong

Read about my HK adventures here:

http://dearvivan.tumblr.com/

一年

Today marks one year.

Mr. Ryan Conferido and Facebook

The thing about being a college student is that it’s quite liberating. You can go to class if you want, you can leave if you want, you can pretty much do all those things you couldn’t do in high school. Why do I bring this up? I bring it up because I’m in class now. I might as well not be here, but I’m here. You know all those lists that say “you know you’re in college when…”? They are oddly accurate. Yeah, get a good kick out of it now. It’s all true.

Moving on.

The Ryan Conferido “essay contest” due date is coming up and I’m still at a loss. I don’t know if I want to enter or not. There are some pretty intimidating works of art on there and I was never one to set myself up for failure. Vivi the Great was never extremely strong willed or brave. Aside from epic failure, there’s the fact that Mr. Conferido himself could be reading what I write. Scary. Not just because he gets to take a peek inside my brain but also because his writing is pretty intimidating too. In some ways, I’m good at putting myself out there and wearing my heart on my sleeve. In cases like this, I’m a bit of wimp. So how is it that people manage to put up pieces of work that give everyone an inside look at their lives but also at their hearts, thinking, emotions, and so much more? How do you put that out there without being afraid of what people think and their judgments?

Once again, this is something that I admire in people like Ryan Conferido and James Huynh. Despite the fact that people may judge them based words across a screen, they put it out there and sometimes I feel like they are better people for it, happier even. Perhaps it’s my turn to be the lion with a heart of a lamb.

How does Ryan inspire you and benefit your life?

This is an interesting question. I’m not going to lie and say that he has been the greatest inspiration in my life and my life revolves around him and that he is my life. Sorry, my greatest inspirations have come from my own life experiences and my life revolves around me and I am my life. True story. At the same time though, I cannot say that he has not inspired me and has not benefited me. I can’t seem to put the words into place as well as I would like, but essentially, Ryan has inspired self reflection that has set off a chain of events. I’ve never tried to hide the fact that I didn’t know about Quest Crew until the East West Players Visionary Awards and that it was the first time I had ever seen them perform. Since then though, I have been intrigued and fascinated. I learned a little about each member and their history with Quest Crew over the course of a month, but was drawn most to Daniel Ryan Conferido. When I began reading his blog, his acceptance speech at the East West Players Visionary Awards made sense. “You really started to believe in us before things started to take off”, was more personal to him than anyone else. His family didn’t support his choices and his passions. To say I can relate would be an understatement.

For me it goes a little bit beyond that as well though. His family didn’t support his choices and his passions, my family suppressed mine. I followed what I believed was the best way: major in biology, work towards medical school, become a doctor, make big bucks. You know, the typical Asian way of life. Whenever I attempted to deviate it was like my mother tried to surround me with more and more science people. Like Dr. Muir said, it’s probably all I know. I never got a chance to take into account that I like to write and that I love the behind the scenes work in film and television and broadcasting. I never got a chance to discover that I loved to bake and cook (until I was much older). My life was pummeled with what they thought was perfect for me and it wasn’t until I finally “ran away” that I got a chance to look back and realize that the sciences really was all that I knew. I was on one track with no regard for any other tracks; in fact I didn’t know anything about them. So I continued on with it until recently when I realized how ridiculous I was. I was following someone else’s dream and allowing them to live vicariously through me.

Part of the problem was that I didn’t know how to be defiant. I was always the good teenager in high school and there was no rebellion. Well, there was but it was all internal. I didn’t know how to do anything without the approval or support of the people around me. My aunt says that I know what I want, but a lot of times I just need someone to voice their approval. So for me to discover someone (of Asian descent) who did not follow the obedient Asian child role and made his own way without the support and approval of his parents and family was astonishing to me. He stood on his own two feet with dedication, courage, passion, and pride. His belief in himself was strong enough to push him forward and make him work harder. That, my friends, is how it should be. That is true strength and true courage.

One of my favorite quotes is from E.E. Cummings. I first heard it on One Tree Hill and have forever become attached to it.

"To be nobody but yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

And that is something I feel he can attest to…but he has won the battle.

