海邊

This could potentially be procrastination at its worst, but let's see where it takes me.

For some reason today when I was driving home, I began to think. It's not a long drive from Luppy's house, probably only about 20 minutes or so. That time, however, was enough for me to say a lot of things to myself. So here are some of the highlights of that conversation with myself.

I always worry that I'll never know what love is. I worry that I'll never be able to love someone so much that it's all encompassing and the other way around. Maybe, it's the fairy tale in me that's waiting for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet or maybe it's the fact that I can't remember loving or being loved so.

Everyday I question my relationship with my parents more and more. It's been almost a year since I've run away from my parents and taken up refuge here at my aunt's house. Not a day goes by that I wish I was back there despite whatever situation that may come up. In fact, I never have the urge to call them or anything. I don't miss them, but I feel bad for my dad because I know he misses me. I know that I care in some sense, but do I really love my parents? Have I ever loved my parents? The words "I love you" never came out of my mouth willingly before and I never said it first. I can say I love Laura, Allie, Jess, Luppy, Mel, Dez, and the list goes on, but I can't say that I love my parents, not even casually. I never could. When people talked about how much they revered their parents and how much they loved them and could never do them wrong, I couldn't relate. Then I think some more and wonder if I ever felt loved.

I always had the materialistic things. I had a new car, a new laptop, my own room that was twice the size of everyone else's, my tuition was paid for, and the like. But honestly, that's all I can remember. I don't remember much aside from the gifts and the money. Chris once said that I was more fond of the materialistic things, and maybe that's why. I was always showered with the materialistic things, so it was all I knew. But as I grew up and time went on, I know that I proved (to myself at least) that he was wrong. It's amazing how little you need to get by. Especially when you storm out of the house with your pillow, laptop, cell phone, school books, and nothing else and never looked back. I still like them of course, who wouldn't? But at the same time they're not what the ultimate search for is.

This isn't the first time this situation has come up. In fact, when I was about 17 I wondered about it too. I wondered if I had ever felt love and if I could ever love someone so much that I would always feel it. I know Mel, Luppy, Laura, Allie, Jess, my aunt, etc...all love me in their own way. It's impossible for me to not feel the care there. But I suppose I'm still on that search for more.

I still wonder, to this day, if I will ever love someone as much as I want to and if I'm even capable of it.

Having never felt that kind of love, is it possible for me to give it?

Is it possible for me to know?

Will I be able to love as much as I want to with as little regard as I want?

Am I really so fucked up now that I can't?

I'd like to think I'm moving forward with my life and not standing in place waiting for something to happen. I would like to think that I'm making progress with everything...but at the end of the day, I'm still the little girl with a foot on the dock and a foot in the boat. The little girl who tried so desperately to keep the boat and the dock together in one place, even at the risk of drowning.

But she's small and she can't. She can't keep her boat with the dock, but still she tried. She wished away the currents that were pulling her boat and dock apart, but nothing.

So what does she do? Does she go with the boat and let it take her away to unfamiliar places? Take her to places that can bring her true happiness or more pain. Or does she stay with the dock and watch as her precious lifeboat drifts away. Or does she keep trying and eventually drown?

Those were the option Dr. Muir gave me all those months ago. But today, as I was driving home, I realized that there was something new to this situation and this little girl.

Say the little girl had grown numb to the situation and the currents. What happens when the currents get stronger or change?

And then, what if she didn't care anymore? What if she was holding on to the boat and the dock to go through the motions? What happens when she stops caring but a decision still has to be made but she cannot decide because both options would destroy her in the end?

Maybe she'll let go and let the water have her. Let the water have her body and let the current take it where it will while her spirit stays by the dock. Seems to be the only way.

The little girl that never felt love and never loved would be lost in the water forever.