A decade later.

On this day, 10 years ago, I was sitting in Dr. Ye's Mandarin class, watching the news and trying to grasp what was going on.

Why was that building on fire? What in the world are they talking about? Why are so many people dying?

At 13 I still couldn't grasp the idea of terrorism or the notion that someone would do all of this on purpose. I thought "a plane crashed...that happens all the time". When realization dawned on me I think that was the first time I ever felt something for people I had never met or seen before.

People say there are events in which you'll always remember where you were when they happened. September 11 was the big one for me. I was just old enough to understand what was going on and, just like the rest of the nation, I have never forgotten. 10 years has passed since then and the memory never fades. The images of people jumping from buildings as the towers burned, the lives lost, the destruction, the tears...who forgets things like that?

Better yet, who does things like that?

Apparently people do and I think that was the first time I realized that there were people in the world who didn't like us.

This day always brings such sadness...as time goes on it doesn't get much better. As long as we remember I think this day will always be the same to us. It is honestly heartbreaking to see the faces of children who will never get to know their parents, spouses who have lost their significant other, parents who have lost their children...The destruction is devastating. Time heals all wounds I supposed, but the scar will always remain. Lame.

The events that occurred on September 11, 2001 rocked a nation to its core. The results can be seen everywhere around the world, not just here in the U.S. Everything changed that day...and all for what? I still don't get it. Wikipedia says because we support Israel and the sanctions on Iraq.

What the fuck ever. Nothing gives you the right to pull this kind of shit.

When Bin Laden was killed I was getting ready for bed when the news from CNN popped up on my iPad. I was shocked. I thought "could this be real?" and "could it finally be over?" Apparently it was real but it was far from over. At least some justice was served, 10 years later.

We will always remember. That's all there is to it.

Songs that describe the mood?

Leann Rimes - Please Remember
Jewel - Hands
Beyonce - I Was Here

On a much more positive note, September 11 has shown us that no matter what, they can't keep us down. The resilience of this nation has definitely shone through.

So take that Bin Laden. And burn in hell.

Perfection

I crave perfection. It was never a secret that I was a bit of a perfectionist. It is, however, something I've been meaning to let go of, at least a little.

I mean...I used to tear out my notebook page if I so much as crossed out a word. No white-out for me. You can see white-out.

It still drives me bat shit to see a crossed out work or my handwriting slightly imperfect. I'm still learning to live with it but at least I don't tear the pages out anymore.

Today I did something stupid. Without getting into specifics, I had a lapse in judgement and did something I should have done differently. I wrote in my journal and still had a need to write in here afterwards. So here I am, despite not posting all year long.

I realized that my mistake is such a big deal to me because the perception of my perfection has been broken. Someone saw my error and I felt judged for/by it. I can't let it go and I can't stop thinking about it. It's happened before and it will likely happen again. This time, however, as it has been lately, I took time to sit there and really think back and try to find where it all stemmed from.

My parents always told me I was smart and that I learned things quickly. This, for the most part is true. I was raised to believe that I was capable of getting perfect grades (and I may or may not be) and anything less than those perfect grades was not acceptable. AKA I was never acceptable. LOL

No, but really, I was never able to be perfect in that aspect, but I was able to be perfect in other aspects. And maybe I strive for perfection in all those other places to make up for those imperfect grades and I never gave it up. Grades and school were really all I knew as a kid. My parents' world pretty much focused on school.

I knew there were areas where I couldn't perfect myself so I put them aside on focused on other things.

My ADHD kicked in and derailed my train of thought so I'm going to conclude this without the verbose verbage.

I want to learn to let go.
I want to learn to accept my imperfections rather than mask them.
I want to really understand this need for perfection, not just my speculations.

Well, really all I want is to be perfect but since I know I can't have that I guess I'll have to work on those.

Graduation is upon me in a week and a half and I really don't know what I want to do with myself. I've had so much time to think it through but I still don't know and the frustration is starting to get me down.

It's like everybody went to school knowing or came out of school knowing what they wanted to do like it was so natural to them. Here I am, still lost and soon to be the holder of an undergraduate degree. Why can't it come as easily to me?

My aunt keeps telling me I'm afraid of failure and she's right, I am but that's not the reason that I'm not going out there and doing something. She keeps telling me that I need to stop looking back and start moving forward but she doesn't really understand my thought process. I don't really expect her to since my thought process seems to be oddly different from everyone else's.

I look back and I dwell a little bit because I keep trying to figure out what went wrong and I keep thinking that if I figure it out, maybe I can fix it. There are so many things that my mother did to screw me up or over and I'm trying to decipher all of them so I don't repeat those mistakes and I want to understand what made me the person I am today. So I keep looking back and I keep trying to figure it out and hopefully in the process figure out why for the life of me I can't make a damn decision. I'm trying to figure out what I used to love and I keep drawing a blank.

The frustration is finally stating to take a toll on me though.

I think I also have a lot of these preconceived notions of where I'm supposed to be in my life at this age and I'm not there. I'm kind of disappointed in myself. Actually I'm really disappointed with myself. I thought I'd graduate and I'd find a niche for myself and I'm not finding it.

What to do what to do what to do...