With all of that, I finally realized and believed that there was more to life than the cookie cutter mold my parents had laid out for me. So what if it’s not going to make me a millionaire and so what if I don’t get to live the lavish life that’s been dangled in my face over and over again? What if for once I made a decision that made me happy? What if I made a decision that was for me rather than for the people around me? The idea rather frightens me. It seems that all I know is to aim for that lavish lifestyle. Could I really let go of everything that’s been hammered in my head and really go for it? Can I take a risk? The idea is scary. I suppose it would be for a lot of people. The real question is how much courage (and not the liquid kind) I have in me. Can I do it too? Vivian has never been incredibly brave or strong willed. The idea of failure cripples me to the point where the cookie cutter mold was what I accepted because it was safe and it was practical. Even if it wasn’t what made me happy, it was what I accepted.

I do believe it’s time for me to leave the playpen.

So while Ryan follows his dreams and allows his heart to guide him, I finally take a look over the fence. And with that, Ryan has inspired and benefited me more than some people I have known my entire life.

How has Ryan made an impact on your life and your goals (if any)?

This question and this answer goes hand in hand with the previous entry.

Pick one or more of Ryan’s accomplishments whether it be music or dance and explain what they mean to you or how they have affected your personal life.

This prompt I cannot expand too much on because there’s not too much to be said. Essentially his dancing was what brought him into my life. His dancing was the title of the book that led me to read the summary which in turn led to a trip to the bookstore where a cover drew me in more. When I finally cracked the book open, I discovered more than I expected. I suppose the easiest way to say it would be this way.

Ryan wrote the following:

"You are in my dancing . You are in my music .
You are a source of my encouragement, and a valuable piece of my happiness .
You are officially a part of my life .

You are the names I don't know, and the people I will never meet .
But you are also the friends I will remember forever .

Even once you have forgotten me, my story will bear testament to your presence in my life ."

He doesn’t realize how much of an inspiration he really is. By telling his story he has changed part of mine.

He is in the words on this page.
He is a source of inspiration in my life.
He is one of my few role models, a title rightfully earned.

He has inspired this piece of writing that exposes more of me than many people know. He was the source of a revelation that has taken me an immense amount of courage to believe. He is a source of that belief and that courage.

Just as he says his fans are officially part of his life, he is officially part of mine. Simple and plain.

Given the chance to meet Ryan [again] what would say to him?

I would only hope and pray that I would have the courage to tell him all of this, because he deserves to know.

And that is that. I think. <3

奇怪女兒

On April 27, 2009, I attended the East West Players Visionary Awards, an annual fundraiser for the East West Players. This was my second Visionary Awards and I was not disappointed. But before we get into that, a brief history about East West Players and my history with them.

The East West Players is essentially an Asian American theater group based here in Los Angeles, CA. They were established in 1965 as a place where people of Asian descent could perform, unrestricted by the roles Hollywood placed on them. 44 years later, the East West Players is going strong and producing many notable "alumni" such as Daniel Dae Kim, John Cho, Pat Morita, and B.D. Wong.

My first play with the East West Players was "M. Butterfly" years ago with my cousin Jeffrey. To be honest, I was in high school and more curious than anything. That and I wanted to spend time with my aunt and uncle. So when they asked if I wanted a subscription for the next season, I said yes. And this went on for years. I'm not even sure how many seasons I've been to...maybe four? Anyway, I have seen some amazing productions from the East West Players and some I didn't like so much. Many of the plays that are produced are about Asian Americans, but some shows such as "Be Like Water" deliver some pretty profound messages. My favorite musical production by the East West Players was "Pippin", but we'll get into that another time. Favorite play was probably "Proof" or "Durango".

Each year, the East West Players holds a fundraiser called the Visionary Awards. During the Visionary Awards there is a silent auction, dinner, and of course the awards. The following regarding the Visionary Awards was taken from the East West Players' website:

"The East West Players Anniversary Visionary Awards Dinner is an award-winning event that salutes artists who have raised the visibility of the Asian Pacific American community through theater, film and television. Proceeds from the evening will benefit East West Players educational and artistic programs."



Throughout the years, I have never kept up with the dancing world much. In fact, I don't keep up with much (classes included). The East West Players, however, had a different idea in mind. Starting last year, they began to present their "Breakout Performance" award. Last year, during their 42nd Visionary Awards, they presented it for the first time to the Jabbawockeez. At the time, I was completely taken with them. Not really obsessed or fangirl, but I was impressed. This year, they presented it to Quest Crew. Two out of three seasons, crews with members of Asian descent have won when America got to vote. This season, season three, a group that comprised of members that are all of Asian descent won. What’s it to me? Well, let’s take a look at my thinking for a brief ADHD moment.

