可能是童話嗎？

A decade later.

2011-09-11T18:04:00.001-07:00

On this day, 10 years ago, I was sitting in Dr. Ye's Mandarin class, watching the news and trying to grasp what was going on.

Why was that building on fire? What in the world are they talking about? Why are so many people dying?

At 13 I still couldn't grasp the idea of terrorism or the notion that someone would do all of this on purpose. I thought "a plane crashed...that happens all the time". When realization dawned on me I think that was the first time I ever felt something for people I had never met or seen before.

People say there are events in which you'll always remember where you were when they happened. September 11 was the big one for me. I was just old enough to understand what was going on and, just like the rest of the nation, I have never forgotten. 10 years has passed since then and the memory never fades. The images of people jumping from buildings as the towers burned, the lives lost, the destruction, the tears...who forgets things like that?

Better yet, who does things like that?

Apparently people do and I think that was the first time I realized that there were people in the world who didn't like us.

This day always brings such sadness...as time goes on it doesn't get much better. As long as we remember I think this day will always be the same to us. It is honestly heartbreaking to see the faces of children who will never get to know their parents, spouses who have lost their significant other, parents who have lost their children...The destruction is devastating. Time heals all wounds I supposed, but the scar will always remain. Lame.

The events that occurred on September 11, 2001 rocked a nation to its core. The results can be seen everywhere around the world, not just here in the U.S. Everything changed that day...and all for what? I still don't get it. Wikipedia says because we support Israel and the sanctions on Iraq.

What the fuck ever. Nothing gives you the right to pull this kind of shit.

When Bin Laden was killed I was getting ready for bed when the news from CNN popped up on my iPad. I was shocked. I thought "could this be real?" and "could it finally be over?" Apparently it was real but it was far from over. At least some justice was served, 10 years later.

We will always remember. That's all there is to it.

Songs that describe the mood?

Leann Rimes - Please Remember
Jewel - Hands
Beyonce - I Was Here

On a much more positive note, September 11 has shown us that no matter what, they can't keep us down. The resilience of this nation has definitely shone through.

So take that Bin Laden. And burn in hell.

Perfection

2011-06-16T22:58:00.001-07:00

I crave perfection. It was never a secret that I was a bit of a perfectionist. It is, however, something I've been meaning to let go of, at least a little.

I mean...I used to tear out my notebook page if I so much as crossed out a word. No white-out for me. You can see white-out.

It still drives me bat shit to see a crossed out work or my handwriting slightly imperfect. I'm still learning to live with it but at least I don't tear the pages out anymore.

Today I did something stupid. Without getting into specifics, I had a lapse in judgement and did something I should have done differently. I wrote in my journal and still had a need to write in here afterwards. So here I am, despite not posting all year long.

I realized that my mistake is such a big deal to me because the perception of my perfection has been broken. Someone saw my error and I felt judged for/by it. I can't let it go and I can't stop thinking about it. It's happened before and it will likely happen again. This time, however, as it has been lately, I took time to sit there and really think back and try to find where it all stemmed from.

My parents always told me I was smart and that I learned things quickly. This, for the most part is true. I was raised to believe that I was capable of getting perfect grades (and I may or may not be) and anything less than those perfect grades was not acceptable. AKA I was never acceptable. LOL

No, but really, I was never able to be perfect in that aspect, but I was able to be perfect in other aspects. And maybe I strive for perfection in all those other places to make up for those imperfect grades and I never gave it up. Grades and school were really all I knew as a kid. My parents' world pretty much focused on school.

I knew there were areas where I couldn't perfect myself so I put them aside on focused on other things.

My ADHD kicked in and derailed my train of thought so I'm going to conclude this without the verbose verbage.

I want to learn to let go.
I want to learn to accept my imperfections rather than mask them.
I want to really understand this need for perfection, not just my speculations.

Well, really all I want is to be perfect but since I know I can't have that I guess I'll have to work on those.

2010-12-01T22:39:00.000-08:00

Graduation is upon me in a week and a half and I really don't know what I want to do with myself. I've had so much time to think it through but I still don't know and the frustration is starting to get me down.

It's like everybody went to school knowing or came out of school knowing what they wanted to do like it was so natural to them. Here I am, still lost and soon to be the holder of an undergraduate degree. Why can't it come as easily to me?

My aunt keeps telling me I'm afraid of failure and she's right, I am but that's not the reason that I'm not going out there and doing something. She keeps telling me that I need to stop looking back and start moving forward but she doesn't really understand my thought process. I don't really expect her to since my thought process seems to be oddly different from everyone else's.

I look back and I dwell a little bit because I keep trying to figure out what went wrong and I keep thinking that if I figure it out, maybe I can fix it. There are so many things that my mother did to screw me up or over and I'm trying to decipher all of them so I don't repeat those mistakes and I want to understand what made me the person I am today. So I keep looking back and I keep trying to figure it out and hopefully in the process figure out why for the life of me I can't make a damn decision. I'm trying to figure out what I used to love and I keep drawing a blank.

The frustration is finally stating to take a toll on me though.

I think I also have a lot of these preconceived notions of where I'm supposed to be in my life at this age and I'm not there. I'm kind of disappointed in myself. Actually I'm really disappointed with myself. I thought I'd graduate and I'd find a niche for myself and I'm not finding it.

What to do what to do what to do...

2010-09-26T00:14:00.001-07:00

I had an interesting conversation with my aunt tonight.

We talked about parenting and reasons behind the problems that I have and the problems my brother is likely to face.

Essentially the way she parents, and may of my friends' parents parent, is by setting their child up for success and allowing them to grow-up and do things themselves. They are given a chance to explore and learn about themselves and really just get out there and take advantage of their life and the way they want to live it. When they leave home it's with the expectation that they will return home to visit and the obligations that their parents put on them is minimal. It is assumed that the bonds built between parent and child is strong enough to withstand not living within the same four walls. These parents want nothing but the best for their child and don't hold them back. Eventually they'll need care but their children are not raised for the purpose of their care. They love and love and expect nothing back.

That's how Cayden and Conway will be. In fact that's the way a lot of kids are these days.

---

Motivation is something that you can't really be taught. They say I lack motivation and drive. They're right.

They also say I have issues motivating myself because I was raised to take care of my parents, never to explore the world out there. I was raised to be confined to my parents' house when I was told the sky's the limit.

One step at a time. The four walls are gone.

Oh money money money...you can only buy so much and you can only fix so much. All the toys and gadgets in the world couldn't solve this problem now.

2010-02-16T07:46:00.001-08:00

Why do I feel like it's time to move onto a new blog? This one has been active for almost 3 years now. WOW.

The Fact of the Matter is...

2010-02-14T20:57:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't be able to stand living with roommates for very long.
I don't respond well to threats or guilt trips.
I'm too independent for my own good.

So, with my uncle threatening to shut off the wireless if I don't move my stuff off my Vaio to the wireless hard drive so my aunt can have the Vaio, my response is as it always is when threatened. Do it.

Telling my aunt to cut off the wireless, charge me rent, kick me out of my room, etc, etc, etc...is not going to work. It's going to ruffle my feathers and cause me to get on the offensive. You want it? Ask me nicely, give me a good reason why you need it on a certain date and why my Facebook-ing and leisure time needs to be disrupted for it, and I'll do it.

Yes, I should just do it because it's my aunt and I probably would have done it this weekend. But now I'm pissed and I'm a stubborn bitch. I'll probably do it and not give her the laptop for a while just to be spiteful.

For the cousin who may or not be reading this will be thinking "you owe them blah blah blah blah". I feel what I feel and I get angry when I get angry. It's ingrained in my personality, not gonna change. This is why I never got along with my mother. Her way of getting me to do things was to take things away and threaten and guilt trip. I, in turn, flip up my virtual middle finger and think of vengeful and spiteful ways to get back at you without getting caught.

2010-02-09T06:11:00.001-08:00

Dear Viv,

What are you going to do with yourself?

Because of You

2010-01-25T23:45:00.000-08:00

An oldie but a goody:

Kelly Clarkson - Because of You

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

The problem is...

2010-01-01T13:20:00.000-08:00

I get so easily frustrated sometimes. The problem seems to always be the same thing: my own space and my stuff.

I've always had my own room so I'm not used to sharing space to begin with. But despite having my own room, I've never really had my own space. That space where no one comes in and touches anything and a place that I can call my own. My space was always being invaded by parents and little brothers. Annoying. My stuff is also the same thing. It didn't matter that it was mine or that I bought it, it always became communal property. I hate it. I hate people touching my stuff and I hate people going into my room and moving my stuff around and fucking with my stuff.

So staying in my aunt's living room for the last year and a half was VERY difficult on my temper and my patience. Grateful for a place to stay and all, but I can't help the way I feel about these things. Woken up every morning by 7AM or earlier by little kiddos jumping on me. Okay, I can handle that. They're cute anyway. TV on so the kids can watch their morning shows, I can do that too. It's when the aunt and uncle come into the living room and turn on all the lights and shit and open all the windows that I get frustrated. Especially since I don't get much sleep to begin with. Petty, I know.

My stuff is another thing. I had no where to put my stuff. Like...no where. I have a small closet in the hall that isn't even a closet. I can hang like 5 sweaters in there and that's it. That's where I have to put my stuff. I've always had a lot of stuff. But things like my laptop and shit do not go in a closet, so where do I put them? Anywhere I pray no one will touch. And if you know anything about me and my laptops, you know never to touch my laptop. I will fucking kill you if you touch my laptop without permission. Double death if you use it without permission. Either way, no space and nothing at all. It's almost like living on the street (luxuriously I suppose). You can sleep at night, but you get up on someone else's accord.

Of course I don't complain out loud. Just in my head.

So, I finally have my own room and I'm sharing a closet again. Similar to what I had at my mother's but not as bad. So, I've got space and ish now and I'm a happier person for it. The grandparents are coming to town so I move my stuff out of the way so they can stay in my room. I come back and find my side desk has moved a long with the stuff on it and my clock radio is unplugged and my shit has been shoved into my closet left and right. Needless to say, I get pissed.

So now everyone's gone and I'm left to clean up the mess that is left in my room. The floors and ridiculously dusty and my closet is a mess. My shelves are hazardous and there's a random pair of socks in my room. I'm doing it because I want my room back. I want a lock on the door too but that's a whole other ball game.

SIGH.

A toast to new beginnings.

2010-01-01T00:07:00.000-08:00

I read on Jolene's Facebook status this quote: May the best moments of 2009 be the worst moments of 2010.

Everywhere I look, I notice people's joy that 2009 is over and 2010 is here and everyone keeps mentioning how difficult 2009 was for them. I finally understood the line "it's so hard to believe we're staring at the end when all we think about is starting up again." 2009 was not good to so many people.

But as many have wished, 2009 has left us and 2010 is here. Welcome 2010, please be good to us.

I promise I'll post something worth reading at a later time.

It is what it is?

