Mr. Ryan Conferido and Facebook

The thing about being a college student is that it’s quite liberating. You can go to class if you want, you can leave if you want, you can pretty much do all those things you couldn’t do in high school. Why do I bring this up? I bring it up because I’m in class now. I might as well not be here, but I’m here. You know all those lists that say “you know you’re in college when…”? They are oddly accurate. Yeah, get a good kick out of it now. It’s all true.

Moving on.

The Ryan Conferido “essay contest” due date is coming up and I’m still at a loss. I don’t know if I want to enter or not. There are some pretty intimidating works of art on there and I was never one to set myself up for failure. Vivi the Great was never extremely strong willed or brave. Aside from epic failure, there’s the fact that Mr. Conferido himself could be reading what I write. Scary. Not just because he gets to take a peek inside my brain but also because his writing is pretty intimidating too. In some ways, I’m good at putting myself out there and wearing my heart on my sleeve. In cases like this, I’m a bit of wimp. So how is it that people manage to put up pieces of work that give everyone an inside look at their lives but also at their hearts, thinking, emotions, and so much more? How do you put that out there without being afraid of what people think and their judgments?

Once again, this is something that I admire in people like Ryan Conferido and James Huynh. Despite the fact that people may judge them based words across a screen, they put it out there and sometimes I feel like they are better people for it, happier even. Perhaps it’s my turn to be the lion with a heart of a lamb.

How does Ryan inspire you and benefit your life?

This is an interesting question. I’m not going to lie and say that he has been the greatest inspiration in my life and my life revolves around him and that he is my life. Sorry, my greatest inspirations have come from my own life experiences and my life revolves around me and I am my life. True story. At the same time though, I cannot say that he has not inspired me and has not benefited me. I can’t seem to put the words into place as well as I would like, but essentially, Ryan has inspired self reflection that has set off a chain of events. I’ve never tried to hide the fact that I didn’t know about Quest Crew until the East West Players Visionary Awards and that it was the first time I had ever seen them perform. Since then though, I have been intrigued and fascinated. I learned a little about each member and their history with Quest Crew over the course of a month, but was drawn most to Daniel Ryan Conferido. When I began reading his blog, his acceptance speech at the East West Players Visionary Awards made sense. “You really started to believe in us before things started to take off”, was more personal to him than anyone else. His family didn’t support his choices and his passions. To say I can relate would be an understatement.

For me it goes a little bit beyond that as well though. His family didn’t support his choices and his passions, my family suppressed mine. I followed what I believed was the best way: major in biology, work towards medical school, become a doctor, make big bucks. You know, the typical Asian way of life. Whenever I attempted to deviate it was like my mother tried to surround me with more and more science people. Like Dr. Muir said, it’s probably all I know. I never got a chance to take into account that I like to write and that I love the behind the scenes work in film and television and broadcasting. I never got a chance to discover that I loved to bake and cook (until I was much older). My life was pummeled with what they thought was perfect for me and it wasn’t until I finally “ran away” that I got a chance to look back and realize that the sciences really was all that I knew. I was on one track with no regard for any other tracks; in fact I didn’t know anything about them. So I continued on with it until recently when I realized how ridiculous I was. I was following someone else’s dream and allowing them to live vicariously through me.

Part of the problem was that I didn’t know how to be defiant. I was always the good teenager in high school and there was no rebellion. Well, there was but it was all internal. I didn’t know how to do anything without the approval or support of the people around me. My aunt says that I know what I want, but a lot of times I just need someone to voice their approval. So for me to discover someone (of Asian descent) who did not follow the obedient Asian child role and made his own way without the support and approval of his parents and family was astonishing to me. He stood on his own two feet with dedication, courage, passion, and pride. His belief in himself was strong enough to push him forward and make him work harder. That, my friends, is how it should be. That is true strength and true courage.

One of my favorite quotes is from E.E. Cummings. I first heard it on One Tree Hill and have forever become attached to it.

"To be nobody but yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

And that is something I feel he can attest to…but he has won the battle.