The world isn’t ready for Asian Americans to make a strong presence, at least not yet. That’s always been my opinion. Slowly but surely we’re getting there. The odds always seem to be stacked against us when America gets to vote. The minority tends to go poof. It’s sad, but you all know it’s true. At the end of the day we grow to accept it and then in comes this group of guys, the first dance crew to win ABDC that has members that are all of Asian descent. They come in and they not only put on a good show, but they win. Well that changes my perspective on some things.

I was completely taken by Quest Crew. And kind of fangirly too.

I have never been taken with dancing much. Music and singing? Totally. Dancing? Well, that's new. I can talk forever about American Idol, Jay Chou, and the like! America's Best Dance Crew? Not a clue. I had to Google what "BBoy" meant and search Wikipedia for more clarification. For some odd reason or another, I continue to follow and learn about dancing so I can keep up with these young men. Despite the fact that I could easily get over Jabbawockeez (though it was fun to brag about seeing them for a while) and brush it off, this thing for Quest Crew lingers on.

So what's drawing me and millions of others in? For some it's because "they're soooooooooo cute!", so says the teeny bopper that was sitting behind me at NBA Nation. For others it’s because they simply admire their dancing. But for me, I think I see something obvious. I see ordinary people with extraordinary talent, extraordinary passion, and extraordinary drive. The rest seems to fall into place. I know people say it all the time, but how many of them actually mean it? How many of them can go up to them and talk to them and not feel those butterflies that you feel when you’re talking to someone special? You know, that nervous feeling and those darn butterflies you get when you get to meet a celebrity? I know you all know what I’m talking about.

They actually remind me immensely of a Mr. James Huynh who I hold dear to my heart despite the fact that he’s deathly afraid of California and his beliefs about the superiority of the West Coast over the East Coast clash drastically with my own. He is a topic of another time, and a big topic he is. 

I have been fortunate enough to meet them on two different occasions. As a fan, I expected the full onslaught of butterflies. Those stupid butterflies hit me all the time! But when they came one by one and I actually got to talk to them briefly? Nothing. As comfortable as if they were my sorority sisters. Slight exaggeration. My aunt even said, “They’re so humble, if you met them outside you’d never guess they were famous”. They’re gracious, humble, grateful, and thankful. They’re good folks: Ordinary people with some extraordinary parts to them. Even after knowing all this, there’s still the question of “Why them?”

I get asked this question a lot actually. People like to question why I like things and often times I simply respond with my universal answer of, “I just do”. After all this reflective writing, I think I know what it is. They are what I want to be. Not as dancers or as professionals, but as people.

They have succeeded in areas in which I have failed.
They go against the odds to do what they love and settle for nothing less.
They do what they do with a passion and not just to get by.
They dedicate themselves to their craft willingly and let discouraging words fuel them more.

And I suppose that that’s that. To think this was all prompted by an “essay contest” in the Ryan Conferido Facebook group. Don’t know if I should enter. Maybe? We’ll conclude this for now. Sorry if my ADHD was too much for you, I couldn't get a straight thought out.

Relaaaaaaaaax...

So, I have always been a bit defensive about people I care about or celebrities that I adore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty objective and pretty unbiased. I can say “that’s fucked up” when it’s fucked up and I can say “STFU” as needed. So let’s move on from this paragraph and have a little fun. Keep in mind I have ADHD and it’s too late for me to take my meds, so if I bounce from topic to topic, sorry get over it.

Working for the bank for a little over three years, you learn some interesting things. The coworkers you have and the people you meet impart wisdom on you or they inspire wisdom in you. Either that or you just learn something. For example, I have learned that “so dark” can refer to so much more than color or how well lit a room is. I have also learned that customers are generally not the brightest light bulbs on the shelf. But enough of the silly things I have learned! Let’s get to the “wisdom”.

One of the greater “wisdoms” passed down to me from Great Master Li Yang is that there are customers (we’ll call them people in this entry) who don’t understand and there are people who won’t understand. So let’s take Master Yang’s words of wisdom and apply it to this current situation with Quest Crew (didn’t see that coming, huh?).