2009-11-02T15:05:00.000-08:00

On September 9, 2009, my grandfather was attacked at Lashbrook Park. According to my uncle, I "lit a fire under the policemen's asses" and that's what it took to get them to do something. As they seemed to be doing their job, I let the rest of it go. It has been nearly 2 months and I have not heard about the other three attackers being caught, arrested, or any leads.

Last week I received a phone call from my aunt about another elderly Asian man that was beaten up at the same location. What's it going to take for there to be a change?

I feel like I should lay low and wait it out, see if anything happens. Another part of me is screaming for me to go out there and do something. I'm tired of the Asian community keeping their mouths shut and not doing anything about it. I'm tired of the police in El Monte disregarding things like this and filing it away. I'm tired of justice not being served.

I want to see change. I just don't know how.

There's the song from John Mayer - Waiting on the World to Change. The timing of everything makes me feel like it's time for me to do something. But what?

It's not that we don't care, we just know that the fight ain't fair.

Shoes

2009-10-23T14:47:00.000-07:00

Every girl needs a pair of...

Rainbows
Old Navy Flip Flops
Casual sandals
Mid-calf boots with a flat sole
Mid-calf boots with a heel
Ankle boots with a heel
Flats
Sneakers
Colorful Nikes/Pumas
Peep-toe heels
Pointy-toed heels
Wedges
Stripper heels
Metallic heels
Gladiator flats
Gladiator heels

Just trust me on this. <3

2009-10-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

So I really don't know what brought this on, but today I realized that my pledge sisters are irreplaceable. It doesn't matter how much I talk to one other person or what not, at the end of the day I still go back to them.

It doesn't matter how much hurt in the past they have dealt me, I love them.

I miss them.

I miss her. :/

難

2009-10-08T13:35:00.001-07:00

I see your face in my mind as I drive away.

None of us thought it was gonna end that way.

And it's killing me to see you go after all this time.

Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie.

It's the kind of ending you don't really wanna see.

Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down.

And we know it's never simple, never easy.

Never a clean break, no one here to save me.

Never wanted this, never wanted to see you hurt.

Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.

People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out.

Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

Hope you know it's not easy, not easy for me.

And we know it's never simple, never easy, never a clean break...

shu shu berry

2009-09-12T12:32:00.000-07:00

This morning at 5:30AM I woke up in tears. I don't understand my dream in the least.

It looked like it was another day when I asked my aunt if everything was taken care of. They said the headstone and everything was taken care of a plot was ready for me. I walked out with a smile and headed to Rose Hills. They showed me my plot and there I saw my name large across what looked like a piece of metal. My name was scrawled across the top in a font that I didn't like and I didn't stop the read the rest. The headstone was about 3 feet tall and it was embedded into a hill so it looked like it stood.

I stopped to talk to my aunt and uncle a bit. Apparently I was choosing death. I was choosing to be put to death despite being perfectly healthy. In the dream, I had made this decision and I was ready to go through with it but I had told no one but my aunt and my uncle. I was content and I was ready even if I was a little scared. So I called Monica up and told her and she said she'd get back to me after she was done e-mailing some people. I took a walk with my uncle and asked him what he thought the other side was like. He said he wasn't sure but he believed in angels and judgment. My uncle took me to my baby Conway and he was there in some underground area that was almost like an underwater viewing area in an aquarium and he was standing there dressed in red. I remember I grabbed him and I said goodbye and I hugged him and didn't want to let go and I cried for the first time. My aunt brought my mother down and I said "bye mom" and that was it. My aunt said she told her about my decision and my injuries, but I remember thinking "what injuries?" We walked back outside and I stood by my headstone and I said that I was having second thoughts but still willing to go through with it. I kept thinking if I would be in pain and if everything would be okay. I cried and then I woke up.

I've never had a dream about my death before and it scares me. I always believed dreams to part of my subconscious and that if I could decipher it I could understand myself better. This...was something else.

Is Conway my savior?

小孩子

2009-09-08T18:03:00.000-07:00

Today I bought something new. I always buy something new, but this was different. I bought a scale for my aunt and my uncle because their old scale had a margin of error of 5 pounds and they were dieting. I thought this would be beneficial.

So today when they came home with the kids I was excited to show them, especially my aunt. Of course they were all stressed out and I was brushed aside before I even got a chance to tell them. When I showed my aunt all she could tell me was "later, I'm really busy right now".

I mean, I guess it's fine. My reaction to that should not have been as strong as it was. Then I realized that that was the story of my life. Always brushed off to the side by my parents who wouldn't take 30 seconds to acknowledge me.

All the gifts in the world, and never any of the time. Story of my life.

剛剛記得

2009-08-11T05:47:00.000-07:00

One day I was sitting in the computer room with my parents. My dad as sitting next to my mom on the bed and I was sitting in the chair. We were having a jolly old conversation when my mom picks up the phone and strikes him in the head with it.

End.

Hong Kong

2009-08-04T05:41:00.001-07:00

Read about my HK adventures here:

http://dearvivan.tumblr.com/

一年

2009-06-01T04:19:00.000-07:00

Today marks one year.

Mr. Ryan Conferido and Facebook

2009-05-27T02:46:00.000-07:00

The thing about being a college student is that it’s quite liberating. You can go to class if you want, you can leave if you want, you can pretty much do all those things you couldn’t do in high school. Why do I bring this up? I bring it up because I’m in class now. I might as well not be here, but I’m here. You know all those lists that say “you know you’re in college when…”? They are oddly accurate. Yeah, get a good kick out of it now. It’s all true.

Moving on.

The Ryan Conferido “essay contest” due date is coming up and I’m still at a loss. I don’t know if I want to enter or not. There are some pretty intimidating works of art on there and I was never one to set myself up for failure. Vivi the Great was never extremely strong willed or brave. Aside from epic failure, there’s the fact that Mr. Conferido himself could be reading what I write. Scary. Not just because he gets to take a peek inside my brain but also because his writing is pretty intimidating too. In some ways, I’m good at putting myself out there and wearing my heart on my sleeve. In cases like this, I’m a bit of wimp. So how is it that people manage to put up pieces of work that give everyone an inside look at their lives but also at their hearts, thinking, emotions, and so much more? How do you put that out there without being afraid of what people think and their judgments?

Once again, this is something that I admire in people like Ryan Conferido and James Huynh. Despite the fact that people may judge them based words across a screen, they put it out there and sometimes I feel like they are better people for it, happier even. Perhaps it’s my turn to be the lion with a heart of a lamb.

How does Ryan inspire you and benefit your life?

This is an interesting question. I’m not going to lie and say that he has been the greatest inspiration in my life and my life revolves around him and that he is my life. Sorry, my greatest inspirations have come from my own life experiences and my life revolves around me and I am my life. True story. At the same time though, I cannot say that he has not inspired me and has not benefited me. I can’t seem to put the words into place as well as I would like, but essentially, Ryan has inspired self reflection that has set off a chain of events. I’ve never tried to hide the fact that I didn’t know about Quest Crew until the East West Players Visionary Awards and that it was the first time I had ever seen them perform. Since then though, I have been intrigued and fascinated. I learned a little about each member and their history with Quest Crew over the course of a month, but was drawn most to Daniel Ryan Conferido. When I began reading his blog, his acceptance speech at the East West Players Visionary Awards made sense. “You really started to believe in us before things started to take off”, was more personal to him than anyone else. His family didn’t support his choices and his passions. To say I can relate would be an understatement.

For me it goes a little bit beyond that as well though. His family didn’t support his choices and his passions, my family suppressed mine. I followed what I believed was the best way: major in biology, work towards medical school, become a doctor, make big bucks. You know, the typical Asian way of life. Whenever I attempted to deviate it was like my mother tried to surround me with more and more science people. Like Dr. Muir said, it’s probably all I know. I never got a chance to take into account that I like to write and that I love the behind the scenes work in film and television and broadcasting. I never got a chance to discover that I loved to bake and cook (until I was much older). My life was pummeled with what they thought was perfect for me and it wasn’t until I finally “ran away” that I got a chance to look back and realize that the sciences really was all that I knew. I was on one track with no regard for any other tracks; in fact I didn’t know anything about them. So I continued on with it until recently when I realized how ridiculous I was. I was following someone else’s dream and allowing them to live vicariously through me.

Part of the problem was that I didn’t know how to be defiant. I was always the good teenager in high school and there was no rebellion. Well, there was but it was all internal. I didn’t know how to do anything without the approval or support of the people around me. My aunt says that I know what I want, but a lot of times I just need someone to voice their approval. So for me to discover someone (of Asian descent) who did not follow the obedient Asian child role and made his own way without the support and approval of his parents and family was astonishing to me. He stood on his own two feet with dedication, courage, passion, and pride. His belief in himself was strong enough to push him forward and make him work harder. That, my friends, is how it should be. That is true strength and true courage.

One of my favorite quotes is from E.E. Cummings. I first heard it on One Tree Hill and have forever become attached to it.

"To be nobody but yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

And that is something I feel he can attest to…but he has won the battle.

With all of that, I finally realized and believed that there was more to life than the cookie cutter mold my parents had laid out for me. So what if it’s not going to make me a millionaire and so what if I don’t get to live the lavish life that’s been dangled in my face over and over again? What if for once I made a decision that made me happy? What if I made a decision that was for me rather than for the people around me? The idea rather frightens me. It seems that all I know is to aim for that lavish lifestyle. Could I really let go of everything that’s been hammered in my head and really go for it? Can I take a risk? The idea is scary. I suppose it would be for a lot of people. The real question is how much courage (and not the liquid kind) I have in me. Can I do it too? Vivian has never been incredibly brave or strong willed. The idea of failure cripples me to the point where the cookie cutter mold was what I accepted because it was safe and it was practical. Even if it wasn’t what made me happy, it was what I accepted.

I do believe it’s time for me to leave the playpen.

So while Ryan follows his dreams and allows his heart to guide him, I finally take a look over the fence. And with that, Ryan has inspired and benefited me more than some people I have known my entire life.

How has Ryan made an impact on your life and your goals (if any)?

This question and this answer goes hand in hand with the previous entry.

Pick one or more of Ryan’s accomplishments whether it be music or dance and explain what they mean to you or how they have affected your personal life.

This prompt I cannot expand too much on because there’s not too much to be said. Essentially his dancing was what brought him into my life. His dancing was the title of the book that led me to read the summary which in turn led to a trip to the bookstore where a cover drew me in more. When I finally cracked the book open, I discovered more than I expected. I suppose the easiest way to say it would be this way.

Ryan wrote the following:

"You are in my dancing . You are in my music .
You are a source of my encouragement, and a valuable piece of my happiness .
You are officially a part of my life .

You are the names I don't know, and the people I will never meet .
But you are also the friends I will remember forever .

Even once you have forgotten me, my story will bear testament to your presence in my life ."

He doesn’t realize how much of an inspiration he really is. By telling his story he has changed part of mine.

He is in the words on this page.
He is a source of inspiration in my life.
He is one of my few role models, a title rightfully earned.