With all of that, I finally realized and believed that there was more to life than the cookie cutter mold my parents had laid out for me. So what if it’s not going to make me a millionaire and so what if I don’t get to live the lavish life that’s been dangled in my face over and over again? What if for once I made a decision that made me happy? What if I made a decision that was for me rather than for the people around me? The idea rather frightens me. It seems that all I know is to aim for that lavish lifestyle. Could I really let go of everything that’s been hammered in my head and really go for it? Can I take a risk? The idea is scary. I suppose it would be for a lot of people. The real question is how much courage (and not the liquid kind) I have in me. Can I do it too? Vivian has never been incredibly brave or strong willed. The idea of failure cripples me to the point where the cookie cutter mold was what I accepted because it was safe and it was practical. Even if it wasn’t what made me happy, it was what I accepted.

I do believe it’s time for me to leave the playpen.

So while Ryan follows his dreams and allows his heart to guide him, I finally take a look over the fence. And with that, Ryan has inspired and benefited me more than some people I have known my entire life.

How has Ryan made an impact on your life and your goals (if any)?

This question and this answer goes hand in hand with the previous entry.

Pick one or more of Ryan’s accomplishments whether it be music or dance and explain what they mean to you or how they have affected your personal life.

This prompt I cannot expand too much on because there’s not too much to be said. Essentially his dancing was what brought him into my life. His dancing was the title of the book that led me to read the summary which in turn led to a trip to the bookstore where a cover drew me in more. When I finally cracked the book open, I discovered more than I expected. I suppose the easiest way to say it would be this way.

Ryan wrote the following:

"You are in my dancing . You are in my music .
You are a source of my encouragement, and a valuable piece of my happiness .
You are officially a part of my life .

You are the names I don't know, and the people I will never meet .
But you are also the friends I will remember forever .

Even once you have forgotten me, my story will bear testament to your presence in my life ."

He doesn’t realize how much of an inspiration he really is. By telling his story he has changed part of mine.

He is in the words on this page.
He is a source of inspiration in my life.
He is one of my few role models, a title rightfully earned.

He has inspired this piece of writing that exposes more of me than many people know. He was the source of a revelation that has taken me an immense amount of courage to believe. He is a source of that belief and that courage.

Just as he says his fans are officially part of his life, he is officially part of mine. Simple and plain.

Given the chance to meet Ryan [again] what would say to him?

I would only hope and pray that I would have the courage to tell him all of this, because he deserves to know.

And that is that. I think. <3

奇怪女兒

On April 27, 2009, I attended the East West Players Visionary Awards, an annual fundraiser for the East West Players. This was my second Visionary Awards and I was not disappointed. But before we get into that, a brief history about East West Players and my history with them.

The East West Players is essentially an Asian American theater group based here in Los Angeles, CA. They were established in 1965 as a place where people of Asian descent could perform, unrestricted by the roles Hollywood placed on them. 44 years later, the East West Players is going strong and producing many notable "alumni" such as Daniel Dae Kim, John Cho, Pat Morita, and B.D. Wong.

My first play with the East West Players was "M. Butterfly" years ago with my cousin Jeffrey. To be honest, I was in high school and more curious than anything. That and I wanted to spend time with my aunt and uncle. So when they asked if I wanted a subscription for the next season, I said yes. And this went on for years. I'm not even sure how many seasons I've been to...maybe four? Anyway, I have seen some amazing productions from the East West Players and some I didn't like so much. Many of the plays that are produced are about Asian Americans, but some shows such as "Be Like Water" deliver some pretty profound messages. My favorite musical production by the East West Players was "Pippin", but we'll get into that another time. Favorite play was probably "Proof" or "Durango".

Each year, the East West Players holds a fundraiser called the Visionary Awards. During the Visionary Awards there is a silent auction, dinner, and of course the awards. The following regarding the Visionary Awards was taken from the East West Players' website:

"The East West Players Anniversary Visionary Awards Dinner is an award-winning event that salutes artists who have raised the visibility of the Asian Pacific American community through theater, film and television. Proceeds from the evening will benefit East West Players educational and artistic programs."



Throughout the years, I have never kept up with the dancing world much. In fact, I don't keep up with much (classes included). The East West Players, however, had a different idea in mind. Starting last year, they began to present their "Breakout Performance" award. Last year, during their 42nd Visionary Awards, they presented it for the first time to the Jabbawockeez. At the time, I was completely taken with them. Not really obsessed or fangirl, but I was impressed. This year, they presented it to Quest Crew. Two out of three seasons, crews with members of Asian descent have won when America got to vote. This season, season three, a group that comprised of members that are all of Asian descent won. What’s it to me? Well, let’s take a look at my thinking for a brief ADHD moment.