For those of you who don’t know, and my general reader(s) probably don’t, Quest Crew did not perform at their North Carolina show as planned. Something or another happened and it just didn’t happen. No one knows the details for sure at this point, and everyone’s guessing. Well, I don’t care (yet). What I do care about is all those nasty messages plaguing their “Questbook”.

Everyone needs to take a chill pill. Both sides.

And now, because I have ADHD and have lost my train of thought too many times to get it back (I think it left the station altogether), I’m going to get straight to the point. As of this moment, there has been no real news as to what happened at the show. I cannot defend them as much as I want to because I do not know the facts. I do, however, know what I believe. I believe that they are good people and that whatever happened in North Carolina was unintentional and stuff happens. I believe that as good people they did not mean to upset their fans or “flake” on a show that people paid money to see. But of course a character witness can only go so far. So even if my testimony isn’t as solid as a rock, I hope it counts for something.

Now, as for the prosecution (that’s all the people pointing fingers out there), their testimony isn’t any better. It might actually be worse than mine is. The only fact we know right now is that they didn’t perform as scheduled. To say that they have changed as people and that they don’t appreciate their fans is like trying to convict a person when mens rea hasn’t been taken into consideration. Where’s the argument to support the claim?

Back to my “wisdom” mentioned earlier. I mentioned this for all those people who are avidly trying to defend Quest Crew. There are people out there who don’t understand and that can be reasoned with. Then there are people who refuse to understand. Those people aren’t worth your time. Let it go. I could write pages and pages about this, but I’ll save it for another day.

But really, people need to stops sipping on their Haterade and get over it. And don’t tell me that they’re too tall because they bend over backwards a lot and enough to get over it! Take that last sentence as you will.

海邊

This could potentially be procrastination at its worst, but let's see where it takes me.

For some reason today when I was driving home, I began to think. It's not a long drive from Luppy's house, probably only about 20 minutes or so. That time, however, was enough for me to say a lot of things to myself. So here are some of the highlights of that conversation with myself.

I always worry that I'll never know what love is. I worry that I'll never be able to love someone so much that it's all encompassing and the other way around. Maybe, it's the fairy tale in me that's waiting for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet or maybe it's the fact that I can't remember loving or being loved so.

Everyday I question my relationship with my parents more and more. It's been almost a year since I've run away from my parents and taken up refuge here at my aunt's house. Not a day goes by that I wish I was back there despite whatever situation that may come up. In fact, I never have the urge to call them or anything. I don't miss them, but I feel bad for my dad because I know he misses me. I know that I care in some sense, but do I really love my parents? Have I ever loved my parents? The words "I love you" never came out of my mouth willingly before and I never said it first. I can say I love Laura, Allie, Jess, Luppy, Mel, Dez, and the list goes on, but I can't say that I love my parents, not even casually. I never could. When people talked about how much they revered their parents and how much they loved them and could never do them wrong, I couldn't relate. Then I think some more and wonder if I ever felt loved.

I always had the materialistic things. I had a new car, a new laptop, my own room that was twice the size of everyone else's, my tuition was paid for, and the like. But honestly, that's all I can remember. I don't remember much aside from the gifts and the money. Chris once said that I was more fond of the materialistic things, and maybe that's why. I was always showered with the materialistic things, so it was all I knew. But as I grew up and time went on, I know that I proved (to myself at least) that he was wrong. It's amazing how little you need to get by. Especially when you storm out of the house with your pillow, laptop, cell phone, school books, and nothing else and never looked back. I still like them of course, who wouldn't? But at the same time they're not what the ultimate search for is.

This isn't the first time this situation has come up. In fact, when I was about 17 I wondered about it too. I wondered if I had ever felt love and if I could ever love someone so much that I would always feel it. I know Mel, Luppy, Laura, Allie, Jess, my aunt, etc...all love me in their own way. It's impossible for me to not feel the care there. But I suppose I'm still on that search for more.

I still wonder, to this day, if I will ever love someone as much as I want to and if I'm even capable of it.

Having never felt that kind of love, is it possible for me to give it?

Is it possible for me to know?

Will I be able to love as much as I want to with as little regard as I want?

Am I really so fucked up now that I can't?

I'd like to think I'm moving forward with my life and not standing in place waiting for something to happen. I would like to think that I'm making progress with everything...but at the end of the day, I'm still the little girl with a foot on the dock and a foot in the boat. The little girl who tried so desperately to keep the boat and the dock together in one place, even at the risk of drowning.