He has inspired this piece of writing that exposes more of me than many people know. He was the source of a revelation that has taken me an immense amount of courage to believe. He is a source of that belief and that courage.

Just as he says his fans are officially part of his life, he is officially part of mine. Simple and plain.

Given the chance to meet Ryan [again] what would say to him?

I would only hope and pray that I would have the courage to tell him all of this, because he deserves to know.

And that is that. I think. <3

奇怪女兒

2009-05-26T02:47:00.000-07:00

On April 27, 2009, I attended the East West Players Visionary Awards, an annual fundraiser for the East West Players. This was my second Visionary Awards and I was not disappointed. But before we get into that, a brief history about East West Players and my history with them.

The East West Players is essentially an Asian American theater group based here in Los Angeles, CA. They were established in 1965 as a place where people of Asian descent could perform, unrestricted by the roles Hollywood placed on them. 44 years later, the East West Players is going strong and producing many notable "alumni" such as Daniel Dae Kim, John Cho, Pat Morita, and B.D. Wong.

My first play with the East West Players was "M. Butterfly" years ago with my cousin Jeffrey. To be honest, I was in high school and more curious than anything. That and I wanted to spend time with my aunt and uncle. So when they asked if I wanted a subscription for the next season, I said yes. And this went on for years. I'm not even sure how many seasons I've been to...maybe four? Anyway, I have seen some amazing productions from the East West Players and some I didn't like so much. Many of the plays that are produced are about Asian Americans, but some shows such as "Be Like Water" deliver some pretty profound messages. My favorite musical production by the East West Players was "Pippin", but we'll get into that another time. Favorite play was probably "Proof" or "Durango".

Each year, the East West Players holds a fundraiser called the Visionary Awards. During the Visionary Awards there is a silent auction, dinner, and of course the awards. The following regarding the Visionary Awards was taken from the East West Players' website:

"The East West Players Anniversary Visionary Awards Dinner is an award-winning event that salutes artists who have raised the visibility of the Asian Pacific American community through theater, film and television. Proceeds from the evening will benefit East West Players educational and artistic programs."

Throughout the years, I have never kept up with the dancing world much. In fact, I don't keep up with much (classes included). The East West Players, however, had a different idea in mind. Starting last year, they began to present their "Breakout Performance" award. Last year, during their 42nd Visionary Awards, they presented it for the first time to the Jabbawockeez. At the time, I was completely taken with them. Not really obsessed or fangirl, but I was impressed. This year, they presented it to Quest Crew. Two out of three seasons, crews with members of Asian descent have won when America got to vote. This season, season three, a group that comprised of members that are all of Asian descent won. What’s it to me? Well, let’s take a look at my thinking for a brief ADHD moment.

The world isn’t ready for Asian Americans to make a strong presence, at least not yet. That’s always been my opinion. Slowly but surely we’re getting there. The odds always seem to be stacked against us when America gets to vote. The minority tends to go poof. It’s sad, but you all know it’s true. At the end of the day we grow to accept it and then in comes this group of guys, the first dance crew to win ABDC that has members that are all of Asian descent. They come in and they not only put on a good show, but they win. Well that changes my perspective on some things.

I was completely taken by Quest Crew. And kind of fangirly too.

I have never been taken with dancing much. Music and singing? Totally. Dancing? Well, that's new. I can talk forever about American Idol, Jay Chou, and the like! America's Best Dance Crew? Not a clue. I had to Google what "BBoy" meant and search Wikipedia for more clarification. For some odd reason or another, I continue to follow and learn about dancing so I can keep up with these young men. Despite the fact that I could easily get over Jabbawockeez (though it was fun to brag about seeing them for a while) and brush it off, this thing for Quest Crew lingers on.

So what's drawing me and millions of others in? For some it's because "they're soooooooooo cute!", so says the teeny bopper that was sitting behind me at NBA Nation. For others it’s because they simply admire their dancing. But for me, I think I see something obvious. I see ordinary people with extraordinary talent, extraordinary passion, and extraordinary drive. The rest seems to fall into place. I know people say it all the time, but how many of them actually mean it? How many of them can go up to them and talk to them and not feel those butterflies that you feel when you’re talking to someone special? You know, that nervous feeling and those darn butterflies you get when you get to meet a celebrity? I know you all know what I’m talking about.

They actually remind me immensely of a Mr. James Huynh who I hold dear to my heart despite the fact that he’s deathly afraid of California and his beliefs about the superiority of the West Coast over the East Coast clash drastically with my own. He is a topic of another time, and a big topic he is. 

I have been fortunate enough to meet them on two different occasions. As a fan, I expected the full onslaught of butterflies. Those stupid butterflies hit me all the time! But when they came one by one and I actually got to talk to them briefly? Nothing. As comfortable as if they were my sorority sisters. Slight exaggeration. My aunt even said, “They’re so humble, if you met them outside you’d never guess they were famous”. They’re gracious, humble, grateful, and thankful. They’re good folks: Ordinary people with some extraordinary parts to them. Even after knowing all this, there’s still the question of “Why them?”

I get asked this question a lot actually. People like to question why I like things and often times I simply respond with my universal answer of, “I just do”. After all this reflective writing, I think I know what it is. They are what I want to be. Not as dancers or as professionals, but as people.

They have succeeded in areas in which I have failed.
They go against the odds to do what they love and settle for nothing less.
They do what they do with a passion and not just to get by.
They dedicate themselves to their craft willingly and let discouraging words fuel them more.

And I suppose that that’s that. To think this was all prompted by an “essay contest” in the Ryan Conferido Facebook group. Don’t know if I should enter. Maybe? We’ll conclude this for now. Sorry if my ADHD was too much for you, I couldn't get a straight thought out.

Relaaaaaaaaax...

2009-05-26T00:08:00.001-07:00

So, I have always been a bit defensive about people I care about or celebrities that I adore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty objective and pretty unbiased. I can say “that’s fucked up” when it’s fucked up and I can say “STFU” as needed. So let’s move on from this paragraph and have a little fun. Keep in mind I have ADHD and it’s too late for me to take my meds, so if I bounce from topic to topic, sorry get over it.

Working for the bank for a little over three years, you learn some interesting things. The coworkers you have and the people you meet impart wisdom on you or they inspire wisdom in you. Either that or you just learn something. For example, I have learned that “so dark” can refer to so much more than color or how well lit a room is. I have also learned that customers are generally not the brightest light bulbs on the shelf. But enough of the silly things I have learned! Let’s get to the “wisdom”.

One of the greater “wisdoms” passed down to me from Great Master Li Yang is that there are customers (we’ll call them people in this entry) who don’t understand and there are people who won’t understand. So let’s take Master Yang’s words of wisdom and apply it to this current situation with Quest Crew (didn’t see that coming, huh?).

For those of you who don’t know, and my general reader(s) probably don’t, Quest Crew did not perform at their North Carolina show as planned. Something or another happened and it just didn’t happen. No one knows the details for sure at this point, and everyone’s guessing. Well, I don’t care (yet). What I do care about is all those nasty messages plaguing their “Questbook”.

Everyone needs to take a chill pill. Both sides.

And now, because I have ADHD and have lost my train of thought too many times to get it back (I think it left the station altogether), I’m going to get straight to the point. As of this moment, there has been no real news as to what happened at the show. I cannot defend them as much as I want to because I do not know the facts. I do, however, know what I believe. I believe that they are good people and that whatever happened in North Carolina was unintentional and stuff happens. I believe that as good people they did not mean to upset their fans or “flake” on a show that people paid money to see. But of course a character witness can only go so far. So even if my testimony isn’t as solid as a rock, I hope it counts for something.

Now, as for the prosecution (that’s all the people pointing fingers out there), their testimony isn’t any better. It might actually be worse than mine is. The only fact we know right now is that they didn’t perform as scheduled. To say that they have changed as people and that they don’t appreciate their fans is like trying to convict a person when mens rea hasn’t been taken into consideration. Where’s the argument to support the claim?

Back to my “wisdom” mentioned earlier. I mentioned this for all those people who are avidly trying to defend Quest Crew. There are people out there who don’t understand and that can be reasoned with. Then there are people who refuse to understand. Those people aren’t worth your time. Let it go. I could write pages and pages about this, but I’ll save it for another day.

But really, people need to stops sipping on their Haterade and get over it. And don’t tell me that they’re too tall because they bend over backwards a lot and enough to get over it! Take that last sentence as you will.

海邊

2009-05-18T02:23:00.000-07:00

This could potentially be procrastination at its worst, but let's see where it takes me.

For some reason today when I was driving home, I began to think. It's not a long drive from Luppy's house, probably only about 20 minutes or so. That time, however, was enough for me to say a lot of things to myself. So here are some of the highlights of that conversation with myself.

I always worry that I'll never know what love is. I worry that I'll never be able to love someone so much that it's all encompassing and the other way around. Maybe, it's the fairy tale in me that's waiting for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet or maybe it's the fact that I can't remember loving or being loved so.

Everyday I question my relationship with my parents more and more. It's been almost a year since I've run away from my parents and taken up refuge here at my aunt's house. Not a day goes by that I wish I was back there despite whatever situation that may come up. In fact, I never have the urge to call them or anything. I don't miss them, but I feel bad for my dad because I know he misses me. I know that I care in some sense, but do I really love my parents? Have I ever loved my parents? The words "I love you" never came out of my mouth willingly before and I never said it first. I can say I love Laura, Allie, Jess, Luppy, Mel, Dez, and the list goes on, but I can't say that I love my parents, not even casually. I never could. When people talked about how much they revered their parents and how much they loved them and could never do them wrong, I couldn't relate. Then I think some more and wonder if I ever felt loved.

I always had the materialistic things. I had a new car, a new laptop, my own room that was twice the size of everyone else's, my tuition was paid for, and the like. But honestly, that's all I can remember. I don't remember much aside from the gifts and the money. Chris once said that I was more fond of the materialistic things, and maybe that's why. I was always showered with the materialistic things, so it was all I knew. But as I grew up and time went on, I know that I proved (to myself at least) that he was wrong. It's amazing how little you need to get by. Especially when you storm out of the house with your pillow, laptop, cell phone, school books, and nothing else and never looked back. I still like them of course, who wouldn't? But at the same time they're not what the ultimate search for is.

This isn't the first time this situation has come up. In fact, when I was about 17 I wondered about it too. I wondered if I had ever felt love and if I could ever love someone so much that I would always feel it. I know Mel, Luppy, Laura, Allie, Jess, my aunt, etc...all love me in their own way. It's impossible for me to not feel the care there. But I suppose I'm still on that search for more.

I still wonder, to this day, if I will ever love someone as much as I want to and if I'm even capable of it.

Having never felt that kind of love, is it possible for me to give it?

Is it possible for me to know?

Will I be able to love as much as I want to with as little regard as I want?

Am I really so fucked up now that I can't?

I'd like to think I'm moving forward with my life and not standing in place waiting for something to happen. I would like to think that I'm making progress with everything...but at the end of the day, I'm still the little girl with a foot on the dock and a foot in the boat. The little girl who tried so desperately to keep the boat and the dock together in one place, even at the risk of drowning.