The world isn’t ready for Asian Americans to make a strong presence, at least not yet. That’s always been my opinion. Slowly but surely we’re getting there. The odds always seem to be stacked against us when America gets to vote. The minority tends to go poof. It’s sad, but you all know it’s true. At the end of the day we grow to accept it and then in comes this group of guys, the first dance crew to win ABDC that has members that are all of Asian descent. They come in and they not only put on a good show, but they win. Well that changes my perspective on some things.

I was completely taken by Quest Crew. And kind of fangirly too.

I have never been taken with dancing much. Music and singing? Totally. Dancing? Well, that's new. I can talk forever about American Idol, Jay Chou, and the like! America's Best Dance Crew? Not a clue. I had to Google what "BBoy" meant and search Wikipedia for more clarification. For some odd reason or another, I continue to follow and learn about dancing so I can keep up with these young men. Despite the fact that I could easily get over Jabbawockeez (though it was fun to brag about seeing them for a while) and brush it off, this thing for Quest Crew lingers on.

So what's drawing me and millions of others in? For some it's because "they're soooooooooo cute!", so says the teeny bopper that was sitting behind me at NBA Nation. For others it’s because they simply admire their dancing. But for me, I think I see something obvious. I see ordinary people with extraordinary talent, extraordinary passion, and extraordinary drive. The rest seems to fall into place. I know people say it all the time, but how many of them actually mean it? How many of them can go up to them and talk to them and not feel those butterflies that you feel when you’re talking to someone special? You know, that nervous feeling and those darn butterflies you get when you get to meet a celebrity? I know you all know what I’m talking about.

They actually remind me immensely of a Mr. James Huynh who I hold dear to my heart despite the fact that he’s deathly afraid of California and his beliefs about the superiority of the West Coast over the East Coast clash drastically with my own. He is a topic of another time, and a big topic he is. 

I have been fortunate enough to meet them on two different occasions. As a fan, I expected the full onslaught of butterflies. Those stupid butterflies hit me all the time! But when they came one by one and I actually got to talk to them briefly? Nothing. As comfortable as if they were my sorority sisters. Slight exaggeration. My aunt even said, “They’re so humble, if you met them outside you’d never guess they were famous”. They’re gracious, humble, grateful, and thankful. They’re good folks: Ordinary people with some extraordinary parts to them. Even after knowing all this, there’s still the question of “Why them?”

I get asked this question a lot actually. People like to question why I like things and often times I simply respond with my universal answer of, “I just do”. After all this reflective writing, I think I know what it is. They are what I want to be. Not as dancers or as professionals, but as people.

They have succeeded in areas in which I have failed.
They go against the odds to do what they love and settle for nothing less.
They do what they do with a passion and not just to get by.
They dedicate themselves to their craft willingly and let discouraging words fuel them more.

And I suppose that that’s that. To think this was all prompted by an “essay contest” in the Ryan Conferido Facebook group. Don’t know if I should enter. Maybe? We’ll conclude this for now. Sorry if my ADHD was too much for you, I couldn't get a straight thought out.

Relaaaaaaaaax...

So, I have always been a bit defensive about people I care about or celebrities that I adore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty objective and pretty unbiased. I can say “that’s fucked up” when it’s fucked up and I can say “STFU” as needed. So let’s move on from this paragraph and have a little fun. Keep in mind I have ADHD and it’s too late for me to take my meds, so if I bounce from topic to topic, sorry get over it.

Working for the bank for a little over three years, you learn some interesting things. The coworkers you have and the people you meet impart wisdom on you or they inspire wisdom in you. Either that or you just learn something. For example, I have learned that “so dark” can refer to so much more than color or how well lit a room is. I have also learned that customers are generally not the brightest light bulbs on the shelf. But enough of the silly things I have learned! Let’s get to the “wisdom”.

One of the greater “wisdoms” passed down to me from Great Master Li Yang is that there are customers (we’ll call them people in this entry) who don’t understand and there are people who won’t understand. So let’s take Master Yang’s words of wisdom and apply it to this current situation with Quest Crew (didn’t see that coming, huh?).

