真相大白

So today on my way home from meeting I was utterly sad. It was brought on rather randomly actually.

I have this fear of failure that stops me from doing anything that may involve a "risk". Outside of being a science major (which isn't going so well), the biggest risk I've ever taken was to rush for a sorority and run for Pledge Mom. The second which is the cause of my drama tonight.

I ran for pledge mom in the Spring and didn't get the position. For some reason or another, the pledge mom stepped down from her position and a window of opportunity is once again presented to me. Every time I get the nerve to read my speech, something stands in my way. Now, I'm finally ready and another obstacle stands before me. They open elections up to associates and alumni. I suppose it's reasonable, but one this is for sure. Vivian has never been incredible strong willed and Vivian has never been known to step up to a challenge. So I'm left here with this incredibly trying situation that has me stressing yet again.

So back to being a science major. I have never been once to stay down when I fall. I get up and try again for the most part. Failures are a part of life and I accept that. But when is it time to give up? Everytime I fail and I fall, I lose a bit more hope. And I'm really starting to give up. I've pretty much lost all faith in myself these last two quarters and it has been an extremely trying two quarters. What if what I dream isn't what I was meant to be? Is there a meant to be? There's only one person out there who reads this, so I'm asking you. Is there? Is there hope for me? You know me as well as I do and tell me the truth now, is there any chance at saving me?

My biggest fear was never something quite tangible. My biggest fear is disappointing others. People have put their faith in me and told me that I could do it. And it would tear me to bits to see them let down. And all I'm doing is telling lies and disappointing myself.

So tell me what to do. Tell me how to save myself. To stop disappointing myself and the world around me. To finally step up to the plate. To stop falling behind.

I've scraped my knees and cried and got up and played again. But I feel like this time I've shattered my legs and I'll never walk again.