But she's small and she can't. She can't keep her boat with the dock, but still she tried. She wished away the currents that were pulling her boat and dock apart, but nothing.

So what does she do? Does she go with the boat and let it take her away to unfamiliar places? Take her to places that can bring her true happiness or more pain. Or does she stay with the dock and watch as her precious lifeboat drifts away. Or does she keep trying and eventually drown?

Those were the option Dr. Muir gave me all those months ago. But today, as I was driving home, I realized that there was something new to this situation and this little girl.

Say the little girl had grown numb to the situation and the currents. What happens when the currents get stronger or change?

And then, what if she didn't care anymore? What if she was holding on to the boat and the dock to go through the motions? What happens when she stops caring but a decision still has to be made but she cannot decide because both options would destroy her in the end?

Maybe she'll let go and let the water have her. Let the water have her body and let the current take it where it will while her spirit stays by the dock. Seems to be the only way.

The little girl that never felt love and never loved would be lost in the water forever.

喝了太多

2009-05-09T23:57:00.000-07:00

So, last night was interesting to say the least.

I got drunk.

MAJORLY.

I DROVE.

Holy effing crap. That's probably why being drunk wasn't as enjoyable last night for me. I knew I was being stupid and I knew that it'd kick my ass in 2 hours!

Last night's drink count wasn't all that impressive if I'm being completely honest.

3 Buttery Nipples
1 Kamikaze
1 Screwdriver (Thanks, Kenneth)
2 Pineapple and Vodka

So..........YEAH. Somewhere around ordering my first pineapple and Vodka and a buttery nipple all the alcohol just hit me HARD and FAST. I seriously went from nothing to something super duper fast. My pledge sister said it's because I drank a bunch of creeper drinks. All my shots were creepers apparently. I think the Vodka in my Pineapple and Vodka might have been cheap vodka instead of Belvedere...because we all know cheap vodka will get to you sooner than Goose does!

The interesting thing about being drunk last night was that it was the first time that I have acted so irresponsibly...I actually did NOT drunk dial like I usually did. I made a couple of "need help" phone calls and texts but really the only person I talked to on the phone was for the sake of comfort because I was feeling like crap for making Luppy shuffle me around when I should have known better and had better judgement. I know Luppy loves me and she's not mad at me and she didn't mind, it's just that I felt bad for acting so irresponsibly. Last night was just about having fun and it turned out to be pretty baddd...My drunken state couldn't take that worry out of my mind so there was no kid that came out to play last night after we left Lucky Strike.

And then there was staying with James. Honestly, I wouldn't have worried before Vegas, because to me James was cool guy (still is), but my worries aren't unfounded. At the same time though, I don't think anything would have happened, it was just a worry. I was such a drunk worry wart. The point was that I got home mostly sober but I know I wasn't completely sober because when I drank orange juice last night I wanted to throw up because my mind was still associating orange juice with alcohol. So yeah.

Never again.

姐姐在那裏？

2009-05-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

So the pledges have been driving me insane but that's not what I'm blogging about.

One of our actives made mention that her lil sis said something that was rather hurtful to her. She is reluctant to stay to continue pledging and her big sis doesn't seem to matter enough to her for her to stay, but her pledge sisters do. Normally I'd say that it's a norm, but it's not something you would say to your big sis's face.

When this person told me this my response was obviously that it was rather effed up, but then it was only the second week and nothing is set in stone yet. Her bond with her lil sis will need to be built over time and it's not instantaneous. And of course there was a small bit of concern. All I can say to that is that I wrote the book on fucked up big/lil relationships.

I don't know if I have/had the worst, but sometimes it feels/felt like it. But everything happens for a reason though, right?

I remember one day I stopped and I looked back and I told Laura "I feel like I've grown in the sorority without her..." and she told me I did. And I remember I felt so sad that my big sis wasn't there to watch me grow and progress. I was so sad that she wasn't there when I crossed my lil sis and when I first became a big sis. She wasn't there to watch me take her place as the Philanthropy chair or to watch my lil sis take my place as the philanthropy chair. She wasn't there when I started to take initiative and speak up...

I think because I don't say anything anymore, a lot of people don't think much of it. But those people who were there with me when it happened know that it wasn't nothing. It was a big deal and still is in some senses.

I don't know why I'm posting this or what I'm trying to say...but yeah.

會不會改變？

2009-04-26T20:15:00.001-07:00

My Fatal Flaw, by Ephram Brown

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.

I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do.

But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

我不懂

2009-04-26T00:16:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I don't know why I'm in such a mood. It seemed like a fine day and everything was good all through dim sum and such. It seems like after I woke up from my nap everything was going to hell.

It's not like I'm insane or anything, but I know people think I need to go back to counseling.

So today a lot of my stuff came back to me. My boxes, drawer carts, CDs, dresses, some jackets, etc...not all of it, but some of it. And honestly, it made me upset to see them. I didn't want them and I got frustrated when I saw them. I got rid of most of the stuff and then my aunt brought back more stuff. All I asked for was a drawer of papers from my old room, not my jackets or other shit. I don't want any of it and no one seems to get it. I don't want all the clothes back or the drawers. I had a list of things I wanted.

1. My paddle and sorority gifts
2. My Jay Chou stuff
3. 1 dress that I need for Monday
4. A drawer full of papers

And when I asked my aunt where the papers were she said that my third aunt and my mom were having a crying fest and she didn't want to make it worst by going in to get my papers.

And honestly, it wasn't about the stuff. It wasn't about the crying fest. It was the stuff that was said about me. I've learned that you shouldn't listen to everyone and that not all of your elders deserve respect nor should you always listen to them. I've learned this more than once but for some reason what they say always manages to tear me down.

你知道嗎愛你並不容易

2009-04-24T17:18:00.000-07:00

The title doesn't mean anything, it's part of a song from Jacky Cheung that just got stuck in my head. It does that every now and then. Jay sang it at his LA concert back in 2004.

I'm watching Finding Nemo again...as if I don't already know it back and forth.

In fact I don't know why I'm posting again. LOL.

Okay I'm off! :D

有時候。。。真的不公平。

2009-04-22T01:40:00.000-07:00

我不要你討厭我。
我不想是個我不想是個負荷。

I suppose nothing has really changed.

Sorry, didn't mean to force myself onto you. I promise I'll be good. I just missed having you around.

And you pushed and I left. I only did it because I thought you were already too far away for me to reach and that you had made your decision. There, I opened the can of worms.

What to do what to do what to do...太複雜。

Everything tonight is making me think. I swam so I could sleep. Guess not. :/

不同

2009-04-21T19:03:00.000-07:00

DUDE. So I’ve been looking for a NetBook as of late just for fun. I know I don’t really need one and my laptop is still pretty much new, but I’ve still been looking. So I get to class and I’m sitting here and this guy pulls out this Samsung laptop and it’s super small, I’m thinking 8-inches or smaller and it’s HOTTTT. Hahaha…so that’s my random note for the day. I’m definitely going to look into it, but knowing me I won’t get it because it looks like it lags and Samsungs are not always the best in the field of computers. But somehow the bastard gets Internet in this classroom…JEALOUS TO THE MAX.

So now that I’m just here in class, I have time to just type because I don’t’ pay attention in class. :D So I suppose I should just update this thing because it really has been a while.

Nothing’s changed too much, I suppose. These last few months, despite being unemployed and broke as hell, I’ve been pretty happy despite the “movie moments” as I like to call them. I suppose I’d have to explain that. Over the last year (it’s been almost a year), I have been more or less realized how fucked up my life has been. That’s not to say I didn’t have the good parts, but a pretty large part of it was fucked up. I don’t think I would have ever realized it either if I hadn’t “run away”. Even when I was going to CAPS and Dr. Muir told me that it was abuse, I didn’t believe it. I still don’t want to, but it’s becoming more and more clear to me as each day passes by. And those “movie moments” are those moments of clarity with the revelations. So here’s my story and there’s so much to tell that I probably won’t be able to fit it all in one sitting, but I can start and the rest can come later I suppose.

My mother had, no doubt, been such a large part of my life for such a long time. For years, she was my idol and everything I aspired to be: a strong independent woman that makes everything her own. That was what I saw and what I wanted. People often told me how lucky I was that I had such a great mother, and at a younger age I believed it. Then things changed gradually. I suppose I noticed the difference, but I just brushed it off as usual. High school was still a happy time for me save for my emo moments so really, there’s not too much for me to look back on. The moment I entered college though, that’s when it all started. She seemed understanding at first with me joining a sorority and such. I guess being 17 and such, she still had a lot of control over me so I usually asked before anything. Part of the “obedient Asian kid” act I suppose. Once I turned 18, things just got worst. I wanted to be independent, she wanted to control me. She would call me at 10PM if I was out late and depending on her mood I could go out or stay in as well as the time I could stay out until.

Then Spring Quarter 2006 came around. For me, that quarter everything went to hell. My parents fought constantly and were now in the middle of a divorce that I got caught up in. I tried to turn away, but all of a sudden the weight was put on me. She told me, “If you want this to stop, just say it and we’ll stop the divorce.” And I couldn’t bring myself to say yes, but at the same time I couldn’t say no. I remember feeling extreme guilt that neither of my parents were happy because I couldn’t make the decision. That quarter I remember I would go to class and just sit outside the door and think. I would literally drive to school and not attend class, just sit outside, and think. I spent as much time on campus as I could justify and I understood the words “anywhere but here”. I didn’t realize it, but I was running away already. It was the first time I discovered a sanctuary outside of home and it was everywhere but home. I started spending more time with little Cayden who was only 1 at the time and well, we all know how much I love him. And I think that was the quarter I learned to shut everyone out. That was when I grew up and I became the person I didn’t want to be. I was no longer family oriented and I couldn’t be happy no matter how much I tried. And that’s when I started to lose my bounce.

Time went by and my life was still controlled, but it was calm which was all that I could really ask for. But it was the calm before the storm. She began to resent the family for everything. I thought it was just something that would pass, something that was a heat of the moment thing. I let it go most of the time and took it with a grain of salt. However, it became more and more frequent until it blew up. After her car accident she was no longer reasonable. There was no talking to her. Then that whole situation happened and a new chapter in my life started. She used to tell me that if I ever ran away home that I should never come back because she would just pretend I was dead and bury an empty casket and that would be that. I couldn’t bring myself to care anymore.

I realized that my mother was not who I thought she was. She was not strong and independent. Rather, she relied heavily on me. She had no real outside friends to talk to, so she talked to me about things that are meant for friends, not your daughter. She relied heavily on me for these things and I didn’t want to be a part of them. Sometimes I really think that I’m being selfish for not wanting be a part of it and not wanting to be best friend that she can tell everything to. I couldn’t be both her daughter and her best friend. She wanted me to have the roles separated and I couldn’t do that. She began to need me more and more and I pushed away more and more. She was needy and dependent and lied to me and she wanted me to fight her battles for her. And when I didn’t, I was considered a bad person.