For those of you who don’t know, and my general reader(s) probably don’t, Quest Crew did not perform at their North Carolina show as planned. Something or another happened and it just didn’t happen. No one knows the details for sure at this point, and everyone’s guessing. Well, I don’t care (yet). What I do care about is all those nasty messages plaguing their “Questbook”.

Everyone needs to take a chill pill. Both sides.

And now, because I have ADHD and have lost my train of thought too many times to get it back (I think it left the station altogether), I’m going to get straight to the point. As of this moment, there has been no real news as to what happened at the show. I cannot defend them as much as I want to because I do not know the facts. I do, however, know what I believe. I believe that they are good people and that whatever happened in North Carolina was unintentional and stuff happens. I believe that as good people they did not mean to upset their fans or “flake” on a show that people paid money to see. But of course a character witness can only go so far. So even if my testimony isn’t as solid as a rock, I hope it counts for something.

Now, as for the prosecution (that’s all the people pointing fingers out there), their testimony isn’t any better. It might actually be worse than mine is. The only fact we know right now is that they didn’t perform as scheduled. To say that they have changed as people and that they don’t appreciate their fans is like trying to convict a person when mens rea hasn’t been taken into consideration. Where’s the argument to support the claim?

Back to my “wisdom” mentioned earlier. I mentioned this for all those people who are avidly trying to defend Quest Crew. There are people out there who don’t understand and that can be reasoned with. Then there are people who refuse to understand. Those people aren’t worth your time. Let it go. I could write pages and pages about this, but I’ll save it for another day.

But really, people need to stops sipping on their Haterade and get over it. And don’t tell me that they’re too tall because they bend over backwards a lot and enough to get over it! Take that last sentence as you will.

海邊

This could potentially be procrastination at its worst, but let's see where it takes me.

For some reason today when I was driving home, I began to think. It's not a long drive from Luppy's house, probably only about 20 minutes or so. That time, however, was enough for me to say a lot of things to myself. So here are some of the highlights of that conversation with myself.

I always worry that I'll never know what love is. I worry that I'll never be able to love someone so much that it's all encompassing and the other way around. Maybe, it's the fairy tale in me that's waiting for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet or maybe it's the fact that I can't remember loving or being loved so.

Everyday I question my relationship with my parents more and more. It's been almost a year since I've run away from my parents and taken up refuge here at my aunt's house. Not a day goes by that I wish I was back there despite whatever situation that may come up. In fact, I never have the urge to call them or anything. I don't miss them, but I feel bad for my dad because I know he misses me. I know that I care in some sense, but do I really love my parents? Have I ever loved my parents? The words "I love you" never came out of my mouth willingly before and I never said it first. I can say I love Laura, Allie, Jess, Luppy, Mel, Dez, and the list goes on, but I can't say that I love my parents, not even casually. I never could. When people talked about how much they revered their parents and how much they loved them and could never do them wrong, I couldn't relate. Then I think some more and wonder if I ever felt loved.

I always had the materialistic things. I had a new car, a new laptop, my own room that was twice the size of everyone else's, my tuition was paid for, and the like. But honestly, that's all I can remember. I don't remember much aside from the gifts and the money. Chris once said that I was more fond of the materialistic things, and maybe that's why. I was always showered with the materialistic things, so it was all I knew. But as I grew up and time went on, I know that I proved (to myself at least) that he was wrong. It's amazing how little you need to get by. Especially when you storm out of the house with your pillow, laptop, cell phone, school books, and nothing else and never looked back. I still like them of course, who wouldn't? But at the same time they're not what the ultimate search for is.

This isn't the first time this situation has come up. In fact, when I was about 17 I wondered about it too. I wondered if I had ever felt love and if I could ever love someone so much that I would always feel it. I know Mel, Luppy, Laura, Allie, Jess, my aunt, etc...all love me in their own way. It's impossible for me to not feel the care there. But I suppose I'm still on that search for more.

I still wonder, to this day, if I will ever love someone as much as I want to and if I'm even capable of it.

Having never felt that kind of love, is it possible for me to give it?

Is it possible for me to know?

Will I be able to love as much as I want to with as little regard as I want?

Am I really so fucked up now that I can't?

I'd like to think I'm moving forward with my life and not standing in place waiting for something to happen. I would like to think that I'm making progress with everything...but at the end of the day, I'm still the little girl with a foot on the dock and a foot in the boat. The little girl who tried so desperately to keep the boat and the dock together in one place, even at the risk of drowning.