But she's small and she can't. She can't keep her boat with the dock, but still she tried. She wished away the currents that were pulling her boat and dock apart, but nothing.

So what does she do? Does she go with the boat and let it take her away to unfamiliar places? Take her to places that can bring her true happiness or more pain. Or does she stay with the dock and watch as her precious lifeboat drifts away. Or does she keep trying and eventually drown?

Those were the option Dr. Muir gave me all those months ago. But today, as I was driving home, I realized that there was something new to this situation and this little girl.

Say the little girl had grown numb to the situation and the currents. What happens when the currents get stronger or change?

And then, what if she didn't care anymore? What if she was holding on to the boat and the dock to go through the motions? What happens when she stops caring but a decision still has to be made but she cannot decide because both options would destroy her in the end?

Maybe she'll let go and let the water have her. Let the water have her body and let the current take it where it will while her spirit stays by the dock. Seems to be the only way.

The little girl that never felt love and never loved would be lost in the water forever.

喝了太多

So, last night was interesting to say the least.

I got drunk.

MAJORLY.

I DROVE.

Holy effing crap. That's probably why being drunk wasn't as enjoyable last night for me. I knew I was being stupid and I knew that it'd kick my ass in 2 hours!

Last night's drink count wasn't all that impressive if I'm being completely honest.

3 Buttery Nipples
1 Kamikaze
1 Screwdriver (Thanks, Kenneth)
2 Pineapple and Vodka

So..........YEAH. Somewhere around ordering my first pineapple and Vodka and a buttery nipple all the alcohol just hit me HARD and FAST. I seriously went from nothing to something super duper fast. My pledge sister said it's because I drank a bunch of creeper drinks. All my shots were creepers apparently. I think the Vodka in my Pineapple and Vodka might have been cheap vodka instead of Belvedere...because we all know cheap vodka will get to you sooner than Goose does!

The interesting thing about being drunk last night was that it was the first time that I have acted so irresponsibly...I actually did NOT drunk dial like I usually did. I made a couple of "need help" phone calls and texts but really the only person I talked to on the phone was for the sake of comfort because I was feeling like crap for making Luppy shuffle me around when I should have known better and had better judgement. I know Luppy loves me and she's not mad at me and she didn't mind, it's just that I felt bad for acting so irresponsibly. Last night was just about having fun and it turned out to be pretty baddd...My drunken state couldn't take that worry out of my mind so there was no kid that came out to play last night after we left Lucky Strike.

And then there was staying with James. Honestly, I wouldn't have worried before Vegas, because to me James was cool guy (still is), but my worries aren't unfounded. At the same time though, I don't think anything would have happened, it was just a worry. I was such a drunk worry wart. The point was that I got home mostly sober but I know I wasn't completely sober because when I drank orange juice last night I wanted to throw up because my mind was still associating orange juice with alcohol. So yeah.

Never again.

姐姐在那裏？

So the pledges have been driving me insane but that's not what I'm blogging about.

One of our actives made mention that her lil sis said something that was rather hurtful to her. She is reluctant to stay to continue pledging and her big sis doesn't seem to matter enough to her for her to stay, but her pledge sisters do. Normally I'd say that it's a norm, but it's not something you would say to your big sis's face.

When this person told me this my response was obviously that it was rather effed up, but then it was only the second week and nothing is set in stone yet. Her bond with her lil sis will need to be built over time and it's not instantaneous. And of course there was a small bit of concern. All I can say to that is that I wrote the book on fucked up big/lil relationships.

I don't know if I have/had the worst, but sometimes it feels/felt like it. But everything happens for a reason though, right?

I remember one day I stopped and I looked back and I told Laura "I feel like I've grown in the sorority without her..." and she told me I did. And I remember I felt so sad that my big sis wasn't there to watch me grow and progress. I was so sad that she wasn't there when I crossed my lil sis and when I first became a big sis. She wasn't there to watch me take her place as the Philanthropy chair or to watch my lil sis take my place as the philanthropy chair. She wasn't there when I started to take initiative and speak up...

I think because I don't say anything anymore, a lot of people don't think much of it. But those people who were there with me when it happened know that it wasn't nothing. It was a big deal and still is in some senses.

I don't know why I'm posting this or what I'm trying to say...but yeah.