I realized with time that the strain in my relationship with my daddy was because of her. My dad worked later than my mom did, often didn’t come home until 7:30-ish and with a 9:00PM bed time, I didn’t see too much of him. She would tell me that he was cheating on her, that he was having sex with other women and all those other things. For years, she would berate my dad in front of me and expect me to hold some ounce of respect and compassion for him. She wanted me to tell him off for her when she was mad and she expected me to still be daddy’s little girl after all of that and wondered why I wasn’t.

My aunt asked me why I didn’t ask for help before when I wanted to leave for college. I told her it never felt like I had strong outside sources and that I was afraid. I wasn’t afraid of moving out, I was afraid of my mother’s reaction. Then I found the lie. She told my aunt that if I had gotten into a UC or a good school she would have let me go. When I was applying for schools she told me to stop applying for schools outside of daily driving distance and wasting her money on the application fee because she wouldn’t let me go. I believed it. I was 17, she had to sign the papers.

I always knew my mother didn’t want me to work and just go to school, I always wondered why. I needed work experience to make it in the real world anyway. My aunt said it was probably because she knew that was the only hold she had on me and it was the last bit of control she had on me when I turned 18. She always wanted to have a say in what I wore and she wanted to control how I spent my own money. And that’s how it went. Control.

I suppose that’s all I’m going to write in terms of that today. There’s so much more to tell, but being in class, I’m limited to what I can type.

But all of this comes with something else my aunt asked me. She asked me if I knew what a real relationship looked like because she wanted to make sure that I knew for a fact that what my parents had was not what it was supposed to look like. I told her that what I saw between her and my uncle was real, but at the same time I have some imaginary perception of what love and a real relationship is like. And I suppose that’s where the “Disney princess” line is at. I want what I have in my imagination and I haven’t outgrown it. I’ve tried so hard to live up to my mother’s faux strong independence that I’ve become guarded. I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be the damsel in distress with a knight in shining armor to save me and sweep me off my feet. So I guess this Disney Princess will just have to continue looking for Prince Charming and hope that he exists.

Something new

2008-11-08T21:09:00.000-08:00

So, today I went out to dinner. SHOCK. I went out!

But no, that's not why I'm posting. Sure Saturday is normally my nap day but whatever. The new part was who was joining me for dinner.

Sitting across from me was my big sis. And it makes me smile. :)

And here I am

2008-09-18T00:55:00.000-07:00

So I've been missing from the blog world for a while now. I just wanted to say I'm alive and that I'm still at my aunt's house. I do love it here. :) I love my little cousins, they're so precious.

I do, however, miss my big sis still. It's hard for me to accept the fact that I haven't replaced her but I've been replaced.

As time passes...

2008-06-05T22:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a few days since my last post and I've made SOME amount of progress, not much.

Nothing's really changed.

Trauma

2008-06-02T21:08:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I need to go back to a shrink.

I went to counseling for about six months and I stopped going in January. This last situation has really got me thinking about going back. I actually think I will.

I honestly think I'm traumatized. My hands shake, my back aches, and I want to throw up and the idea of going home. Yesterday when I was in the shower, I felt like I heard my mom screaming from the other side of the door. I literally turned off the shower and stuck my head outside just to check. Today I keep hearing the phone ringing! I was laying hear and I told my aunt the phone is ringing, and then I questioned it. And I said, "It is ringing right?" I got up and looked up at the phone sitting in front of the TV and realized that it was all in my head. I keep hearing the Cingular ring tone, the one my mom's Blackberry plays when it rings. Everything in my head is a jumble and I'm starting to hear things. I'm going to start hallucinating next...

Fuck. This isn't fair.

You'll never change.

2008-06-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

I'm in such a jumble I don't even know what to type.

So this morning, I woke up at around 11AM and I started to finish typing up my term paper on diseases vectored by insects. About 2 minutes after I start typing there's a knocking at my door. Thinking that it was my little brother, I ignore it. I figured if it was anyone else they would state their name. So then the door gets opened despite the lock and my mom comes in and stands there glaring at me.

She demands an answer as to why I didn't open the door when she was knocking. I told her I was doing homework and thought that she was Aaron. She stands there, continues to glare, and asks me if it's hard living at home. Before I can answer she starts screaming about me "sneaking off" to my aunt's house every chance I get. I told her that I had informed her of me going out and she said I didn't. She continues to scream at me about how I never clean my room or mop the floor, etc...Finally I told her that I did come home and mop the floor last night. She yelled at me said I didn't and I told her to ask anyone and they'll tell her I did. She continues to ramble on and on and on about how horrible everyone in the house is and how no one cares about her. Finally she screams that she's moving out and that she can't be our mom anymore because she doesn't know how to deal with us and she's leaving us in the care of our dad or whatever. So I yell back that she's disowning us because she can't stand the fact that I go out or that Aaron is struggling in school. We get into this heated argument that ends up with her hitting me and yelling at me and then my brother. Finally I told my brother to get his towel and some clothes and that we're leaving. So I deal with her and then my brother goes to change. When I'm done I go to his room to get him and she says I can't take him. I ask her why not because she said she was done with all of us. That she disowned us which includes him. Which means he's free for me to take under my care. We get into a screaming fit and I lock myself in the bathroom for about 2 minutes. Then I grab my brother and I leave. She has since, packed and left.

So here I am, blogging at my aunt's house. I feel stiff and tense. I'm lost.

I don't want to care. I want to tell her to go fuck off and leave us alone. She's been weighing me down for so long. Controlling my life to every extent...My head is a clogged mess and I don't know what to do.

I really don't know...

Sometimes I wonder...

2008-04-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

You know...recently I have been wondering.

I think about what happened with Gina a lot. Some days I just let it slide, but a lot of the time I just keep wondering. There's so many loose ends that gives me so much false hope. And even though I know it's false, I want it to be real and I keep getting burned.

What do I do?

大學

2007-12-13T13:36:00.000-08:00

So I managed to get sick at Disneyland. Go figure.

It's been a while since I've made mention much of anything other than nothing. So today I'm going to fill this place with more nothing.

Why do I post here? This is, after all, the Internet. Things can be found. This can be found. So why do I post all these things when I know that there will be this chance where people can find my blog and expose all of its secrets? I think for the same reason that anyone blogs. I kind of want them to know.

I post and I post and I type and I type and only a few people know about this blog. Maybe 2 or 3 people at most. Those two or three people are the select few that I want to know about all of this. But what about the rest of the world. What about the other bajillion people that I've met over the course of my lifetime? Or even the few that I still keep close? Who knows?

I don't want them to come into this little private space of mine. If they happen to stumble upon it, then good on them. But for me to disclose my drama like that, nah.

還有兩天

2007-12-08T01:20:00.000-08:00

I'm two days away from being 20 and no longer being a teenager. Oh goodness.

Well, the one thing I like about my birthday is that it signals the holidays are in full swing. :) I've been emo lately, but that's because I've been listening to old emo like songs.

So for some reason I felt this indescribable need to post that I was applying to HKU. Well, I'm also applying to CUHK, PolyU, and HKUST as well. I just need to get away from here. Enough of that for now.

I've been listening to N Sync songs lately. It's a Christmas thing. :) Every Christmas I listen to N Sync Christmas songs just because I love them so much. There are a couple other ones too but I don't think I have them anymore. Anyway, there's one N Sync song that has been sticking out. Two now that I think about them. "You Don't Have To Be Alone" and "Don't Wanna Spend One More Christmas Without You".

And now I just killed my emo mood listening to happy songs. HAHAHA...Too bad! :)

Happy Birthday to me -2 days! <3

一類

2007-12-03T01:44:00.000-08:00

So today I've decided to apply to Medical School. In Hong Kong.

Weird right? I've talked about it since I got home from Hong Kong but I've never really put too much thought into it until today.

I feel like I'm rushing things, but it's something that I want. I've started my applicaton process and the only thing remaining is for me to write my personal statement and collect documents.

Am I doing the right thing? Am I pursuing the dream that I've always wanted, just in a different direction? I'm worried and I'm kind of scared, but I really need to get out of here and so many people know that.

If possible, I want to start off on a fresh clean slate where whatever happened at Cal Poly stays at Cal Poly. I want to start off brand new in a place where no one knows me. I want a second chance at college. I won't graduate til I'm about 25, but I'll be an M.D. I'll be a doctor of medicine. Isn't that something that I've always wanted?

勇氣

2007-11-23T00:10:00.001-08:00

I’m not sure why, but I’m waiting for midnight to pass before I post this.

Every week I go to CAPS and meet with my psychologist. We talk about everything, from ADHD to emotional concerns. And somehow, I feel like I’m a lost cause. But more about that next time I go to CAPS. Truth is, I think I need a break from it. So I’m going to step away from it until next quarter. There was one particular session that I had that I feel like I should talk about though.

I finally got myself to talk to Dr. Muir about Gina.

During that session, I explained the entire situation from my point of view and what I know of Gina’s point of view. We went into great detail about my reaction to it and my actions. It was only then when I said it to him did I realize by myself how familiar the situation was. Two people that I loved dearly were feuding and all I wanted was for it to stop. For everything to soothe over and be better again. I felt torn in between the two. Where did my loyalties go?

It was then that it dawned on me that during the time Gina and Jess were feuding, my parents’ divorce heated up. I was caught in two different fires. But they still burned.

Dr. Muir told me to imagine a little girl on a boat dock. One foot in the boat, the other one is still on the dock. Of course the boat wants to leave the dock and go with the current, but the little girl is still one foot in the boat, one foot on the dock trying to hold them together. But she’s small, and eventually all that will happen is that she stays on the boat, stays on the dock, or drowns. But no matter which option she chooses, the boat or the dock, she always wants to be able to reach out and grab the other. And it’s an unfortunate battle.

He told me that most children who are in a family with conflicting parents often feel they need to keep the family together. That they wouldn’t survive without both of the parents. So while it’s “keep the family together” it’s more of a survival response. That why we try so hard to keep our parents together. We feel that it’s our duty to do that. But deep down inside, we know that it really isn’t.

I told him about a dream that I used to have often, it was a dream that I was never sure was real or not. My parents had me by the arm, one each, and they were pulling and tugging and I’m just crying. He said that whether that particular situation physically happened or not, it happened. It was what I felt, and it happened.

All of what he said hit me hard. But then he said “It’s unfortunate that these two situations happened at the same time, because you could’ve learned from one situation, and who knows how that could’ve changed the outcome of the second.”

The biggest what if is “What if I had picked up the phone” that one day she called.

I’m in control of this situation too, he said. I could put a stop to it. Our entire relationship is not based solely on Gina. I can say stop. Yes, I could. But what if while I’m unavailable to her, she decides she wants to talk. Is it worth risking?

Of course a few days later my horoscope said that I needed to cut someone out of my life because they were doing me no good.

Everything he said was right. It was right on the dot. And it only made me cry harder. It made my chest hurt like my heart was breaking. The truth was revealed. The words finally left me.