But she's small and she can't. She can't keep her boat with the dock, but still she tried. She wished away the currents that were pulling her boat and dock apart, but nothing.

So what does she do? Does she go with the boat and let it take her away to unfamiliar places? Take her to places that can bring her true happiness or more pain. Or does she stay with the dock and watch as her precious lifeboat drifts away. Or does she keep trying and eventually drown?

Those were the option Dr. Muir gave me all those months ago. But today, as I was driving home, I realized that there was something new to this situation and this little girl.

Say the little girl had grown numb to the situation and the currents. What happens when the currents get stronger or change?

And then, what if she didn't care anymore? What if she was holding on to the boat and the dock to go through the motions? What happens when she stops caring but a decision still has to be made but she cannot decide because both options would destroy her in the end?

Maybe she'll let go and let the water have her. Let the water have her body and let the current take it where it will while her spirit stays by the dock. Seems to be the only way.

The little girl that never felt love and never loved would be lost in the water forever.

喝了太多

So, last night was interesting to say the least.

I got drunk.

MAJORLY.

I DROVE.

Holy effing crap. That's probably why being drunk wasn't as enjoyable last night for me. I knew I was being stupid and I knew that it'd kick my ass in 2 hours!

Last night's drink count wasn't all that impressive if I'm being completely honest.

3 Buttery Nipples
1 Kamikaze
1 Screwdriver (Thanks, Kenneth)
2 Pineapple and Vodka

So..........YEAH. Somewhere around ordering my first pineapple and Vodka and a buttery nipple all the alcohol just hit me HARD and FAST. I seriously went from nothing to something super duper fast. My pledge sister said it's because I drank a bunch of creeper drinks. All my shots were creepers apparently. I think the Vodka in my Pineapple and Vodka might have been cheap vodka instead of Belvedere...because we all know cheap vodka will get to you sooner than Goose does!

The interesting thing about being drunk last night was that it was the first time that I have acted so irresponsibly...I actually did NOT drunk dial like I usually did. I made a couple of "need help" phone calls and texts but really the only person I talked to on the phone was for the sake of comfort because I was feeling like crap for making Luppy shuffle me around when I should have known better and had better judgement. I know Luppy loves me and she's not mad at me and she didn't mind, it's just that I felt bad for acting so irresponsibly. Last night was just about having fun and it turned out to be pretty baddd...My drunken state couldn't take that worry out of my mind so there was no kid that came out to play last night after we left Lucky Strike.

And then there was staying with James. Honestly, I wouldn't have worried before Vegas, because to me James was cool guy (still is), but my worries aren't unfounded. At the same time though, I don't think anything would have happened, it was just a worry. I was such a drunk worry wart. The point was that I got home mostly sober but I know I wasn't completely sober because when I drank orange juice last night I wanted to throw up because my mind was still associating orange juice with alcohol. So yeah.

Never again.

姐姐在那裏？

So the pledges have been driving me insane but that's not what I'm blogging about.

One of our actives made mention that her lil sis said something that was rather hurtful to her. She is reluctant to stay to continue pledging and her big sis doesn't seem to matter enough to her for her to stay, but her pledge sisters do. Normally I'd say that it's a norm, but it's not something you would say to your big sis's face.

When this person told me this my response was obviously that it was rather effed up, but then it was only the second week and nothing is set in stone yet. Her bond with her lil sis will need to be built over time and it's not instantaneous. And of course there was a small bit of concern. All I can say to that is that I wrote the book on fucked up big/lil relationships.

I don't know if I have/had the worst, but sometimes it feels/felt like it. But everything happens for a reason though, right?

I remember one day I stopped and I looked back and I told Laura "I feel like I've grown in the sorority without her..." and she told me I did. And I remember I felt so sad that my big sis wasn't there to watch me grow and progress. I was so sad that she wasn't there when I crossed my lil sis and when I first became a big sis. She wasn't there to watch me take her place as the Philanthropy chair or to watch my lil sis take my place as the philanthropy chair. She wasn't there when I started to take initiative and speak up...

I think because I don't say anything anymore, a lot of people don't think much of it. But those people who were there with me when it happened know that it wasn't nothing. It was a big deal and still is in some senses.

I don't know why I'm posting this or what I'm trying to say...but yeah.