會不會改變？

My Fatal Flaw, by Ephram Brown


The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.

I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do.

But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

我不懂

Honestly, I don't know why I'm in such a mood. It seemed like a fine day and everything was good all through dim sum and such. It seems like after I woke up from my nap everything was going to hell.

It's not like I'm insane or anything, but I know people think I need to go back to counseling.

So today a lot of my stuff came back to me. My boxes, drawer carts, CDs, dresses, some jackets, etc...not all of it, but some of it. And honestly, it made me upset to see them. I didn't want them and I got frustrated when I saw them. I got rid of most of the stuff and then my aunt brought back more stuff. All I asked for was a drawer of papers from my old room, not my jackets or other shit. I don't want any of it and no one seems to get it. I don't want all the clothes back or the drawers. I had a list of things I wanted.

1. My paddle and sorority gifts
2. My Jay Chou stuff
3. 1 dress that I need for Monday
4. A drawer full of papers

And when I asked my aunt where the papers were she said that my third aunt and my mom were having a crying fest and she didn't want to make it worst by going in to get my papers.

And honestly, it wasn't about the stuff. It wasn't about the crying fest. It was the stuff that was said about me. I've learned that you shouldn't listen to everyone and that not all of your elders deserve respect nor should you always listen to them. I've learned this more than once but for some reason what they say always manages to tear me down.

你知道嗎愛你並不容易

The title doesn't mean anything, it's part of a song from Jacky Cheung that just got stuck in my head. It does that every now and then. Jay sang it at his LA concert back in 2004.

I'm watching Finding Nemo again...as if I don't already know it back and forth.

In fact I don't know why I'm posting again. LOL.

Okay I'm off! :D

有時候。。。真的不公平。

我不要你討厭我。
我不想是個我不想是個負荷。

I suppose nothing has really changed.

Sorry, didn't mean to force myself onto you. I promise I'll be good. I just missed having you around.

And you pushed and I left. I only did it because I thought you were already too far away for me to reach and that you had made your decision. There, I opened the can of worms.

What to do what to do what to do...太複雜。

Everything tonight is making me think. I swam so I could sleep. Guess not. :/

不同

DUDE. So I’ve been looking for a NetBook as of late just for fun. I know I don’t really need one and my laptop is still pretty much new, but I’ve still been looking. So I get to class and I’m sitting here and this guy pulls out this Samsung laptop and it’s super small, I’m thinking 8-inches or smaller and it’s HOTTTT. Hahaha…so that’s my random note for the day. I’m definitely going to look into it, but knowing me I won’t get it because it looks like it lags and Samsungs are not always the best in the field of computers. But somehow the bastard gets Internet in this classroom…JEALOUS TO THE MAX.

So now that I’m just here in class, I have time to just type because I don’t’ pay attention in class. :D So I suppose I should just update this thing because it really has been a while.

Nothing’s changed too much, I suppose. These last few months, despite being unemployed and broke as hell, I’ve been pretty happy despite the “movie moments” as I like to call them. I suppose I’d have to explain that. Over the last year (it’s been almost a year), I have been more or less realized how fucked up my life has been. That’s not to say I didn’t have the good parts, but a pretty large part of it was fucked up. I don’t think I would have ever realized it either if I hadn’t “run away”. Even when I was going to CAPS and Dr. Muir told me that it was abuse, I didn’t believe it. I still don’t want to, but it’s becoming more and more clear to me as each day passes by. And those “movie moments” are those moments of clarity with the revelations. So here’s my story and there’s so much to tell that I probably won’t be able to fit it all in one sitting, but I can start and the rest can come later I suppose.

My mother had, no doubt, been such a large part of my life for such a long time. For years, she was my idol and everything I aspired to be: a strong independent woman that makes everything her own. That was what I saw and what I wanted. People often told me how lucky I was that I had such a great mother, and at a younger age I believed it. Then things changed gradually. I suppose I noticed the difference, but I just brushed it off as usual. High school was still a happy time for me save for my emo moments so really, there’s not too much for me to look back on. The moment I entered college though, that’s when it all started. She seemed understanding at first with me joining a sorority and such. I guess being 17 and such, she still had a lot of control over me so I usually asked before anything. Part of the “obedient Asian kid” act I suppose. Once I turned 18, things just got worst. I wanted to be independent, she wanted to control me. She would call me at 10PM if I was out late and depending on her mood I could go out or stay in as well as the time I could stay out until.

