還有問題

I have to admit that I have this inkling something against Sammi. I really don't want to. Honestly, I don't.

The truth is that I actually think Sammi is great and she's great to be around. She's a sister and everything to me. The problem is just that, no matter how hard I try, I always feel this bit of bitterness towards her. But this is something that we have to go into the past to understand.

When Gina needed some time to fix herself, Jess made a mistake in not giving her the attention that she needed at the time. It crashed and went to hell from there. Then at pizza night, things blew out of proportion. Now, let's not get into too much detail here. I'm not here to explain how things happened between them.

At the time, I thoroughly blamed Jess for everything. It didn't help that there was so much drama going on and I hated how things were going. Things weren't great and then Jess picked up another lil sis. That was Sammi. I loved Sammi from Day 1, in fact I would have wanted her for a lil sis as well. I love my lil sis of course. However, just the fact that she was "Jess's other lil sis" gave me this little bitterness. I thought about being harsh on her, but I wanted to have her as a sister. I felt like she had everything that Gina should have had and my perfect family was being split in a different direction. It didn't help that she had the attention of my pledge mom and my great grand big. It was like, my balance was thrown off by this addition of another line. I hated it. And I wanted so badly for her to drop.

I always thought I had gotten over it. Turns out I had just gotten used to it. Because when Sammi got the lil sis that I wanted for a grand lil, I felt that bitterness rise up again.

I have long gotten past the Jess and Gina thing. In fact, I've had a paradigm shift. I don't see it the way I did last year. I don't blame Jess for it. I just wish I could fix things.

And I wish I could get over this bitterness. I'm a horrible person, but I don't want to be.