偷偷跑掉

So my laptop is down for the count. At least for now. It's having problems charging and it just gets worst and worst. So tomorrow it's going in to get fixed. In the meanwhile I'm stealing my brother's laptop. Let me tell you, he is NOT a happy camper.

I'll tell you now that this is going to be epic.

So lately I've been feeling kind of heated. I've never had much of an opinion on most things and I'm just the one that agrees with the crowd. However, these days I feel like I'm being pushed more and more to the extreme. Lately everything that the active class does bothers me so much that I'm left ranting and raving about it til forever.

The thing that bugs me the most though, is my own pledge sister. Harsh to say, but my own pledge sister is one of things that I want to escape.

Actually, I just had a sudden urge to escape. A sudden urge to hop on a plane and go to Hong Kong and never come back. I'll get more into that later. Back to the original topic at hand.

One of my pledge sisters has been ridiculously difficult these last few months. The more that I think about it the more that it upsets me. Tau class used to be the standard. We used to be the ones that people would say "I hope they turn out like Tau". Unfortunately, I can't even say that now. We've taken a turn for the worst and not even I am free from persecution. I'm a victim of my own bitterness.

When Gina turned inactive, Carol DAed, Desiree turn inactive, and Jess was no longer like a pledge mom to us, it was just me and Mel. During the whole year of drama and stuff, there was me and Mel. And Desiree at times as well. It was us against the world. Or at least that's what I used to say. The first summer of our active career was extremely difficult. It was hard on both of us. Our pledge mom was busy with Upsilon and being president. The stress got to her and to tell you the truth, we all felt the brunt of it. All the actives felt the drama and stress of that year. I don't want to say that my pain and drama was worst than anyone else's, but it was quite a lot.

Gina was feuding with Jess and somehow I knew that inadvertently, I had done something wrong to upset Jess. And it showed because she acted out on those feelings. I was wrong not to delete those messages. And yes, she had every right to be upset. But where did my loyalties go? Did it go to my big sis or to my pledge mom? So I left it as it was.

Carol was gone, Desiree was gone, my big sis was gone, and my pledge mom was totally not into being my mom at the time. On top of that, my family line was split in two. But still, I had Mel. The last standing tots. That summer we stressed together and we wanted to DA together. But in the end we decided to suck it up and wait the year out. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger, right?

So we waited it out. In around March and April I felt like Mel's gut instinct was the benefit the sorority. No matter how wrong she was, she wanted the best for the sorority. However, she's is rather narrow minded. Once she has her opinion on something, regardless of how blindly guided or ill conceived or unreasonable, that's it. She's done thinking about it. So around March and April my big sis's letter was due. As everyone probably knows, it never came. And Mel would talk about how she wouldn't give my big sis the vote to come back. Right in front of me. Saying it to me. And she didn't know jackshit about the situation. Never bothered to ask either.

So my big sis DAed. And from that moment on, I felt this extreme isolation in the sorority. And a lot of the time I still do. Even though so many people tried to console me, no one really understood. I didn't understand it myself for so long. Sometimes I still wonder. There's a lot of "what ifs" hanging around in the air. My world fell apart from there on.

All the actives have a big sis that they can turn to. Or at the very least, they have a pledge sister at their side. For the longest time, it was no longer "us against the world". It was just me. Mel was saying "it's okay" for a bit. She was no more "there for me" than any of the other actives (except for Allie and Jess).

When Gina tore me to pieces on June 9th, where was she?

And now here we are. While we're not estranged, we might as well be. She's becoming the exact person that I would never ever ever ever want my lil sis to be. She's so concerned with the social aspect of sorority life that she's forgotten what sisterhood is. Or perhaps, she's just forgotten what it's like to be a tot. I don't even know how to describe it. The only way I've been able to describe it is not the nicest way in the world.

She is essentially my pledge sister at her convenience. She's a Rho all the other days. And Mimi was right. She's into partying. I'm not. But it hurts to know that just because I can't go party with her that she'd leave me in the dust for someone else. And I still can't get over what she told me this summer. I cannot believe that she said that.

Yes, the flat tire story. I asked her to come and get me and she asked me to call someone else.

And that was when I realized the truth of the situation. She was a 10 - 15 minute walk from me and she brushed me off. I called other people who offered to come from as far as 1.5 hours away. How can I call her "sis" after that? Easy, I don't.

When I asked for Associate status I knew it was going to be a tough one to get. There were a couple votes that I knew I could count on. Allie, Aileen, and Anita. Where's Mel? Not on that list.

When I didn't get it, my heart hardened.

It's amazing how everything can turn around. I was always the nicest active in the world. I couldn't be strict if my life depended on it. But I feel this bitterness arising in me that is just consuming. And I want to do something totally not characteristic of me. Someone stop me before I do something stupid. I have never (really) wished something ill upon another person. I have never wanted someone to feel the pain that I feel.

But I want to make it hurt. And right now the only way to do it is through two pledges. As wrong as it is, I want it. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it.

The count now is a little different. Carol is gone, Desiree is gone, Gina is gone, Mel is no longer truly present in my life. But I have Laura, Allie, and Jess. And my newfound Mimi. Love them to death for all that they've helped me with. They have most definitely been my support through the toughest times.

So now here I am again. Sitting around feeling a need to run away to Hong Kong and never come back. Sit on a packed Subway by myself and get off at Tsim Sha Tsui and walk over to Kowloon Bay and just sit. Take some time off and relax. Then walk back and head for Mongkok to walk down the Goldfish Market. And finally get back on the subway and head for Causeway Bay. Have a seat by Times Square and have some Gelato.

I'm always surrounded by people that smother me. More like my parents and my grandparents. I just need to get away. Away from Los Angeles. Away from California. I need that freedom that I had back in Hong Kong. Not even at my aunt's house did I feel that kind of freedom. Take the subway wherever I needed to go. Take the bus and the trolley every now and then. Run down to Causeway Bay to go shopping and get dinner. Walk back to Happy Valley. Stop at XTC Gelato and get some hot chocolate gelato. It was hot as hell, but it was great. Just wanna go away. Just wanna get away.

If I could, I would take a year off from school and get the hell away from here. And I'd head back to HK in a heartbeat.

For now this concludes my epic post. Who knows when I'll have something else to say again?