And today everything came rushing back to me for some reason. Happens often, I suppose.

I feel like Dr. Muir has given up on me. And that hurts the most. I used to look forward to our weekly meetings. I’m lost now. I feel like, his level of commitment to my case has dropped because I haven’t been responding to therapy. I feel like a lost cause. I thought I knew everything there was to know about myself and emotions and feelings. I’m learning more every time. But right now I feel like a little fish in the open sea. No sense of direction and nothing to steer me in the right direction.

Run away again. Run away where no one can reach me. Run away to a place where my heart can mend and I can find myself.

傳統

2007-11-22T22:12:00.000-08:00

Today is Thanksgiving. As per tradition, I always give thanks to certain people who have impacted my life.

I am thankful for...

My dearest cousin Jeffrey. This blog would not exist without you, even though yours had died. Thanks for always picking up the phone regardless of how random or stupid it is...even at 7AM. <3 The one person who shows up on this list year after year...

My beloved Aunty Tianna and Uncle Chi. You two have been my guiding light this last year. Showing me everything that I needed to know and encouraging me to pursue whatever I wanted. You've shown me what true happiness is.

My absolutely adorable Cayden. All my worries go away when I'm with you. You are true innocence. Something that I feel that I've tried to preserve within myself, but failed still. Everytime I see your adorable self I can't help but smile. Thank you for being the light in my life.

My baby Conway. You're so cute, yes you are! :) I love you oh so much even though your still oh so tiny. You, just like your brother, are the light of my life.

My Laura/Molah. When my world fell apart the person I reached to was you. Even though I had barely spoken to you too much before, I always felt like you were my only life line. We've had some great times and gotten through some moody days. And I'm so thankful to have you in my life. Life would be so boring without you. Thank you so much for always being there.

Ms. Allison Koga. The old fogie in the sorority, pretty much. Not the oldest, but close enough. Thanks for toughing it out this year. I know it's probably difficult to stay active when you know that you could be associate or alumni and not have to deal with all of the drama, but you know you love it! j/k :) Thanks for listening to my rants and ranting with me. I'd be a total loner without you.

Momma Tot. Despite all the drama of this last year, you're still here. What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger right? Even with all the ups and downs there are now you're still there for me, even as an associate that doesn't want anything to do with sorority. And I thank you for always being there regardless of the day or the hour. <3 you!

Lil sis, Aileen. We've gotten so much closer this year. I'm sorry that all the drama between me and Gina got in between me getting closer to you. It was just so difficult for me to talk to anyone about anything. In a way I was isolating myself, but you were always there when I came back. <3

Desiree, my dearest pledge sister. Can always count on you to set me straight, huh? I can't wait for you to come back, sis. Good times are waiting for us.

My parents, I guess.

Dr. Muir, who has effectively told me I'd be in counseling for the rest of my life to deal with the trauma my parents have inflicted on me.

My great uncle and aunt in Hong Kong. Thanks for showing me a part of Hong Kong that I never saw or remembered. You definitely tied my heart down there.

Finally, for Gina.

偷偷跑掉

2007-11-08T22:25:00.000-08:00

So my laptop is down for the count. At least for now. It's having problems charging and it just gets worst and worst. So tomorrow it's going in to get fixed. In the meanwhile I'm stealing my brother's laptop. Let me tell you, he is NOT a happy camper.

I'll tell you now that this is going to be epic.

So lately I've been feeling kind of heated. I've never had much of an opinion on most things and I'm just the one that agrees with the crowd. However, these days I feel like I'm being pushed more and more to the extreme. Lately everything that the active class does bothers me so much that I'm left ranting and raving about it til forever.

The thing that bugs me the most though, is my own pledge sister. Harsh to say, but my own pledge sister is one of things that I want to escape.

Actually, I just had a sudden urge to escape. A sudden urge to hop on a plane and go to Hong Kong and never come back. I'll get more into that later. Back to the original topic at hand.

One of my pledge sisters has been ridiculously difficult these last few months. The more that I think about it the more that it upsets me. Tau class used to be the standard. We used to be the ones that people would say "I hope they turn out like Tau". Unfortunately, I can't even say that now. We've taken a turn for the worst and not even I am free from persecution. I'm a victim of my own bitterness.

When Gina turned inactive, Carol DAed, Desiree turn inactive, and Jess was no longer like a pledge mom to us, it was just me and Mel. During the whole year of drama and stuff, there was me and Mel. And Desiree at times as well. It was us against the world. Or at least that's what I used to say. The first summer of our active career was extremely difficult. It was hard on both of us. Our pledge mom was busy with Upsilon and being president. The stress got to her and to tell you the truth, we all felt the brunt of it. All the actives felt the drama and stress of that year. I don't want to say that my pain and drama was worst than anyone else's, but it was quite a lot.

Gina was feuding with Jess and somehow I knew that inadvertently, I had done something wrong to upset Jess. And it showed because she acted out on those feelings. I was wrong not to delete those messages. And yes, she had every right to be upset. But where did my loyalties go? Did it go to my big sis or to my pledge mom? So I left it as it was.

Carol was gone, Desiree was gone, my big sis was gone, and my pledge mom was totally not into being my mom at the time. On top of that, my family line was split in two. But still, I had Mel. The last standing tots. That summer we stressed together and we wanted to DA together. But in the end we decided to suck it up and wait the year out. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger, right?

So we waited it out. In around March and April I felt like Mel's gut instinct was the benefit the sorority. No matter how wrong she was, she wanted the best for the sorority. However, she's is rather narrow minded. Once she has her opinion on something, regardless of how blindly guided or ill conceived or unreasonable, that's it. She's done thinking about it. So around March and April my big sis's letter was due. As everyone probably knows, it never came. And Mel would talk about how she wouldn't give my big sis the vote to come back. Right in front of me. Saying it to me. And she didn't know jackshit about the situation. Never bothered to ask either.

So my big sis DAed. And from that moment on, I felt this extreme isolation in the sorority. And a lot of the time I still do. Even though so many people tried to console me, no one really understood. I didn't understand it myself for so long. Sometimes I still wonder. There's a lot of "what ifs" hanging around in the air. My world fell apart from there on.

All the actives have a big sis that they can turn to. Or at the very least, they have a pledge sister at their side. For the longest time, it was no longer "us against the world". It was just me. Mel was saying "it's okay" for a bit. She was no more "there for me" than any of the other actives (except for Allie and Jess).

When Gina tore me to pieces on June 9th, where was she?

And now here we are. While we're not estranged, we might as well be. She's becoming the exact person that I would never ever ever ever want my lil sis to be. She's so concerned with the social aspect of sorority life that she's forgotten what sisterhood is. Or perhaps, she's just forgotten what it's like to be a tot. I don't even know how to describe it. The only way I've been able to describe it is not the nicest way in the world.

She is essentially my pledge sister at her convenience. She's a Rho all the other days. And Mimi was right. She's into partying. I'm not. But it hurts to know that just because I can't go party with her that she'd leave me in the dust for someone else. And I still can't get over what she told me this summer. I cannot believe that she said that.

Yes, the flat tire story. I asked her to come and get me and she asked me to call someone else.

And that was when I realized the truth of the situation. She was a 10 - 15 minute walk from me and she brushed me off. I called other people who offered to come from as far as 1.5 hours away. How can I call her "sis" after that? Easy, I don't.

When I asked for Associate status I knew it was going to be a tough one to get. There were a couple votes that I knew I could count on. Allie, Aileen, and Anita. Where's Mel? Not on that list.

When I didn't get it, my heart hardened.

It's amazing how everything can turn around. I was always the nicest active in the world. I couldn't be strict if my life depended on it. But I feel this bitterness arising in me that is just consuming. And I want to do something totally not characteristic of me. Someone stop me before I do something stupid. I have never (really) wished something ill upon another person. I have never wanted someone to feel the pain that I feel.

But I want to make it hurt. And right now the only way to do it is through two pledges. As wrong as it is, I want it. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it.

The count now is a little different. Carol is gone, Desiree is gone, Gina is gone, Mel is no longer truly present in my life. But I have Laura, Allie, and Jess. And my newfound Mimi. Love them to death for all that they've helped me with. They have most definitely been my support through the toughest times.

So now here I am again. Sitting around feeling a need to run away to Hong Kong and never come back. Sit on a packed Subway by myself and get off at Tsim Sha Tsui and walk over to Kowloon Bay and just sit. Take some time off and relax. Then walk back and head for Mongkok to walk down the Goldfish Market. And finally get back on the subway and head for Causeway Bay. Have a seat by Times Square and have some Gelato.

I'm always surrounded by people that smother me. More like my parents and my grandparents. I just need to get away. Away from Los Angeles. Away from California. I need that freedom that I had back in Hong Kong. Not even at my aunt's house did I feel that kind of freedom. Take the subway wherever I needed to go. Take the bus and the trolley every now and then. Run down to Causeway Bay to go shopping and get dinner. Walk back to Happy Valley. Stop at XTC Gelato and get some hot chocolate gelato. It was hot as hell, but it was great. Just wanna go away. Just wanna get away.

If I could, I would take a year off from school and get the hell away from here. And I'd head back to HK in a heartbeat.

For now this concludes my epic post. Who knows when I'll have something else to say again?

我找不到

2007-11-06T14:09:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if I ever posted this up or made mention of it but I'm too lazy to go through my old posts to see if I did or not.

So I went out with Ray some time ago. I think it might have been roughly one month ago. We were just hanging out and going to random places, and he says that I've calmed down a lot. And I say "nuh uh". I say something about being tired and the Adderall and something of the sort. But the truth is, even without the Adderall, I don't seem to have a bounce in my step anymore.

So it brings me to my point, when did I lose that bounce in my step? Allie says that I'm normal now, which is fine. But I want to know when I lost that child in me.

No one seems to remember, and I can't remember either. Somehow, I don't think it was something that just came on its own. I think there was something out there that influenced this. It could be the Adderall. It could be that I just grew up. Or, it could be that situation back in May and June that broke me to pieces. Where did it go? Can I get it back? This sense of normality is kinda worrying to me. Before I used to be bubbling over with energy. Now I feel kinda dead. Tired all the time as well. So what gives?

If only I could remember when was the last time I bounced off a wall. My lil sis can't even remember if I was like that for her pledgeship. I'm not miserable without that hyperness, but I feel like I've lost something. Something that made me who I am.

Maybe that's what I should bring up to Dr. Muir later on today. I'm supposed to meet with him in about 40 minutes anyway. Did Ms. Trix-R-4-Kidz really turn into something else?

Seems like it.

I miss the child in me. The one thing that kept me sane through all these years. The one facade I could always count on.

偷著

2007-11-04T10:28:00.000-08:00

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much , and pray too seldom.

