我找不到

I'm not sure if I ever posted this up or made mention of it but I'm too lazy to go through my old posts to see if I did or not.

So I went out with Ray some time ago. I think it might have been roughly one month ago. We were just hanging out and going to random places, and he says that I've calmed down a lot. And I say "nuh uh". I say something about being tired and the Adderall and something of the sort. But the truth is, even without the Adderall, I don't seem to have a bounce in my step anymore.

So it brings me to my point, when did I lose that bounce in my step? Allie says that I'm normal now, which is fine. But I want to know when I lost that child in me.

No one seems to remember, and I can't remember either. Somehow, I don't think it was something that just came on its own. I think there was something out there that influenced this. It could be the Adderall. It could be that I just grew up. Or, it could be that situation back in May and June that broke me to pieces. Where did it go? Can I get it back? This sense of normality is kinda worrying to me. Before I used to be bubbling over with energy. Now I feel kinda dead. Tired all the time as well. So what gives?

If only I could remember when was the last time I bounced off a wall. My lil sis can't even remember if I was like that for her pledgeship. I'm not miserable without that hyperness, but I feel like I've lost something. Something that made me who I am.

Maybe that's what I should bring up to Dr. Muir later on today. I'm supposed to meet with him in about 40 minutes anyway. Did Ms. Trix-R-4-Kidz really turn into something else?

Seems like it.

I miss the child in me. The one thing that kept me sane through all these years. The one facade I could always count on.