會不會改變？

My Fatal Flaw, by Ephram Brown


The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.

I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do.

But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

我不懂

Honestly, I don't know why I'm in such a mood. It seemed like a fine day and everything was good all through dim sum and such. It seems like after I woke up from my nap everything was going to hell.

It's not like I'm insane or anything, but I know people think I need to go back to counseling.

So today a lot of my stuff came back to me. My boxes, drawer carts, CDs, dresses, some jackets, etc...not all of it, but some of it. And honestly, it made me upset to see them. I didn't want them and I got frustrated when I saw them. I got rid of most of the stuff and then my aunt brought back more stuff. All I asked for was a drawer of papers from my old room, not my jackets or other shit. I don't want any of it and no one seems to get it. I don't want all the clothes back or the drawers. I had a list of things I wanted.

1. My paddle and sorority gifts
2. My Jay Chou stuff
3. 1 dress that I need for Monday
4. A drawer full of papers

And when I asked my aunt where the papers were she said that my third aunt and my mom were having a crying fest and she didn't want to make it worst by going in to get my papers.

And honestly, it wasn't about the stuff. It wasn't about the crying fest. It was the stuff that was said about me. I've learned that you shouldn't listen to everyone and that not all of your elders deserve respect nor should you always listen to them. I've learned this more than once but for some reason what they say always manages to tear me down.

你知道嗎愛你並不容易

The title doesn't mean anything, it's part of a song from Jacky Cheung that just got stuck in my head. It does that every now and then. Jay sang it at his LA concert back in 2004.

I'm watching Finding Nemo again...as if I don't already know it back and forth.

In fact I don't know why I'm posting again. LOL.

Okay I'm off! :D

有時候。。。真的不公平。

我不要你討厭我。
我不想是個我不想是個負荷。

I suppose nothing has really changed.

Sorry, didn't mean to force myself onto you. I promise I'll be good. I just missed having you around.

And you pushed and I left. I only did it because I thought you were already too far away for me to reach and that you had made your decision. There, I opened the can of worms.

What to do what to do what to do...太複雜。

Everything tonight is making me think. I swam so I could sleep. Guess not. :/

不同

DUDE. So I’ve been looking for a NetBook as of late just for fun. I know I don’t really need one and my laptop is still pretty much new, but I’ve still been looking. So I get to class and I’m sitting here and this guy pulls out this Samsung laptop and it’s super small, I’m thinking 8-inches or smaller and it’s HOTTTT. Hahaha…so that’s my random note for the day. I’m definitely going to look into it, but knowing me I won’t get it because it looks like it lags and Samsungs are not always the best in the field of computers. But somehow the bastard gets Internet in this classroom…JEALOUS TO THE MAX.

So now that I’m just here in class, I have time to just type because I don’t’ pay attention in class. :D So I suppose I should just update this thing because it really has been a while.

Nothing’s changed too much, I suppose. These last few months, despite being unemployed and broke as hell, I’ve been pretty happy despite the “movie moments” as I like to call them. I suppose I’d have to explain that. Over the last year (it’s been almost a year), I have been more or less realized how fucked up my life has been. That’s not to say I didn’t have the good parts, but a pretty large part of it was fucked up. I don’t think I would have ever realized it either if I hadn’t “run away”. Even when I was going to CAPS and Dr. Muir told me that it was abuse, I didn’t believe it. I still don’t want to, but it’s becoming more and more clear to me as each day passes by. And those “movie moments” are those moments of clarity with the revelations. So here’s my story and there’s so much to tell that I probably won’t be able to fit it all in one sitting, but I can start and the rest can come later I suppose.

My mother had, no doubt, been such a large part of my life for such a long time. For years, she was my idol and everything I aspired to be: a strong independent woman that makes everything her own. That was what I saw and what I wanted. People often told me how lucky I was that I had such a great mother, and at a younger age I believed it. Then things changed gradually. I suppose I noticed the difference, but I just brushed it off as usual. High school was still a happy time for me save for my emo moments so really, there’s not too much for me to look back on. The moment I entered college though, that’s when it all started. She seemed understanding at first with me joining a sorority and such. I guess being 17 and such, she still had a lot of control over me so I usually asked before anything. Part of the “obedient Asian kid” act I suppose. Once I turned 18, things just got worst. I wanted to be independent, she wanted to control me. She would call me at 10PM if I was out late and depending on her mood I could go out or stay in as well as the time I could stay out until.