W e have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

飛就飛

2007-10-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

飛就飛

主唱：側田．吳雨霏

時間常逃走　從來撲塑迷離
誰若錯過　寶貴時機　像趕走了空氣

只有永不捨棄　才有夢想車飛

誰都知一秒價值　也不菲
遲多一分鐘　可否碰到你

若愛飛　就要飛
無謂花心機　去洞悉天機
若要等　下世紀　甚麼更悲
若愛飛　翻天地　才望可得到　快樂的專利
若愛飛　大霧四起　都要飛
都要飛　靠自己

曙光我也想追蹤
別理是否做夢
連自己雙手　亦懶去動
別說大紫大紅

曾經試過升空　活得要夠感動
曾一分鐘　帶著笑容　到星空
明日我共你　便有事蹟溝通

飛就飛　伴你飛
無謂花心機　去洞悉天機
若要等　下世紀　甚麼更悲

飛就飛　伴你飛
才望可得到　快樂的專利
若愛飛　大霧四起　都要飛
靠自己

冰河時期　艱難時期　大勇氣
聯想才神奇　難捨難離　了不起
到過雪地　便已算勝利　視野遠大無比

飛就飛　伴你飛
無謂花心機　去洞悉天機
若要等　下世紀　甚麼轉機　無道理
飛就飛　伴你飛
才望可得到　快樂的專利
若愛飛　大霧四起　都要飛
用兩手　也識飛

Just because I love this song. It's the Chinese version to High School Musical 2's "Everyday" . The title says "Just Fly".

完美主義

2007-10-22T23:40:00.000-07:00

So once upon a time long long ago I was part of a group on JCNET called "Wan Mei Zhu Yi" or WMZY. Also known as "Perfection".

Now, today I went to CAPS like I do just about every week, and I met with Dr. Muir as always. We, as always, got into our normal gist of things where he asks me how I've been doing and if there have been any changes. I tell him nothing's been very different but I've been having difficulty waking up in the morning and getting myself going. We didn't get too into that but we did get into a good talk about perfectionism and being a perfectionist.

We talked about the nature of the perfectionist and why sometimes I would feel socially awkward.

Perfectionism is usually viewed as someone who has to have things right, they have to be perfect. A lot of people have noticed that I like things to be perfect and if they're a little off, I would fix it. I hate it when my notes are not neat and I hate having to cross things out on my paper. Some people have made mention that I can be an extreme perfectionist, but I never put much thought into it. I just thought that I wanted things to be right.

So today Dr. Muir asks me about it and I tell him that I am. I have habits that would make me a perfectionist and a lot of the time it was "all or nothing". Kind of like an action potential. Then comes the socially awkward part. So then he asked me about what I was going through my mind as I tried to make conversation with someone I tell him I'm not sure. I tell him I was always kind of the quiet girl. I can talk to my sorority sisters and my friends, but that's it. I have a hard time keeping conversation with people outside my comfort zone. I tell him that I never raised my hand in class despite knowing the answer to whatever question or having questions.

And finally he asks me, "when you do raise your hand in class, what do you feel?" And I tell him that I feel like all eyes are on me, and they are critical eyes. And as I've learned today it's because perfectionists tend to feel like the world is criticizing them. It's like, if I fall below perfect nothing is right. I know that I'm harsh on myself, but at the same time I feel that if I'm not perfect, the world is criticizing me. And seemingly, the world gives off a negative vibe like they are judging my every move.

I'm in a race with the world. But even in the end, if I beat the world out...I'm still running a race with myself. That's what it's like in my head. Gosh I sound like I'm crazy but I swear I'm not.

哈哈哈!

2007-10-20T00:09:00.000-07:00

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon." -Chris Rock

I totally took this off my cousin's profile but it made me laugh.

討厭討厭討厭!!!

2007-10-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

My grand lil is going to DP and Sammi's lil is gonna cross. I see it already. I see myself taking two steps back. I can't help it.

I'm just bitter.

不公平

2007-10-16T22:12:00.000-07:00

So this goes hand in hand with my last post.

Perhaps it's just jealousy, but I feel like ever since Jess's line no longer went straight down, everyone's been kind of lavishing the other half of her line. Playing favorites with the other side.

While I am technically Jess's little sis now, I don't even feel like I'm part of her family line. I feel like...my relationship with her isn't even that of Pledge Mom and Kid. It's more like...me and Allie. We're just really closer than others, but there's no special relationship there. Well okay my relationship with Allie is special but I'm sure you know what I mean. I think that's why losing Gina was so hard on me. I knew it would never be the same. Marlene and Jess both lean towards Sammi and that side of the line. And from me down, we're left floating.

Now some people may think that I'm being silly. Of course my side of the family is loved. We get letters from great grand big/grand big and grand big/big sis...but letters aren't the world.

I love my family line...but the truth is that sometimes I wish I did jump. Because I know Laura would have been the big sis that I needed and wanted. After all this time I still feel this giant gap. Maybe it's the same gap that Laura felt with Xera. Will it ever close?

還有問題

2007-10-06T04:04:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I have this inkling something against Sammi. I really don't want to. Honestly, I don't.

The truth is that I actually think Sammi is great and she's great to be around. She's a sister and everything to me. The problem is just that, no matter how hard I try, I always feel this bit of bitterness towards her. But this is something that we have to go into the past to understand.

When Gina needed some time to fix herself, Jess made a mistake in not giving her the attention that she needed at the time. It crashed and went to hell from there. Then at pizza night, things blew out of proportion. Now, let's not get into too much detail here. I'm not here to explain how things happened between them.

At the time, I thoroughly blamed Jess for everything. It didn't help that there was so much drama going on and I hated how things were going. Things weren't great and then Jess picked up another lil sis. That was Sammi. I loved Sammi from Day 1, in fact I would have wanted her for a lil sis as well. I love my lil sis of course. However, just the fact that she was "Jess's other lil sis" gave me this little bitterness. I thought about being harsh on her, but I wanted to have her as a sister. I felt like she had everything that Gina should have had and my perfect family was being split in a different direction. It didn't help that she had the attention of my pledge mom and my great grand big. It was like, my balance was thrown off by this addition of another line. I hated it. And I wanted so badly for her to drop.

I always thought I had gotten over it. Turns out I had just gotten used to it. Because when Sammi got the lil sis that I wanted for a grand lil, I felt that bitterness rise up again.

I have long gotten past the Jess and Gina thing. In fact, I've had a paradigm shift. I don't see it the way I did last year. I don't blame Jess for it. I just wish I could fix things.

And I wish I could get over this bitterness. I'm a horrible person, but I don't want to be.

沒有想過

2007-10-03T12:12:00.000-07:00

我真的沒有想過她們會那麼自私...有時候我想偷偷跑掉。　可是我怎麼做呢﹖

好乖

2007-09-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

Even though it only takes about 5 - 10 minutes for me to give a nice summary of my day I still don't post. Hahaha...I think it's because I forget. You know, once upon a time I used to update my Xanga on a daily basis. What happened? This thing called MySpace came around and everyone forgot about Xanga. So I stopped posting because no one was reading. I'm such a drama queen. :P

Anyway, I'm on a mission. I'm going to study at least every other day this quarter. It's like...not gonna happen but I can at least try. It's just difficult because I have a hard time staying up past 11PM and I get home from work at 10:30PM and I get out of lab at 9:00PM...so I'm never really home to study. On the other hand...I have cut back my hours at work so that I only work weekends. Soon to be only Saturdays at my beloved Atlantic-Garvey banking center. <3 So...now that I have at least posted SOMETHING, I am getting back to my Microbiology text book. Wish me luck!

今天我（不想）回家

2007-09-18T07:03:00.000-07:00

Sooo...pardon for the lack of post but I've just gotten back from vacation and I am quite jetlagged still. I must say that I left my heart in Hong Kong. I love it there. I love the lifestyle and I love the city life and everything! And there are barely any squatting toilets so I don't have to worry about that anymore. LOL. For those of you who don't know what I mean by a "squatting toilet" let me give you a visual.

So, the image that is to the right is what I call a "squatting toilet". Some of you may call it other things and that's fine, but that is my "squatting toilet". Let me say, that we are spoiled here in the United States with our sitting toilets. Never in my life have I felt so blessed to be able to sit on a toilet in peace. Even a public toilet. Because let me say, that these things can get quite disgusting. Some of them do not have flushers. You have to manually pour the water in yourself and if you don't get it at the right angle, you don't get the "whirlpool effect" that you need to effectively flush down all of dinner or perhaps those two bottles of water you drank.

This next image that I am going to show you, is exactly how they would do it in Thailand. Ahem.
This is what I encountered when I was taken to a small village in Malaysia. I was not pleased as you might guess.

I guess I was rather lucky though, considering the majority of my relatives have a nice sitting toilet because they're all "upscale" like that. When I went to public restrooms, I always had to use the handicap stall...aka the stall with a sitting toilet.

So those of you who enjoy sitting on the toilet for extended periods of time, find someone to thank for your sitting toilet.

Here's a hilarious article that I found while googling for these pictures:

There’s no getting around it in some countries; you’ll have to figure out how to use a squat toilet and so will the kids.

Warning: relatively high gross-out factor in post below.

When we lived in Japan, our house had a squat toilet but you could buy a plastic converter thing that fitted over the toilet on the floor and allowed you to sit down above it.

Your business does not go into a water pool as it does in a European toilet. It just sits there, waiting for the toilet flushing action to wash it away. One of my more vivid Japan memories is a really cold morning when I thought I was dying of a disease; my morning offering was literally steaming.

Out in town or on the highway, we looked for the bathroom stall for the disabled, which generally had a European-type toilet. I don’t see how anyone with bad knees or other malfunctioning lower extremities can get in the ol’ squat position to start with, much less maintain it for, ahem, bigger business.

And what do you do with pantyhose? Or skirts? And do your jeans have to come all the way off? (Pretty much, I’ve found.)

And you sure can’t read a magazine on a squat toilet — or maybe my technique is lacking.

Remember when Mom said to always carry some Kleenex to use as toilet paper?

Friends, it is time to listen to Mom. If there’s no t.p. in the stall of a squat toilet, there’s trouble in River City.

In many parts of the world, there is never toilet paper. You use water, poured down your bottom. God bless Frank Bures, a fearless writer at World Hum, who provides us detailed insight into this process:

World Hum travel advice guru and Vagabonding author Rolf Potts has also seen a few squatters in his day. “In places like India, and many parts of Asia,” he told me, “a bathroom won’t have toilet paper. It will have a little cup of water. Basically, after you’ve done your business, you take your left hand and wash the exit hole of fecal matter, then wash your hand. That’s why nobody shakes hands with their left hand in most of Asia and the Middle East, because that’s your a**-wiping hand.”

Ah, another one of life’s little mysteries explained.

So, for those who may be contemplating a trip with the family to the domain of squat toilets, march off to the airport secure in your knowledge of operating procedures, and well-armed with something to use as toilet paper.

Kids may as well learn that not everyone around the world does things the same way, but do prepare them before you go. "

For those of you who have been to places like Thailand, Mainland China, Vietnam, Cambodia, etc...you know how true this stuff is. :) Always carry toilet paper, children.

