勇氣

I’m not sure why, but I’m waiting for midnight to pass before I post this.

Every week I go to CAPS and meet with my psychologist. We talk about everything, from ADHD to emotional concerns. And somehow, I feel like I’m a lost cause. But more about that next time I go to CAPS. Truth is, I think I need a break from it. So I’m going to step away from it until next quarter. There was one particular session that I had that I feel like I should talk about though.

I finally got myself to talk to Dr. Muir about Gina.

During that session, I explained the entire situation from my point of view and what I know of Gina’s point of view. We went into great detail about my reaction to it and my actions. It was only then when I said it to him did I realize by myself how familiar the situation was. Two people that I loved dearly were feuding and all I wanted was for it to stop. For everything to soothe over and be better again. I felt torn in between the two. Where did my loyalties go?

It was then that it dawned on me that during the time Gina and Jess were feuding, my parents’ divorce heated up. I was caught in two different fires. But they still burned.

Dr. Muir told me to imagine a little girl on a boat dock. One foot in the boat, the other one is still on the dock. Of course the boat wants to leave the dock and go with the current, but the little girl is still one foot in the boat, one foot on the dock trying to hold them together. But she’s small, and eventually all that will happen is that she stays on the boat, stays on the dock, or drowns. But no matter which option she chooses, the boat or the dock, she always wants to be able to reach out and grab the other. And it’s an unfortunate battle.

He told me that most children who are in a family with conflicting parents often feel they need to keep the family together. That they wouldn’t survive without both of the parents. So while it’s “keep the family together” it’s more of a survival response. That why we try so hard to keep our parents together. We feel that it’s our duty to do that. But deep down inside, we know that it really isn’t.

I told him about a dream that I used to have often, it was a dream that I was never sure was real or not. My parents had me by the arm, one each, and they were pulling and tugging and I’m just crying. He said that whether that particular situation physically happened or not, it happened. It was what I felt, and it happened.

All of what he said hit me hard. But then he said “It’s unfortunate that these two situations happened at the same time, because you could’ve learned from one situation, and who knows how that could’ve changed the outcome of the second.”

The biggest what if is “What if I had picked up the phone” that one day she called.

I’m in control of this situation too, he said. I could put a stop to it. Our entire relationship is not based solely on Gina. I can say stop. Yes, I could. But what if while I’m unavailable to her, she decides she wants to talk. Is it worth risking?

Of course a few days later my horoscope said that I needed to cut someone out of my life because they were doing me no good.

Everything he said was right. It was right on the dot. And it only made me cry harder. It made my chest hurt like my heart was breaking. The truth was revealed. The words finally left me.

And today everything came rushing back to me for some reason. Happens often, I suppose.

I feel like Dr. Muir has given up on me. And that hurts the most. I used to look forward to our weekly meetings. I’m lost now. I feel like, his level of commitment to my case has dropped because I haven’t been responding to therapy. I feel like a lost cause. I thought I knew everything there was to know about myself and emotions and feelings. I’m learning more every time. But right now I feel like a little fish in the open sea. No sense of direction and nothing to steer me in the right direction.

Run away again. Run away where no one can reach me. Run away to a place where my heart can mend and I can find myself.