Then Spring Quarter 2006 came around. For me, that quarter everything went to hell. My parents fought constantly and were now in the middle of a divorce that I got caught up in. I tried to turn away, but all of a sudden the weight was put on me. She told me, “If you want this to stop, just say it and we’ll stop the divorce.” And I couldn’t bring myself to say yes, but at the same time I couldn’t say no. I remember feeling extreme guilt that neither of my parents were happy because I couldn’t make the decision. That quarter I remember I would go to class and just sit outside the door and think. I would literally drive to school and not attend class, just sit outside, and think. I spent as much time on campus as I could justify and I understood the words “anywhere but here”. I didn’t realize it, but I was running away already. It was the first time I discovered a sanctuary outside of home and it was everywhere but home. I started spending more time with little Cayden who was only 1 at the time and well, we all know how much I love him. And I think that was the quarter I learned to shut everyone out. That was when I grew up and I became the person I didn’t want to be. I was no longer family oriented and I couldn’t be happy no matter how much I tried. And that’s when I started to lose my bounce.

Time went by and my life was still controlled, but it was calm which was all that I could really ask for. But it was the calm before the storm. She began to resent the family for everything. I thought it was just something that would pass, something that was a heat of the moment thing. I let it go most of the time and took it with a grain of salt. However, it became more and more frequent until it blew up. After her car accident she was no longer reasonable. There was no talking to her. Then that whole situation happened and a new chapter in my life started. She used to tell me that if I ever ran away home that I should never come back because she would just pretend I was dead and bury an empty casket and that would be that. I couldn’t bring myself to care anymore.

I realized that my mother was not who I thought she was. She was not strong and independent. Rather, she relied heavily on me. She had no real outside friends to talk to, so she talked to me about things that are meant for friends, not your daughter. She relied heavily on me for these things and I didn’t want to be a part of them. Sometimes I really think that I’m being selfish for not wanting be a part of it and not wanting to be best friend that she can tell everything to. I couldn’t be both her daughter and her best friend. She wanted me to have the roles separated and I couldn’t do that. She began to need me more and more and I pushed away more and more. She was needy and dependent and lied to me and she wanted me to fight her battles for her. And when I didn’t, I was considered a bad person.

I realized with time that the strain in my relationship with my daddy was because of her. My dad worked later than my mom did, often didn’t come home until 7:30-ish and with a 9:00PM bed time, I didn’t see too much of him. She would tell me that he was cheating on her, that he was having sex with other women and all those other things. For years, she would berate my dad in front of me and expect me to hold some ounce of respect and compassion for him. She wanted me to tell him off for her when she was mad and she expected me to still be daddy’s little girl after all of that and wondered why I wasn’t.

My aunt asked me why I didn’t ask for help before when I wanted to leave for college. I told her it never felt like I had strong outside sources and that I was afraid. I wasn’t afraid of moving out, I was afraid of my mother’s reaction. Then I found the lie. She told my aunt that if I had gotten into a UC or a good school she would have let me go. When I was applying for schools she told me to stop applying for schools outside of daily driving distance and wasting her money on the application fee because she wouldn’t let me go. I believed it. I was 17, she had to sign the papers.

I always knew my mother didn’t want me to work and just go to school, I always wondered why. I needed work experience to make it in the real world anyway. My aunt said it was probably because she knew that was the only hold she had on me and it was the last bit of control she had on me when I turned 18. She always wanted to have a say in what I wore and she wanted to control how I spent my own money. And that’s how it went. Control.

I suppose that’s all I’m going to write in terms of that today. There’s so much more to tell, but being in class, I’m limited to what I can type.

But all of this comes with something else my aunt asked me. She asked me if I knew what a real relationship looked like because she wanted to make sure that I knew for a fact that what my parents had was not what it was supposed to look like. I told her that what I saw between her and my uncle was real, but at the same time I have some imaginary perception of what love and a real relationship is like. And I suppose that’s where the “Disney princess” line is at. I want what I have in my imagination and I haven’t outgrown it. I’ve tried so hard to live up to my mother’s faux strong independence that I’ve become guarded. I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be the damsel in distress with a knight in shining armor to save me and sweep me off my feet. So I guess this Disney Princess will just have to continue looking for Prince Charming and hope that he exists.