Okay now aside from the toilet stuff let's get down to the more pleasant things. SHOPPING! Oh shopping galore let me see if I can pull some pictures up.

This, my dear friends, is Causeway Bay (銅鑼灣). I spent a great deal of time here as well as in Mongkok (旺角). Causeway Bay is shopping galore. All those fancy shmancy brand names can be find here. Gucci, Fendi, Coach, Burberry, Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Dior...all of it. All in one place. This is where Hong Kong's Time Square is. Time Square itself is just a pretty building with lots of shops. Lots of expensive shops so I didn't do too much shopping there but I did enjoy having many lunches, dinners, and late night walks here. There this one street, I believe it was on Lee Gardens street or something of the sort near Bossini where they had "outlet" clothing of brands like American Eagle, Abercrombie, Hollister, and the like. Now, I found some genuine American Eagle and Hollister...but the Abercrombie...? Looked kinda iffy to me. Either way it was cheap so I bought a shirt for my cousin. Speaking of which, he needs to come get. :P Anyhooo...at 旺角, I went to the Women's Market (女人街) quite often. Now the Women's market has plenty of men, it's just called that. There is a Men's Market too. But uhh...yeah. I don't want to go there.
This is what the Women's Market is like. It's like a street bazaar that goes on all day. You can find fake anything here. Fake Tiffany's, Gucci, Fendi, Burberry, Coach, Dior, Chanel, Hello Kitty, Kuma, Winnie the Pooh, Sunshine Friends, etc...

At the same time though, you can find some pretty nice stuff here that's not brand name for pretty cheap. I got a nice purse for 20 bucks. I was happy. :D I got some fake Sunshine Buddies for 5 bucks too. And...yeah. You can get seriously ripped off here though. Generally, unless there's something I really really really really really really really really really really really really like, I try to stick to places where the price is already labeled on the package. You can still bargain, but at least you know the standard price isn't going to change just because you're a tourist. I got a wallet for 6 bucks too. :D

There's also another place near the Women's Market that I loved to death. THE GOLDFISH MARKET! Let me tell you, I had the greatest time ever at this place just looking at all the cute little fishies. They had so many cute little Ranchus and I wish I could've taken one home! <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://bp3.blogger.com/_fJJIMxRsAKU/Ru_i_6jH_2I/AAAAAAAAABY/X2iABurxeV0/s1600-h/IMG_1064.JPG">
This picture is from one of the stores I happened to walk by. The had these gigantic Orandas and Ryukins and Ranchus. Holy crap this one Ranchu I saw was like the size of my head!!! I wanted to buy it and take it home! And they are sooooo cheap! It's like 2 - 3 dollars for a nice big fish. Koi Fish were kinda expensive though. Some of them were cheap but not too impressive. Look at all the fishies!

Another strange thing that I saw was the way some stores were selling fish. It kinda bothered me actually.

This is the way that some of the stores sold fish. they were pre-bagged like this. The thing is that if you know anything about fish, you know that these things lose air and FAST. Yes it's nice that there's a plant to help give it oxygen, but it's not going to help if you can't sell the fish at the end of the day and leave them there overnight! They even put giant fish, like flowerhorns, in there!

I'd be kinda scared to buy my fish from a bag like this. Cheap as it may be though as you can see by the price markings.

But as I am getting tired because I am jetlagged, this will have to end for now. I leave you with one parting picture though!

I love my 意粉！

真相大白

2007-08-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

So today on my way home from meeting I was utterly sad. It was brought on rather randomly actually.

I have this fear of failure that stops me from doing anything that may involve a "risk". Outside of being a science major (which isn't going so well), the biggest risk I've ever taken was to rush for a sorority and run for Pledge Mom. The second which is the cause of my drama tonight.

I ran for pledge mom in the Spring and didn't get the position. For some reason or another, the pledge mom stepped down from her position and a window of opportunity is once again presented to me. Every time I get the nerve to read my speech, something stands in my way. Now, I'm finally ready and another obstacle stands before me. They open elections up to associates and alumni. I suppose it's reasonable, but one this is for sure. Vivian has never been incredible strong willed and Vivian has never been known to step up to a challenge. So I'm left here with this incredibly trying situation that has me stressing yet again.

So back to being a science major. I have never been once to stay down when I fall. I get up and try again for the most part. Failures are a part of life and I accept that. But when is it time to give up? Everytime I fail and I fall, I lose a bit more hope. And I'm really starting to give up. I've pretty much lost all faith in myself these last two quarters and it has been an extremely trying two quarters. What if what I dream isn't what I was meant to be? Is there a meant to be? There's only one person out there who reads this, so I'm asking you. Is there? Is there hope for me? You know me as well as I do and tell me the truth now, is there any chance at saving me?

My biggest fear was never something quite tangible. My biggest fear is disappointing others. People have put their faith in me and told me that I could do it. And it would tear me to bits to see them let down. And all I'm doing is telling lies and disappointing myself.

So tell me what to do. Tell me how to save myself. To stop disappointing myself and the world around me. To finally step up to the plate. To stop falling behind.

I've scraped my knees and cried and got up and played again. But I feel like this time I've shattered my legs and I'll never walk again.

Just because...

2007-08-14T00:07:00.000-07:00

Just because my cousin told me to post, I'm posting. We have this odd little system that we've not really worked out.

So for those of you who don't know, which is most of you, I'm going to Malaysia and Hong Kong in about...two and a half weeks. LOL. Surprise! :D I'm super excited. Retail therapy here I come! It's been so long since I've been to Asia and I plan on making the best of it. I'm going by myself so there aren't any parents to regulate me. :P How fun can this be! Of course since there are no parents, the funding for my shopping is also quite limited...

I'm thinking about what I really want from HK and Malaysia. I'm thinking of a new phone. A hot and handy Samsung U700 sounds good to me. Unless there's something else that tickles my fancy around that time. We will just have to see.

I've had my eye on this phone for a couple of months but I'm sure I'll find something else as soon as I get there. That always seems to be the case with me and electronics. I'm such a geek. It can't be helped. I grew up with boys. While I had Barbie Dolls, I spent much of my childhood playing with Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles. Forget ballet and skating, it was swimming and basketball. More on the swimming of course. There were too many mishaps with my clumsy ass in basketball.

Well, back to my trip planning. I plan on buying all my lovely gadgets for phones and such in Malaysia and Hong Kong. I have a feeling I may come home with more than I left with. With the exception of cash...

I want awesome bluetooth gadgets and maybe a new PDA/Planner and I want some totally fobby stuff for my car.

I would love to continue my babbling but it's 12:17AM and I have an appointment with CAPS at 10:00AM. So...TTFN!

Oh, but before I forget. I feel like I'm going to be turning in my two weeks notice to CVS by the end of this week. I hate the Wicked Witch and all of her evil spies.

流星花园

2007-08-13T00:37:00.000-07:00

It seems that everyone is out watching the meteor shower except for me. I just woke up not too long ago from my "nap" so I can't really sleep. But that's fine. I seem to be sleeping later and later these days. This last week I've been sleeping at about 2AM which is rather odd for me. I'm usually in dream land by midnight. Yes. MIDNIGHT. Some of us like to sleep.

So how was your weekend? My weekend was a fun filled weekend of work work work and work. But then again I don't do much at my work. I kinda stand there and stare off into space most of the time. We did a grand total of 33 scripts today. Amazing. This is a trend. On a typical work day, for me, we do about 75 - 100 scripts if we're lucky. Most stores do 300+, usually towards 350+. Nope, not us. I seem to be blessed like that. I never really work at the "busy" stores. With the exception of when I was a lifeguard I guess. That time I worked at the busier of the two pools and my gawd could that place get packed. Mmm...I'm tired again. Over and out!

还没好

2007-08-10T23:05:00.000-07:00

I've been drama lately as usual. When is my life not drama? LOL. The Jay Chou concert is ages away. Like...four and a half months away and I'm trying to get everything planned and what not now. I'm getting the tickets done so we can all sit together and I'm rearranging seats here and there and geebuz I've been at that ticketing office so many times it's ridiculous. But it's all in good fun and I know that I will thorougly enjoy this concert just like I did last time. Jay has always held a special place in my heart. <3 So corny. This concert is going to be great. Watch! :D

On a much fobbier note, I'm totally in love with this song:

不能說的秘密(電影[不能說的祕密]主題曲)
作詞：方文山作曲：周杰倫

冷咖啡離開了杯墊
我忍住的情緒在很後面

拼命想挽回的從前
在我臉上依舊清晰可見

最美的不是下雨天
是曾與妳躲過雨的屋簷
回憶的畫面在盪著鞦韆夢開始不甜

妳說把愛漸漸放下會走更遠
又何必去改變已錯過的時間

妳用妳的指尖阻止我說再見
想像妳在身邊在完全失去之前

妳說把愛漸漸放下會走更遠
或許命運的籤只讓我們遇見

只讓我們相戀這一季的秋天
飄落後才發現這幸福的碎片
要我怎麼撿

冷咖啡離開了杯墊
我忍住的情緒在很後面

拼命想挽回的從前
在我臉上依舊清晰可見

最美的不是下雨天
是曾與妳躲過雨的屋簷

回憶的畫面在盪著鞦韆夢開始不甜
妳說把愛漸漸放下會走更遠

又何必去改變已錯過的時間
妳用妳的指尖阻止我說再見
想像妳在身邊在完全失去之前

妳說把愛漸漸放下會走更遠
或許命運的籤只讓我們遇見

只讓我們相戀這一季的秋天
飄落後才發現這幸福的碎片
要我怎麼撿

If you don't have it you need to have it. That's all there is to it. Now I must go IM a certain cousin to make him update his blog or he may forget. TTFN!

不能说的秘密

2007-08-10T00:50:00.000-07:00

Wow. This is my first real attempt to blog again after so long. So, in a joint effort with my dearest cousin, here I am.

So lately I've been super hectic. I got my diagonosis back from CAPs at school and it is positive for ADHD Inattentive-Impulsive Type. Who woulda thought huh? Well, I suppose some people kinda always knew, like my aunt. But seriously, who would have really thought? I guess I'm doing a little better now that I have medication for it.

By the way, I totally hate my job. I do a lot of bitch work mixed in with other work and I really don't mind save for the fact that the store manager is a bitch. Seriously, I hate her ass SO much. She's not even in charge of me and she's not even my boss! What gives?! Is her front store not busy enough for her that she always has to come into pharmacy and bother us? She comes in every effing morning to complain about us.

"Oh so and so was in the corner hiding."

"So and so was reading a magazine on the side."

"So and so was eating in the corner."

What. The. Flip. This lady has nothing better to do. I'm not even exaggerating. I'm always looking at the camera like "can she see us from here?" Screw her. I'll eat in the back all I want. I'll do whatever the hell I want unless my manager comes in and tells me otherwise. She needs to just get out. Get a life. Stop staring at your damn cameras.

On a lighter note:

不能说的秘密 <--some people know what I'm talkin about. :)