Then Spring Quarter 2006 came around. For me, that quarter everything went to hell. My parents fought constantly and were now in the middle of a divorce that I got caught up in. I tried to turn away, but all of a sudden the weight was put on me. She told me, “If you want this to stop, just say it and we’ll stop the divorce.” And I couldn’t bring myself to say yes, but at the same time I couldn’t say no. I remember feeling extreme guilt that neither of my parents were happy because I couldn’t make the decision. That quarter I remember I would go to class and just sit outside the door and think. I would literally drive to school and not attend class, just sit outside, and think. I spent as much time on campus as I could justify and I understood the words “anywhere but here”. I didn’t realize it, but I was running away already. It was the first time I discovered a sanctuary outside of home and it was everywhere but home. I started spending more time with little Cayden who was only 1 at the time and well, we all know how much I love him. And I think that was the quarter I learned to shut everyone out. That was when I grew up and I became the person I didn’t want to be. I was no longer family oriented and I couldn’t be happy no matter how much I tried. And that’s when I started to lose my bounce.

Time went by and my life was still controlled, but it was calm which was all that I could really ask for. But it was the calm before the storm. She began to resent the family for everything. I thought it was just something that would pass, something that was a heat of the moment thing. I let it go most of the time and took it with a grain of salt. However, it became more and more frequent until it blew up. After her car accident she was no longer reasonable. There was no talking to her. Then that whole situation happened and a new chapter in my life started. She used to tell me that if I ever ran away home that I should never come back because she would just pretend I was dead and bury an empty casket and that would be that. I couldn’t bring myself to care anymore.

I realized that my mother was not who I thought she was. She was not strong and independent. Rather, she relied heavily on me. She had no real outside friends to talk to, so she talked to me about things that are meant for friends, not your daughter. She relied heavily on me for these things and I didn’t want to be a part of them. Sometimes I really think that I’m being selfish for not wanting be a part of it and not wanting to be best friend that she can tell everything to. I couldn’t be both her daughter and her best friend. She wanted me to have the roles separated and I couldn’t do that. She began to need me more and more and I pushed away more and more. She was needy and dependent and lied to me and she wanted me to fight her battles for her. And when I didn’t, I was considered a bad person.

I realized with time that the strain in my relationship with my daddy was because of her. My dad worked later than my mom did, often didn’t come home until 7:30-ish and with a 9:00PM bed time, I didn’t see too much of him. She would tell me that he was cheating on her, that he was having sex with other women and all those other things. For years, she would berate my dad in front of me and expect me to hold some ounce of respect and compassion for him. She wanted me to tell him off for her when she was mad and she expected me to still be daddy’s little girl after all of that and wondered why I wasn’t.

My aunt asked me why I didn’t ask for help before when I wanted to leave for college. I told her it never felt like I had strong outside sources and that I was afraid. I wasn’t afraid of moving out, I was afraid of my mother’s reaction. Then I found the lie. She told my aunt that if I had gotten into a UC or a good school she would have let me go. When I was applying for schools she told me to stop applying for schools outside of daily driving distance and wasting her money on the application fee because she wouldn’t let me go. I believed it. I was 17, she had to sign the papers.

I always knew my mother didn’t want me to work and just go to school, I always wondered why. I needed work experience to make it in the real world anyway. My aunt said it was probably because she knew that was the only hold she had on me and it was the last bit of control she had on me when I turned 18. She always wanted to have a say in what I wore and she wanted to control how I spent my own money. And that’s how it went. Control.

I suppose that’s all I’m going to write in terms of that today. There’s so much more to tell, but being in class, I’m limited to what I can type.

But all of this comes with something else my aunt asked me. She asked me if I knew what a real relationship looked like because she wanted to make sure that I knew for a fact that what my parents had was not what it was supposed to look like. I told her that what I saw between her and my uncle was real, but at the same time I have some imaginary perception of what love and a real relationship is like. And I suppose that’s where the “Disney princess” line is at. I want what I have in my imagination and I haven’t outgrown it. I’ve tried so hard to live up to my mother’s faux strong independence that I’ve become guarded. I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be the damsel in distress with a knight in shining armor to save me and sweep me off my feet. So I guess this Disney Princess will just have to continue looking for Prince Charming and hope that he exists.